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The sixth installment of Febrehab has come and gone. And while this was one of the easiest transitions yet, it was probably one of the most successful. The side challenge this year was to visit at least one uniquely Dallas/cultural establishment each weekend. And we chose the Dallas Museum of Art, The Dallas Aquarium, The Nasher Sculpture Museum, and The Sixth Floor Museum.

DMA was good. I think I addressed that in an earlier blog. The aquarium was fun because my sister was in town and she came down on the train with my parents and we all met up. It was neat, but I think I'm really glad I had little kids with me, otherwise I would have blown through that joint in 20 minutes. But they made it more interesting. It's a little confusing the ratio of underwater to terrestrial exhibits they have. So many birds and monkeys and snakes and bunny rabbits? What the hell kind of aquarium has bunny rabbits? But whatever.

The Nasher Museum was pretty cool. Lots of neato statues. But for 10 bucks, it really only took us about 30 minutes to go through that so I'm not sure if it alone was worth it. If you're gonna go I would suggest having lunch out on the patio and maybe a glass of wine and lingering for a while to make your dollar go a little further. Now for us, the thing that made it worth the money was running into Miranda Hobbes while we were there. She was just walking around with her mannish lesbian lover and a couple of friends looking at the artwork. Nobody was bothering her, so far be it from us to be the only two stargazers. After our initial giggling and hitting each other, we basically left her alone. But then lo and behold about 10 minutes later we were in this huge empty installation minding our own business and she walked in all by herself. So it was me, Daniel, and Miranda standing there looking at these sculptures on the wall. So finally I turned to her and said, "YOU are Cynthia Nixon." And she smiled and said, "I am." And I said, "We're really big fans." And she said, "Thanks." And then I nonchalantly turned back to Daniel and pretended to continue a conversation we'd been having about the sculptures. It was too fun.

I can't believe I've never been to the Sixth Floor Museum -- which is the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository that Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly shot Kennedy from. As much as I love History Channel shows about it, I've just never gotten off my fat butt to walk over there. It was pretty cool. I have to say, they always describe it as such an impossible shot from an impossible distance, but when I was sitting up there, looking out the window at the road directly below, it did not seem far to me at all. So that pretty much sealed the deal for me and I'm now convinced it was Oswald.

And that was February. Totally fun. This weekend we went to the Convention Center for the Dallas Auto Show and to try out for Wheel of Fortune. It's a life long goal of mine to be on the show, but it turns out, I'm not the only one with that dream. There were thousands of people trying out. It felt a lot like American Idol. There was a raffle system to see who even got to go up on stage to play a fake game. And they called about 40 people during the hour long slot that we got into, and I wasn't one of them. So boo. But I tried and it was totally fun sitting there thinking your name might be called next. So I counted that as a victory. Then I got to see a Chevy Volt and sit in a Smart car, and see Allison who was working the Mini booth. So also a pretty good day. I wouldn't be disappointed if this do-something-every-weekend continued all year round. Huzzah.

Any suggestions for next weekend?

I don't know if you've noticed the conspicuous omission of any posts about Febrehab this year. It's not that I'm not doing -- I am. It's just that it's really not much of a challenge this year. I really don't drink a whole lot these days. And, I wasn't going to mention this publicly, just in case, but now I think it's pretty official: I quit smoking 6 months ago.

Right when we got back from Owen's wedding when I wasn't feeling well, I didn't smoke and then I just kind of figured I would keep it going just for the hell of it. So now that's that. I don't foresee myself ever going back to it. I don't even miss it.

But that does kind of take the fun out of rehab if you're not addicted to anything. But this year I am trying to focus on sleeping more, so I've moved my bedtime up to 10:30pm. I do not stay up past that for any reason. And the other side challenge is to do something cultural in Dallas each weekend in February. So yesterday JennyC■■■ came into town and we went with her to the Dallas Museum of Art. Got some general admission passes and walked around and looked at art. She'd been there 100 times, Daniel had been a few times, but I've never been. It was a really fun way to spend the afternoon. Then we came back and chit chatted for a while and then Jenny had to leave.

So far so good, just not a lot to report so I've kind of forgotten to keep the blog up to date, but you're probably getting used to that these days, no?

By g*d, I think I've done it. I am about to head to the gym to run a measly 3 miles leaving me a cake walk to victory tomorrow. I don't want to sound too confident because my knees could still blow out at the last minute, but I think its safe to say this is a victory. I'm pretty excited ... about never running again.

I'm also excited about drinking some of my home brew on Saturday. I put all 50 bottles in the fridge last night so they'd be nice and cold by the time we were ready to drink them. Serious party time.

So my home office is coming along nicely. I ordered my second monitor when it went on sale last week. I originally had planned on having 3 22 inch monitors, but I think for now 2 will be enough. It's not just enough desktop space, its damn near too much. I can barely mouse over from one side to the other without picking up the mouse halfway in between to get more traction. Not to mention the physical size of the monitors. I don't know if there's any way that 3 could even fit on the desk that I have. It is an impressive sight though. So impressive I think I'll post a picture for you. Catch you skillets on the flip side ... deeerunk. Peace.

A really strong weekend has put me over the halfway mark just as we round out the second week of Febrehabruarv. I actually felt really strong today so I went nearly 5 miles. I'm starting to think I could actually pull this off. A few more days like the past three and I'll damn near be there. I haven't decided yet if I'll just quit as soon as I reach 100 or if I'll keep going every day to see how far I can go. One thing is for sure, I'm going to take a well deserved break from running in March. But my hope is that, like the Veganism of Febrehabruariii, this will remain a moderate part of my life going forward.

The thing that strikes me as kind of odd about this year is how much harder its been to give up the cigarettes than usual. And I hardly ever smoke. But I think maybe that's why my body isn't quite convinced yet that it's not getting any nicotine. I have been known to go a week without smoking in a regular month, so I think reducing my habit has actually made kicking it completely harder. Maybe its because I only smoke when I really want to, so it's always really good. Who knows.

I had this dream the other night that I was in a restaurant and went to use the bathroom. And you know how sometimes now there are TV screens above the urinal? And you know how you go to Dave & Busters and they have like 8 race car games lined up and you can race other people? Okay, now put those two ideas together. Only the controls for the racing game were on the urinal and wherever you peed was which way you steered. And I was racing against the other people at the other urinals. I think this could be a multi-million dollar idea. Don't steal it.

Not a whole lot else to report. Had a grood Valentine's Day. Our dear friend, Ryan H■■■■, should be getting back from his Mexican wedding soon. I should call him tomorrow and see how everything went. I wish I could have gone. Oh well. See you all in a few more miles!

I'm not sure I fully appreciated just how much 4 miles is when you're tasked with doing it every day. To run for an hour after a full day of work just isn't going to be possible every damn day. I had factored in 3 days off, but now I know I can't afford to take them. So what I've done a couple days is just running 2.5 miles or so and calling it quits. But I know that every time I do that, I'm just adding to what I'm going to have to do at the end of the month. And I do not want to be running a marathon the last day and killing myself.

It doesn't help that I was just scheduled to go to Alabama for work for a day next week. But that one day of work will cost me two days of running. I can only hope that the hotel they put me up in has an workout room. If it doesn't, then I'll be forced to take two days off and totally screw my average. So I've already factored those into the spreadsheet tracking my progress and telling me how far to go each day.

My legs are so exhausted and sore. They can't seem to catch a break. And strangely, my back and shoulders get sore from it too. I never thought that would happen. But it's not all bad news. I have been sleeping like an absolute fucking rock ever since this started. I get my regular 8 hours on the dot, but I'm unable to wake up when the alarm goes off because I was in such a deep slumber. And I haven't lost a pound yet because this running thing is such an appetite stimulator. I get really hungry even when I'm not running, which I'm hoping is a sign that my metabolism is getting a kick in the ass from this. Ultimately, I hope it to be a much more permanent form of weight loss as opposed to say, oh I don't know, drinking nothing but lemonade for days at a time. But right now the finish line seems awfully far away, and all I can do is run a few more miles today.

Do any of you use Pandora? Just go to www.pandora.com, tell it an artist you like and it'll play songs by them. Then it'll get clever and play something similar to that. And you just say yes I like it, or no I don't like that, and the more you listen to it, the more it gets to know your musical tastes. Only, they've employed some new algorithm that actually works. People have tried this in the past and always failed miserably, but Pandora is pretty damn impressive. Right now I have two radio stations that I created. One called "Chill Radio" and one called "Slightly More Upbeat Radio." And they both rock, and continue getting better. Go check it out.

What a wonderful Febrehabruarv it's been so far. Without any dietary restrictions, the transition has been pretty seamless. I could most definitely go for a beer after the week I've had, but that temptation will be easy to avoid. The only hard part is that I have a bathtub full of beer bottles containing the most delicious brew you've ever tasted.

Saturday night Daniel and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary that just so happens to coincide with the onset of Febrehab. So we always do it up right. We had an outrageous meal of tenderloin, Chilean sea bass, ahi tuna, and lobster, accentuated with many "very, very, very dirty Grey Goose martinis with just a *splash* of vermouth and 3 blue cheese stuffed olives" (write that down). We got home feeling rather toasty and decided to pop open a few of the homebrew beers that I bottled a week prior. They weren't technically aged to fruition just yet but we figured what the hell. AND IT WAS SO GOOD. I'm not just saying that because I brewed it. It might be the best beer I've ever had. I can't wait to try it when its fully aged and chilled and everything. We were drinking it straight from the bathtub. So March 1st everyone come on by and I'll let you have one. I fully intend to brew again.

Then the physical challenge began. I am quite pleased to announce that I have gone running every day so far. This whole 4 miles a day bullshit is nearly impossible. I ran myself sick the second day and had to back off a little the third but now I'm back on pace. I have gone a total of 18.94 miles since Sunday and have no intention of slowing down. I have my progress charted in Excel and I know what I need to average every day for the rest of the month to meet my 100 mile goal and it is daunting. There's no way I'm taking a day off and raising that average.

Every muscle in my body hates me and my knees -- I think -- are about to fall off. But I'm still going strong. Anybody out there participating?

I have a new theory.

All women will one day start a jewelry business. All women.

This occurred to Daniel and me while we were getting ready to watch the latest installment of the Really Desperate Housewives of Orange County. The info described Lynne – who is that? – starting her own jewelry business. This is after Laurie fucked around until she found a man with enough money to fund her jewelry business. And one of the housewives in Atlanta used the money from her husband’s NFL career to start her jewelry business. Not unlike the woman who was at On the Border (or OTB as the cool kids call it) the other night we were eating there when BJs was backed up, hocking her shitty jewelry she had undoubtedly “designed” as part of her startup company.

This is the thing that bothers me. You don’t design jewelry. Stringing beads in different patterns on fishing line is not designing. Massive pieces of turquoise surrounded by coiled wire … how beautiful. And let me guess: it’s all custom-made.

It’s all shit. Sorry, ladies.

Now that some of you know your predisposition towards starting jewelry companies, maybe you can hope to avoid the inevitable. But it’s highly unlikely. Speaking of highly unlikely, I’ve decided what the Febrehabruarv challenge will be. Sometimes I supplement the test of my less-than-iron will with caffeine depravation, or protein depravation … or like the failed Master Cleanse of Febrehabruariv … with food depravation. But this time, it’s a dare. A double dare. A physical challenge!

I will run 100 miles in 28 days.

So let me clarify. We all know my arthritic ass (or knees, as it were) cannot run 1 mile let alone 100. So it is going to be on an elliptical machine. And it averages out to about 4 miles a day, which I’ve timed as taking about an hour. If I go every day and run for an hour on the elliptical machine, I will eventually earn myself a few days off. And therein, I think, lies the key to success. I really think I can do this. And now that it’s on SideshoViD.com it is official. Rawk!

Yesterday morning I awoke with a strange desire to brew my own beer. It's been in the back of my head for a year ever since I brewed some apple cider for Thanksgiving '08, but I can't really say what brought it to the forefront. Never being the one to back down from another potentially disastrous project, I set out to the Homebrew Headquarters in Richardson. They have everything you need there as well as several employees who are MORE than willing to help you out with any questions you may have. Go check them out some time.

So I brought home an Australian Pale Ale. Trey has made it twice and his beer has been fantastic, so I figured why mess with a good thing. And I got some dextrose corn sugar because its more easily fermentable than table sugar. And then I got a bag of light malt extract. That's new, Trey never used that, so hopefully my beer will be way better than his. The can of Australian Pale Ale was actually a thick, molasses like syrup that contained all the hops and barley and some sugars. Adding more sugar = more alcohol, so I didn't mind supplementing.

Mix and boil. That's about the only step after sanitizing everything. And sanitizing requires little more than a bleach water soaking for everything involved. My coworker who is a master brewer once told me, sanitation is important, don't skimp on that step ... but also, bear in mind that people used to brew beer in animal skins over open fires with river water, so don't sweat it too much. Who knows how good their beer (or mead) tasted, but they still succeeded in getting drunk. And isn't that just the whole point?

So I made Daniel stand and stir while I was finishing rinsing the bleach off of everything. My little bitty pot started to boil over -- which we were prepared for -- so as it boiled, we scooped it into another bowl and were planning on boiling the wort in two stages. Pretty stupid, but feasible. So I'm in the bathroom rinsing when I hear, "OH NO!" Daniel was stirring with a plastic spatula and when he pulled it out, it no longer existed. The fucking thing had melted down to a stub. As Keiff later pointed out, the only portion remaining was the part stamped with "Caution: Not Heat Resistant." So there we were with a bowl full of cold wort and a pot full of hot wort and a heaping helping of melted plastic. Down the sink it went as I rushed to my car to speed to Homebrew Headquarters before they closed. And I bought another batch of ingredients ... and a 20 quart stock pot.

The second time, Keiff came over to help and it went rather smoothly. We boiled the wort for 15 minutes until it got this really nice, dark caramel color. Then we cooled it down as best we could in a sink of ice, added 4 more gallons of spring water and poured it into the fermenting bucket. I measured the temperature to be right at 80°F which is pretty ideal for the yeast, so I pitched them in. I was worried about them because they weren't bubbling by the time we went to bed, but this morning, they're burping away. I'm so excited. Keiff wants to make a batch now and I told him we could use my equipment and take turns buying ingredients. In a few weeks, we'll bottle, which is also pretty easy with the equipment I'll be borrowing.

And then it'll be Febrehabruarv. Double-edged sword there. Sure, I won't be able to drink the beer I just worked so hard to produce. But, the beer will also continue to improve with age. You have to wait about a week after bottling so the secondary fermentation in the bottle can carbonate the liquid. But they say if you wait up to a month it'll be worlds better. So that's just what we'll do. Beer tasting party at my house, March 1st. Who's in?

I do hope that 2009 has found you well. I've certainly had a helluva start. My two week long vacation is ending tomorrow and I just don't know how I am going to cope with it. I've had a good couple of weeks though.

First, my entire family came into town. I currently have 5 nieces and 2 nephews, and was just informed that there's another on the way! It was really fun to play with all of them and give them crappy gifts that they loved. Although, I will admit that the Hannah Montana electric guitar I got for my niece Kelsey was pretty rocking, even though it's already broken. So we did the whole xristmas thing and I spent more than a few nights driving between Addison and Allen to my parents new ridiculously large house. I got wine from my brother in the gift exchange and now the wine fridge is respectably stocked. And I got the new Nikon Coolpix camera from my parents. I highly recommend this little gadget. It is so freaking advanced. I guess when you only buy one camera every decade, they're bound to improve slightly.

The other reason everyone came was for my parents surprise 35th wedding anniversary. We'd been planning it for like a year (I helped a little) and had some extended family and a lot of old family friends hiding in the banquet room at Sneaky Pete's in Lewisville. Then when my parents came in with my sister for what they thought was an oddly dressy, far drive to Lake Lewisville just for dinner, everyone yelled HAPPY ANNIVERSARY and the merriment proceeded. DJ iMernex even DJed the party which was pretty fun. There was "free" beer and wine so I think everyone managed to have a good time and I know my parents really appreciated it. And I got the buffet leftovers so Daniel and I ate chicken and roast beef for a week.

Then we did xristmas with Daniel's family over at our apartment. His mom made filet mignon wrapped in puff pastry with some sort of filling. It was really good. We were in charge of vegetables so we served leftover green beens and potato wedges from the anniversary party. Waste not. Then we did a little gift exchange. His dad gave me a really cool shirt and a fedora that I adore. I think his sister helped pick it out, but it's pretty bangin. And I gave his brother guitar picks, guitar strings, and a guitar strap. And he was perfectly gracious even though I thought he might be like, "I don't have a guitar, you dick." But then I surprised him with the guitar I had wrapped up in the other room. It wasn't easy getting all that on the budget that was set but I managed to do it. g*d, I love pawn shops now.

Then there was New Year's Eve. We had a bunch of people over. There was a lot of food, dancing, tons of booze. We really had a good time. Gotta tell you though, it's that time of the year when Febrehabruarv starts sounding really good to me. I was thinking that maybe I wanted to do that master cleanse again, but then I read my blog from last year and decided against it. All the descriptions of sleepless nights, heart palpitations, and incessant heartburn jogged some memories I'd obviously repressed. Maybe in another year. I think I'll hearken back to the febrehabs of yesteryear when it was easy and fun, good clean living.

I think that brings us up to speed. Happy 2009, bitches. See you around..

Another Febrehab for the annals. Although, it's basically still going on. I had one glass of wine with dinner the other night, but other than that I haven't had anything to drink. And I still haven't smoked any. I think I'm going to do something this Friday to get back into the swing of things. Perhaps Hooters?

I don't want to get too drunk, though because Saturday afternoon, I'm going to look at and possibly buy a Vespa. It is time for me to start riding a scooter that gets 100mpg to work and back. I can't see any flaws with this plan. If they have the exact one I want, I'm going to snag it. But if there are some hangups like needing a license or a parking pass or things like that, then I might just figure out which one I want and then go back the next weekend and get it.

Are you watching American Idol this season? This is the first time that I've watched every episode and I'm totally hooked. But ... if they don't get rid of Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul, I won't be watching it next season. There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for those two to be there. They both say the exact same thing about every singer every round. Randy Jackson says, "Aight, dawg, so hey, check it out. I thought that was good. It started out a little rough, a few pitch problems here and there, but you pulled it out at the end. It was good. Yeah." Then Paula chimes in and says, "Yes, yes, yes, I loved it, I love you, I want ... who ... let's give a hand ... all the ... do a ... job and ... I loved it." Then Simon tells the truth, or an honest assessment of the performance with a few constructive criticisms and the entire audience boos. I hate that so much.

They could definitely pare it down to just Simon and vastly improve on the format of the show. But until then, I guess I'll just shut up and keep watching. At least as long as Danny Noriega and David Archuleta are still in.

Last Thursday Aaron Carter -- son of the famed N'Sync member, Nell Carter -- was arrested in Junction, Texas for possession of marijuana. When reached for comment, Carter said only, "Oh, dag! I'm in trouble!"

I find two things about this story interesting. First, it's a good way to dispel the rumors going around that Texas had decriminalized possession of small amounts of marijuana. When in fact, if you had, say not enough weed to roll one joint AND a medical marijuana card in your possession. You're looking at jail time. Now, let me just make it clear that I do not do marijuana cigarettes, nor do I have any desire to, but I think that these laws are so ridiculous. Texas just needs to wake up and realize that smoking weed is no longer a purely Mexican habit like it was in the 1800's so the racism behind the law has kind of fizzled out, and therefore is no longer any fun.

The second thing I found interesting that nobody cared to mention or explain is... what the hell was Aaron Carter doing speeding around Junction in his Cadallac Escalade? If you were to locate "Nowhere" on the map, Junction would be smack dab in the middle of it. And he was alone, so it's not like some tour bus convoy got stopped. So bizarre. He was probably buying weed.

In closing, I'd like to thank Allison and Keiff for emailing me this news story before anyone else had seen it. What does that say about me that they knew it would be big news to me? I guess the same thing it says about them. I'm going to make my stance clear though. FREE AARON CARTER! Why? Why shouldn't he be subject to the same laws that govern our society? 5 Words: Aaron's. Party. (Come. Get. It.)

You're welcome.

First off, I am still alive. I didn't starve myself to death. Secondly, the Master Cleanse is over. I couldn't do it any more. Things just kept getting worse. The hunger I could deal with, no problem. But I was also cold all day every day. And sweating. And my stomach hurt like I was throwing up all the time. And then on the sixth day, severe heartburn showed up. I've only ever had heartburn while sleeping or laying down, but this was just all day while I was working. That's when my resolve finally crumbled. I came home and had a glass of mango juice.

Valentine's Day we went to see Jumper and I had 6 pieces of popcorn. And then a Clif bar and a protein shake later that night. And my stomach went crazy. It's been really difficult transitioning back into food. I can eat like a fourth of what I normally would before I'm uncomfortably full. So that's good. And I'm down to 155 lbs for the first time in years and years, so that's also good. But other than that, I got zero benefit from cleansing my body of imaginary toxins. Perhaps my attitude kept me from feeling good, but I really believe that the human body is perfectly adept at removing "toxins" on it's own without the help of extreme amounts of lemon juice. I do believe some of what the Master Cleanse talks about with the over-medicating of America and how a balanced diet of raw fruits and vegetables is likely the solution to a larger percentage of problems than we care to admit. That putting the right things into your body will prevent sickness and promote healthy weightloss and energy. But then at the same time, I couldn't reconcile that with only putting syrup and lemons in. Seemed counter productive.

So I quit. And I already decided that Febrehabruarv will be less demanding. It'll be more like Febrehabruarii when I spent all my extra money on fine dining experiences.

Now, contrary to everything I've just said, I think I'm gonna go buy some Kinoki pads and see if they can remove some toxins out the soles of my feet!

Today I came dangerously close to giving up. I have been near starvation for almost 4 days now. The reprieve I keep hoping for is not coming. I read that the first ten days are the worst and I think to myself, there's no way I can do this for ten days. I can't drink any more laxative tea or guzzle salt water at 7am any more. Any time I try to see the finish line, it is so far off that it feels hopeless. I try to just take it one day, one hour, one more commercial break at a time, but I have to admit... my will power is fading. The fact that my misery is self inflicted and could end, well, whenever I want, makes it that much harder to keep going.

I called Matt C■■■■ for some advice. Really, I called to ask him if he thought it would hurt me inside if I ate solid food after only four days of cleansing. After ten days, you should gradually reintroduce solid food, but I thought maybe after four days, I could just have a bowl of cereal and quit this whole insanity. But he reminded me that I'm not supposed to be hungry. If I'm hungry, I can drink more lemonade. And if that doesn't work, I can make some super lemonade with extra syrup. So I went to the kitchen and made myself a few glasses of extra strength lemonade. And I drank them. And the cramp in my stomach went away, my headache went away, my heart palpitations went away. All of this for the first time in four days.

So I've decided to keep going.

I'm not going to lie to you. I can't guarantee a victory on this one. Two weeks was a lofty fucking goal. Ten days would be respectable, but even that seems so far away. For now, I've decided to go one more day. And that is really all I can do. But, I am going to give myself a break and not drink the tea tonight. I was up at 3am involuntarily because of that stuff and I could really use a good nights sleep. Hopefully Josh is right. (Pretty Eyes Josh, not Pretty Sure Josh) Hopefully day five will be that downward slope I've been looking for. Wish me luck.

I am eating my words right now. And that is all that I am eating. I said I wanted a Febrehab that would truly be a challenge for my iron will, and I've gotten it and then some. This is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Near starvation every waking hours. There's never a moment's respite from the screaming hunger. I was told it would eventually go away but my body is resisting the reprogramming. At this point, I am going to say I will never do the Master Cleanse ever again. I don't know how I'm going to make it for two weeks, because I am beyond miserable right now. Maybe like a regular rehab, day 3 is always the worst. Maybe tomorrow will tip the scales in my favor. I sure hope so. Although, even if I'm in pain and misery for two weeks, I still won't waver or cheat.

I am losing dangerous amounts of weight, even though the scales say I gained a little bit back today. Still, 5 pounds in one day hardly seems like a healthy amount. And I guess the cleanse itself is working. Since I haven't put solid matter into the equation in three days and I keep getting solid matter out, it stands to reason that it has been inside for some time. And I think it makes sense to flush it out every once in a while. So I'm feeling encouraged there.

My sense of smell is starting to become more acute. I'd read that I could expect it to be a heightened sense, but I don't really think I smell any better. I just think I zero in on food odors. Which is to be expected. I can smell and identify everything that is within noseshot of my cubicle all day long and it is just torture. I am craving cheap fast food Mexican at the moment with margaritas and cigarettes. This March party is going to be off the heazy. Even though March 1st I'll be in OK for my niece's birthday party. But when I get home, it's on. So be looking forward to that. I'm going to go lay on the couch, conserve calories, and wait for American Gladiator, brother.

I. am. so. hungry. But I made it through the day. Supposedly the hunger fades by day three and then it's smooth sailing. You would think it would be torturous, but I find that smelling food actually helps. I cut up some garlic for Daniel's guacamole earlier and the smell of raw garlic on my hands almost makes it as though I'd eaten it. I wonder how tomorrow will be. I've definitely gone a day without eating in my lifetime -- though admittedly, not since college -- but I don't think I've ever gone two days.

The laxative tea was not really a laxative. I noticed nothing out of the ordinary when I woke up in the morning. I didn't even need to go to the bathroom. But that lasted only until I drank the saltwater flush. You mix two teaspoons of salt into a quart of water. It's kind of like a salt flavored big gulp. And it was hard as hell to drink. And it went through me faster than a Coors Light ever has. But after that brief morning episode, the rest of my day was normal, gastrointestinally speaking at least. I was a smidge light headed in the late afternoon but some lemonade helped. If it wasn't for the cayenne pepper, the lemonade would be just plain delicious. But that heat the pepper provides is so out of place. I would omit it altogether but I promised to follow the rules to the letter. I'm a lot more confident about being able to pull this off while at work all day. I was afraid I would be chained to the toilet.

Other than being hungry this is pretty easy. But even the hunger subsides after a glass of lemonade. It's going to be so nice not to worry about food for a couple of weeks, but looking ahead on the calendar and realizing how long I've committed to this for... phew. It's daunting. I will say that much. But there's really nothing I can do about it now, other than hunker down and reserve calories. My daily weight chart is already showing a downward trend and I can only imagine it will continue. I'll post results at the end. Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

Man, almost a whole week has gone by and I haven't had a single craving for meat, booze, or cigarettes. What a complete let down. Febrehab is all about the masochism and this year it's been completely lacking. Although I gradually transitioned out of veganism into Taco Cabana last year, I still have kept many of my favorite vegan meals in the regular rotation. So when February rolled around this year, I just bought all the ingredients for all of those and noticed very little transition into the clean and wholesome.

But all of that is about to change.

I had to delay my master cleanse by one day so that the first day would fall on a Saturday. The logistics of mandatory meetings at work and stuff just didn't fit in with the cleanse. So I'm still doing it for 2 weeks, just shifted back a day. I cannot wait. I am all set up. I bought a scale today that measures weight, body fat percentage, body water percentage, muscle mass, BMI, and basal metabolic rate. It's pretty sweet. And naturally, I built a sweet spreadsheet to track everything. Then I set up the tripod in the other room so I can take daily pictures during the cleanse. If I lose like 20 lbs, then I can put the pictures together into an animated gif that shows me wasting away. I also bought myself this ridiculously massive thermos to carry around my lemonade concoction all day. I am so psyched. Everyone keeps asking me what would happen if.... What happens if I get hungry or sick or invited to dinner. They don't realize the extent I will go to.

I'm going to try to post more during the cleanse because that's interesting. So far the Febrehab has been boring. But, more on that, after this....

24 hours down, 672 more to go. Today was a breeze, mostly because I'm hardly the hard living party monster I used to be. I had a slight hangover after our anniversary dinner at Kenny's. A few tequila cocktails, a couple martinis, and half a bottle of wine rightfully should have KO'ed me for the day but I felt strangely good. Eating vegan was relatively easy since I had stuff on hand. Ever since last year, I've kept up eating vegan dishes -- just not exclusively. I really think this first week will be a breeze. Then the cleanse starts.

In other news, what the fuck is up with Dannon? Yes, Dannon, the yogurt company. Daniel first pointed it out to me a while ago but it's just gotten worse. They keep making shit up that sounds like Harry Potter spells. They might as well hire him as their spokesperson. I can just imagine some old black lady doubled over and a spritely little British kid busts in and yells, "Bifidus Regularis!"

Or the new one I just heard tonight. Some fat bitch has irritable bowel syndrome until Hermione screams, "L. casei Immunitas!" Remember when Aaron wouldn't stop talking about his irritable bowel syndrome? g*d, that was so gross.

Anyway, Dannon is so making this shit up. It doesn't even sound scientific, which is really the hallmark of a good invented term. Take "glycemic index" for example. I'm not saying anything about the yogurt one way or the other. I just think their marketing department is probably a bunch of douches. Peace out.

I think I might have made a slight error in judgement when I hastily shelled out the ridiculous amount of money that I did for this Sweeney Todd style straight razor. It's supposed to give you an unbelievably close shave. Instead what it gives me is a Jackson Pollack neck and face. Tonight I ran to get my camera when I was done shaving to try and capture the utter horror that was facing back at me in the mirror. This picture is after some of the redness had gone away and after I washed off the lather, inadvertently clearing the trickles of blood. It is so incredibly painful. My face will now sting for like two hours, or until I go to bed. And the best part is, I'm left with a thick stubble on my face for all my troubles. It's amazing how I can remove 8 to 10 layers of skin but leave the hair completely intact.

In my defense, I did not receive any formal training on how to shave and after doing some reading on the internet, I may be doing things incorrectly. The jerkoff that sold me the razor was just like, "Uh yeah, you put it against your face and the hair comes off." So I thought it would be that easy. But it's not. You really have to use a surprising amount of force to get the blade through the hair. And every fucking time I drag it across my skin, I feel afterwards and there is a full healthy beard left behind. So tonight I made the fateful decision to shave against the grain with my freshly honed (or stropped) blade. The hair is a little shorter, although I am no smoother, and my face is on fire.

I suppose that's why they call it the art of shaving. I don't suppose you can pick it up and get it right the first time. One website I read suggesting trimming only your sideburns for a few times and shaving normally on the rest of your skin. And then when you've got that down, venture a little further until you eventually shave your whole face. I might rethink my entire approach here and start over that way. One thing I don't intend to do is give up. It may be painful, dangerous, and draining, but I'm going to stick with it for a while longer. I paid way to much to just cut and run.

Get it?

Anyway, I'm off to sulk and watch TV. Only three more days until Febrehab starts and I can't wait. Czech you have-nots later if I haven't gotten tetanus by then.

I make some of my best decisions after a few drinks. You wouldn't have to look any further than my set of Ronco knives to know that. But I have another example now. A 37" flatscreen LCD! I had a little money to spend from xristmas and I was debating between a dining room table with all the necessary accoutrements or a TV and a Wii. At a post-new-years finish-the-keg party, RyanS■■■ and Daniel collectively convinced me that a TV was the way to go. So at 3 in the morning, we jetted off to Wal-Mart to get one. The first store didn't have the one we wanted so we went to another and stopped at Whataburger on the way. I haven't done that in forever. Their taquitos are as good as ever, so that made me glad. And we got the TV, bungee corded the trunk closed and brought it home and set it up at 4 in the morning. It's a Vizio and it has a really good picture, we just don't have any HD signals to feed to it. But Planet Earth look pretty spectacular.

Then we set off to find a Wii. Turns out, that's impossible. Well, impossible for someone with a life. I could spend my days calling stores, figuring out delivery schedules, and standing there waiting for a Wii to come in. Unfortunately, I am employed. So I call a few stores each weekend and they laugh at me. Just as well though, I accidentally overdrafted my account the other day. Not entirely because I'm broke but also because of an accounting error on my part. Nonetheless, it opened my eyes to the fact that I've been spending rampantly for months and have to stop. So I decided no Wii until I'm debt frii. Realistically with Febrehabruariv right around the corner, I can't imagine that won't be March. And we likely won't find one then either. But if anyone has a Wii they're willing to see at face value, let me know. I might take it off your hands in a little bit.

And finally, Febrehabruariv, the first leap year, I am looking so forward to it. Giving up food this year for the middle two weeks. The surrounding weeks, I'll be weaning off and then slowly acclimating back to food. C■■■■ said he was shipping me the book on how to properly do the Master Cleanse, so I'm looking forward to reading that. I'm going to follow it to the letter, no matter what. If I'm in the hospital for malnourishment, I'll be pushing the IVs away. I'll definitely keep everyone posted on that, because it could either be torture, or another inadvertent success. Either way I can't wait. Peace.

Today is the day I finally cut my rat tail off. I've been growing it for quite some time and it is understandably out of control. I took a picture of it last night just for documentation purposes and maybe I'll post it here sometime when I'm not so lazy. I am also going platinum today. I haven't dyed my hair in so long and I just can't wait. The hairstyle I'm going for is WWII chic. I want to look like I'm about to be shipped off to Normandy.

In other news, finishing touches on the bar began last night. All of the oak is stained and shoelocked and ready to go. Turns out oak is incredibly hard to get nails or screws through. Total pain in the ass. But we managed to get the trim and the first panel up. It looks fantastic. When it's all together I have every confidence that it'll be breathtaking. Toot! Toot!

Not much time to work on it today with my haircut and two parties to go to. The first one is whirlyball. If I remember from 6th grade correctly, its a game where there are two teams on a basketball court. Everyone has a little scoop that you can use to scoop up and fling a whiffle ball. And the objective is to hit a hoopless basketball backboard inside the square to earn points. Oh wait, did I mention the whole time you're in a hard to control bumper car? Cause that's kind of important. Then it's off to celebrate Katie turning 21. All these kids are growing up so fast.

And in final news, I've been thinking already about Febrehabruariv. I'm going to give up drinking and smoking and go vegan again. But I've been brainstorming ways to make it more difficult. It defeats the purpose somewhat if it's easy. I toyed with the idea of giving up driving. The bus stop is relatively close to my apartment but SO FAR from my office. It would certainly be a massive challenge. Maybe a tad too much. I will probably give up caffeine in any form now that I don't really need it to survive. But also for the middle two weeks, I'm going to do a master cleanse. Some of you may have heard me talk about it after C■■■■ introduced me to the concept. It's not so much that I think it's a great idea, although I am 100% intrigued by testimonials on the internet, but more that I think it would be HARD to do. Essentially the only thing you ingest for two weeks is this mixture of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. You should google "master cleanse" to read more about it. It's insane. But people on the internet and C■■■■ swear by it. So I think I'll do it.

Let me know if you want to play along. Ha!

Since Febrehab is a world-wide phenomenon nowadays, I thought it important to create a marketing department to promote the benefits of good clean living. I personally always see a reduction in my massive girth. Telling you I lost 7lbs is impressive, but it doesn't really tell the story, so this year I took a picture on the first day and the last day. That way you could see a true before and after. I suppose I should just let my new brochure speak for itself. Enjoy!

In about 3 hours I will have successfully completed Febrehabruariii. This was, by far, the easiest of the trilogy thus far. I think having people doing it with me helped a lot. Plus, I'm getting pretty good at it. And the vegan thing just made it such a joy. I don't intend to binge tomorrow on anything, but I'd be surprised if I went too far into March without a relapse. I have this birthday party to go to on Saturday and that will probably be the end of sobriety for me. If I don't have something to drink on Friday.

My total weight loss was right around 7 pounds this year. That's about half of what I wanted to lose. And I know I said I wouldn't stop until I lose the weight I wanted, but ... I take it back. I am going to do whatever I want, but it just so happens that I want to stay a vegan and I want to stay on my workout routine. So everything should just work itself out.

I got a badass new haircut last week. It's kind of a mohawk, kind of a rat tail, and has a wicked triangle in the back. It's the haircut I intended to get last time, but this time I went all out. Oh man it is so cool. Daniel got his cut by Xristofer for the first time, too. His is a little more subtle than mine but also pretty wicked. His sides were clipper cut real short and kind of extend to the back of his head. You just have to see it.

I had all kinds of things planned to blog about but I'm having a really hard time remembering them now, so this will have to suffice. Leave me congratulations, bitches.

Happy to report things are still going well. I just got back from Daniel's parents' house. His mother cooked this vegetable medley that we poured over soy cheese biscuits. It was pretty delish. She's made a few really exquisite meals for me this month. Such a treat.

One more weekend to go and then, while I am not stopping Febrehabruariii, I am going to reward myself by relaxing the rules a bit. Like tonight, Daniel's mom was going to put anchovies on the salad and remembered last minute to leave them separate. If it were March and there were anchovies on the salad, I would just shut up and eat them. Or if there were wine at the meal, I would have a glass. But for the most part, I am not going to have a cigarette and I'm not going to binge drink. And I'm going to continue to eat a diet that is rich in an assortment of fresh fruits and vegetables instead of 98% soft chicken taco combos. Then we'll just see what happens from there. I am happy to report that my weight loss has resumed, thank g*d, and I've lost a solid 5 pounds now. I'd really like to see more go away, but even this 5 pounds has made a little bit of improvement.

Last weekend we joined our fellow Febrehaber, Lauren, for her game night. She just wanted to have a few friends over to play board games and enjoy a little sober fun. To get people to come, though, she told them if they would like to bring something to drink they could. It turned into too many people drinking and not really being too interested in the games. But I still had a blast. We played Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition and I did pretty well at it. I wasn't the self proclaimed champion of Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition like some people, but I still did better at it then I do the original version that we play at my parents' house.

There was even a chocolate fondue fountain there. It was making a squeeking noise, though, so someone turned it off halfway through the night causing it to solidify and become a total mess. The girl who brought it set out to trying to clean it up. So she had the outer portion of it removed and all that was left was the internal screw that draws the chocolate to the top. Keith told me that he was going to turn it on without the outer portion on. I tried to stop him. I begged him to consider the consequences for his actions. But, alas, I was unsuccessful. Some people. Sheesh. Chocolate went EVERYwhere. We're talking counter tops, carpet, walls, clothes. All I could do was shake my head emphatically and give Keith disapproving looks.

When the wall wouldn't come clean, Daniel and I set off to Walgreens to pick up a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (the greatest cleaning product known to man). While we were walking around, I got a hair up my ass to get Lauren an "I'm sorry" gift in case she mistakenly thought I had anything to do with turning on the chocolate fountain. What we ended up with was a card that sings, "I'm sorry ... soooo sorry," a decorative bag with tissue paper, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers, and a box of Summer's Eve douche. The card read something like, "Lauren, we're sorry chocolate accidentally got all over your apartment. To apologize we got you the best cleaning products we could find." We giggled for about a solid hour over giving Lauren a box o' douche. The ironic part was that after she opened it, the Summer's Eve still wasn't the biggest douchebox at the party.

But still, it was a great time and we will definitely have to do it again some time. Thanks for being such a gracious hostess, Lauren, and congratulations on being one week away from your first successful Febrehabilitation!

Not too much to report here. Looks like that Jonny fellow has attacked my website again, so you'll find the comments disabled temporarily for any post that was on the front page at the time. At least this time it doesn't redirect you anywhere. I'll get that cleaned up for your soon, but that's a timely process and I don't feel like doing it right now.

Veganism is going well. Sober and smoke free are not even an issue for me these days. Veganism is challenging at times, but rewarding. I had a dream last night that I ate a whole bag of Cheetos without realizing it. I can't have those in real life because they have cheese in them. A bastardized version of cheese, but a derivative somehow of milk nonetheless. My weight loss is ... well, negative. I've actually gained like a pound. I'm not sure how that's happening since I've removed around 100 grams of saturated fat daily from my diet. I have been using fatty avacados and nuts as a crutch to help me achieve the old familiar feeling of full. But even so, those are "good fats" and I wasn't going hog wild with them or anything. I'm going to try and concentrate my efforts on vegetables. I've slipped a little bit and have been eating a lot of fruit. Which is good for you, don't get me wrong, but vegetables are better. Less sugars. So I can't fathom that I could possibly go a whole month without any weight loss. If I rededicate myself to a majority of raw vegetables and keep active, I'm sure I'll meet my goal. Although at this point, it would be physically impossible to do so by the end of February. So you know what they say...

Hello, Marehabch!

I never thought I would say it. Really and truly, I thought that Febrehabruariii would be the end-all be-all of self-inflicted torture. But I have to admit...

I fuckin love being a vegan.

I was scared that all I would be eating for a month would be celery and carrots. In fact, I bought a massive bag of celery and carrots that is starting to wilt now. By cutting out meats and dairy, I have found a bounty of other foods to eat. Like ... I bought a bunch of roasted almonds and put them in a dish in my kitchen and I snack on them. I'd never eaten an almond before. Not straight up at least. Or my dried apricots. They're better than gummy fruit snacks and so much healthier. I bought a mango last night and after 20 minutes figuring out how to open it up, it was so good. I also got some mango sorbet. I could eat that shit all day. Oh, and I want to thank my good friend JonS■■■ for making sure that i tried humus. It is my new favorite food. I got some at Whole Foods that is tomato basil, kalmato olive, and spinach artichoke. They are all delish. Especially with some alfalfa sprouts sprinkled on top of every bite. Tonight I think I'm going to have some portobello mushroom soup. I can't even begin to tell you how much fun eating has become.

And I have to admit, I feel great. Sure, sure no drinking and smoking has something to do with that, but I really think my diet is the biggest change. And I've lost 3 pounds so far. So I think I'll be able to meet my goal of 150lbs by the end of the month. As a bonus for you all, I took a "before" picture so we can all compare the results when this is all finished. If today were March 1st, though, I would not be having a drink, a smoke, or a cow.

Who knows what culinary adventures lie ahead. I also bought a coconut, and I own a RonCo cleaver, so tonight I will either drink coconut milk or lose a hand. Wish me luck. Laaaaaaaaaaaate.

Good morning, boys and girls. Today I greet you from the confines of my very spacious and comfortable bed. And although I am breaking one of the covenants of sleep by doing something other than sleeping or fucking in bed, I'm afraid I have very little choice. You see, it wasn't my internet that was broken, it was my wireless router. And since I know precious little about networking, and am employed somewhere where I basically do nothing but troubleshoot all day every day, I have very little interest in trying to fix it. So for now, I'm just going to plug in in my bedroom. Who knows, maybe if I ignore the problem long enough, it'll go away. Seems to work for everything else. At least Ryan S■■■ gave me his extra 6' cable, so I could quit using the 6" cable that ties my router to the wall.

He gave it me to pay for the lunch that I made him. I think maybe you should all start calling me Sidesho With His Shoes Off. I was watching Ina Garten (Contessa With Her Shoes Off) the other day and she was making roasted tomato basil soup. And I thought to myself, "I could do that. I could fuckin do that." So I printed out the recipe and went to the store. The only edits I had to make were soy margarine instead of butter and vegetable stock instead of chicken broth. Cooking is so much easier than baking because you can make substitutions without it ruining everything. But seriously, folks, this soup was from absolute scratch. I chopped up onions and garlic cloves and sauteed them in margarine and olive oil with a sprinkle of red pepper flakes. Meanwhile my tomatoes cut in half were tossed in olive oil, salt, and pepper and were roasting in the oven. Then I mixed them with a can of whole tomatoes, vegetable stock, a shit ton of fresh basil, and thyme. After that boiled and simmered for 40 minutes, I busted out my brand new immersion blender and went to town. Awesome. I do have to say my tomato basil soup was a smidge better than La Madelines. And now that I'm confident in the recipe, I can totally tweak it to my liking.

Being a vegan is proving more challenging than good, clean living. But it is distracting me a little bit from the pains of withdrawl. Unfortunately, it's also making me gassy. I've never had gas before. It's bizarre. I have to assume that drastically altering my diet is to blame and hopefully it'll calm down once I get situated. Because I'll tell you one thing, I will either starve or explode before I break Febrehabruariii. I committed to this and I'm going to see it through til the end, but at this point, don't expect me to be a vegan again next year.

Best wishes to my fellow Febrehabruariiites, especially Matt C■■■■ who has taken this to the extreme and is ingesting nothing but lemonade for a month. You are truly more hardcore than I, sir. Laaaaaaaaaate.

On your mark! Get set! Go! Febrehabruariii begins! So far so good. I was nursing a raging hangover this morning -- one so bad that it required me taking a bath when I rightfully should have been at work -- so that always makes day one a breeze. I'm mostly just hungry. I think I ate enough today, I just never got that hungover satisfaction that a greezy mushroom swiss burger can bring. So far I've had plain ass oatmeal, a veggie sub, cashews, apple sauce and a protein shake. Not exactly busting a gut, but whatever, my body will adjust.

Last night Daniel and I celebrated our one year anniversary. Now, before any of you point out what I know you're going to point out, we decided that no matter how good or how bad things were for a while there, this was still the day that our relationship began. But we decided to party on Febrehabruariii Eve so that we could booze it up at dinner and whatnot. We ate at SoHo over on Beltline. Tres chic, great food, good atmosphere. I can't believe I've never been there. We might go back at some point because they serve hummus and I'm gonna eat me some hummus this month.

I just got back from the grocery store with 100 dollars worth of suitable vegan delights. You can't imagine how hard it was to find bread without milk in it. Or margarine that was totally soy. Reading labels sucks. It takes so much longer to shop. The other downside is that almost everything I got is perishable. So if for some reason I don't eat it all, then it totally goes to waste.

So okay, Daniel just walked in and busted me using his computer. My internet has been down for over a week, hence the lack of updates. I'm gonna go upstairs now and make myself some more blueberry muffins, but this time I'm going to try putting some blueberry juice in the batter like maybe in place of some of the water because I want them to come out blue. Huzzah!

Good luck to everyone who is participating, and by that, I mean Lauren.

I have been doing my research prior to my Febrehabruariii vegan experiment. I was afraid that an absense of meat, eggs, cheese, and pigs' feet would leave me wanting for meal ideas. Turns out there are all kinds of vegan recipes available for me to try. More than I could possibly try in 28 days. And I found out that the only animal product that is in my Subway whole wheat bread is honey, and I'm not counting that because bees aren't cute. Plus, I think they, like, excrete honey, so it doesn't hurt them anyway if we just steal it when they aren't looking.

I am so geared up for this. I made some blueberry muffins last night. Instead of butter they had soy margarine and instead of eggs they had applesauce. Now, you all know I hate to toot my own horn, but ... these are the best muffins I've ever had in my life. I brought some to work so everyone else could try them and they all agreed. And they're not exactly open minded when it comes to food.

One more weekend to go and then it's time to buckle down and focus on the trek ahead. I have another twist for this year. I am going to lose 15 lbs. Instead of hoping that I do, I'm going to. If March 1st rolls around and I haven't achieved this goal, then Febrehabruariii continues. Although, I highly doubt that I will have any trouble with a total lack of beer and steak, but still. It is entirely possible this could go on indefinitely.

Who else is pretending to participate this year yet fully anticipating to stop after 2 or 3 days ... or their first urge for a drink or cigarette?

Well hello there, have-nots. Welcome to the year 2007. I hope this year has found you all in good spirits and continues to do so for the next twelve months. I have had a pretty good year thus far. In the past, my new year's resolution every year was "to be more open and honest with my opinion." I feel like I might have achieved it every year also. So this time, I came up with a new one. I've decided to stop complaining about my job.

It's true what they say about your attitude being about 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Why should I continue pretending to be surprised by the bull shit I go through? Why not just prepare for it, deal with it, and have a good time doing it? Well, that's just what I'm doing. So far it is working out brilliantly. Like the other day when I found out my trip to Seattle had been moved up one week without anyone telling me or asking me, I just decided it was okay. And then it wasn't a big deal. Sure, it should have pissed me off, but I didn't let it. So on Monday morning I am flying back to Seattle once again. Yippee skippy.

In other news, Salmie passed away last night. Please don't buy me another fish. I'm going to take a break from pet ownership for a while. He was a good fish, and he will be remembered and mourned.

Febrehabruariii is right around the corner. Are you as excited as I am about that? I've done some serious thinking and I've come to a decision about this year. I am going to give up smoking and drinking, of course. But I'm also giving up meat. Yes, folks, you heard me right. And not just meat, but all animal products. Sidesho is going vegan. I don't think the actual practicality of it will be all that difficult. I normally eat an apple at 8, oatmeal at 10, Subway at noon, snack bar at 3, peanut butter sandwich at 5, protein shake after a workout, and then a chicken breast for dinner. So okay, I'll have a veggie sub instead at lunch and then for dinner I'll experiment with soy beans and tofu and the like. I think it'll all but guarantee that I match my first year's weight loss of 11 lbs... believe me, I have it to lose this year! I just pray I don't have to travel during Febrehabruariii.

Daniel just called me. He was throwing up early this morning and went home to sleep. Now he needs a thermometer to see if he's really sick or just feeling icky. So I gotta run to Walgreens. I might pick up some tomato cocktail. It's a little more expensive but thats okay. I don't mind. I try to support my local businesses.

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

Join me, won't you, on the home stretch of the second annual self-imposed sabatical from all things sinful. Any by sinful, I mean enjoyable. There are so many stages of Febrehab that you go through during the 28 days of detoxification. First there's the optimism, then the irritability, the pain, the eye gouging, the night sweats ... and eventually, the hump, followed by the denouement. I am now on the last stage -- and RIGHT on time. Remorse. After all I've gone through, why, oh why, would I subject myself to it again. I could just continue this forever and be nonetheworse because of it.

But, FUCK THAT. I think on Wednesday, after work, I will wait until that guy pulls on the tail of that bird perched on the rock outside and makes it whistle. I'll slide down the tail of the Brontosaurus and into my car. At that point, I will flick a Bic and enjoy a Prince flown fresh from Sweden. (BTW, did you catch my Jetsons reference?)

Wednesday and Thursday will be punctuated with the grand, world-wide tradition Berliners refer to as "Feierabend." Ja, meine Freunde, I am talkin about the Happy Hour! Oh, I can't wait. I need to get the chops up, though, to prepare for our victory celebration that I've dubbed "Febrehabruarii -- 28 Days, Not To Be Confused With Its Sequel, 28 Days Later." F28DNTBCWIS28DL? Doubtful. Probable? Keg. Come. BYO, though, the kegs for me. Daniel can have some. And Brett Sabulous could have had some if were going to be in town. Party starts at 8 in Addison Circle. Bring a friend.

I didn't really save any money this year. Instead, I spent every dime that I normally spend on alcohol and cigarettes dining on only the most expensive of cuisines. You haven't lived until you've had 3 foot long crab legs, or 6 lobsters wood grilled on the table in front of you, or rows of raw oysters on a halfshell abed a mound of Sonic ice. I gave up red meat in addition to the other carnal pleasures, so rare steak was off the menu. I didn't really lose any weight either, but damned if it wasn't worth it.

This was the best fucking Febrehabruarii of my life. I'll miss it when it's gone and look forward to next year (preview: Febrehabruariii). Thanks to all of you for your continued attempts to entice me to fail at my goal, and thanks to me for ensuring none of you succeed. Onward, and upward. To the bars!

All of this sobriety is resulting in a lot of down time and some mild to moderate boredom. I decided I needed a project. And since I spend a few hours every night watching some length of a Project Runway marathon, I decided to get back into sewing.

Now, keep in mind that I do not, nor have I ever, known how to sew. But I have made clothes before. This time I intend to make a shirt that I can wear. I know that's ambitious. And while I may not know how to make it happen, I do know how to photoshop over other people's sketches to show you my design.

I chose the colors based on the cheapest fabrics available. I show you this sketch mostly because I think it'll be really funny when I finish the shirt. I'll model it for you all and compare it to the design. I have this vague feeling that my first shirt in about 4 years will go horribly wrong, but I promise to show it to you no matter what. Wish me luck in my latest fruitless endeavor.

Have you seen this Colgate commercial? They're implying that if your gums bleed a little bit when you brush that it could be a sign of gingivitis and that brushing with Colgate will fix that. But what gets me every time is the chick who says "When I saw a little pink in the sink...." You cannot tell me I'm the only one who hears "two in the pink, one in the stink" and looks up expecting to see the shocker.

I have a new goal. Well, actually, it's an old goal, but I'm going to go for it now. I want to own everything as seen on TV. I'm talking everything. I'm going to begin with the Faraday Flashlight. It's a flashlight that charges itself based on the electromagnetic principles discovered by English chemist and physicist Michael Faraday. I'm really impressed they named it after him too. I also like that you have to shake it in a masturbatorial motion in order to get it to work.

How was Vegas? Oh, I'm glad you asked. I won about 700 bucks. Yay! Unfortunately, I lost about 850. It was pretty fun though. I hit a couple of big pots on the slots. I was just in such a mood for slots. You know how it is, when you get all slotty, put on your slottiest outfit. I got to see the Allistralian! She is back in the contiguous United States. We were in Vegas together for her last night and my first night. Good times. I need to call her now that she's in Dallas. The rest of my trip was resignation fodder, but the odds of that blossoming beyond an idle threat are small. I used to have ambition. Sigh.

I don't have to work tomorrow. Rawk! Oh, I almost forgot it was still Febrehabruarii and I have to comment on it. I didn't crack whilst in Sin City. It was a huuuuuge challenge, but no problemo for yours truly. I've been having a lot of sober fun with my fellow rehabruaers, Daniel and Brett Sabulous. Oh, and in closing, let me just save you all 8 bucks -- do NOT go see Date Movie. Laaaaaaaaaate.

In a twist of irony, I will be in Sin City next week Tuesday through Friday. I will be working in a hotel right near The Strip. It just sucks that this had to happen during Febrehabruarii. I have decided that there is a Vegas caveat in the rule book. If at any time during February I am sent to Vegas for a week for free, I will allow myself 300 dollars to try and win enough money to quit my job. Still, though, no smoking and no drinking. The office in Vegas had offered to take me out and show me a good time and have me stay through the weekend on their dime. I had to decline the majority of that. I'll be home on Friday. Plus, Allison will be here. To add to suckiness, she'll have left Vegas the day before I arrive. Oh fate, why must you mock me!

In other news, everything else has been going well. I think a lot of weak people are mad at me, but there's very little I can do about that. So we trudge on. I'm really starting to look forward to March 1st, even though I think I won't break the rehabruarii until March 3rd because I'm running some training courses the 1st and 2nd and don't really need to be hungover for that. Start brainstorming what we're going to do that weekend to celebrate. I want it to be something fun. Laaaaaaaate.

It was the best of sobriety; it was the worst of sobriety. I've officially made it a week. To be honest, I wasn't sure it was going to happen. This is harder than I remember. Day 3 is always the worst (obviously, read the last post). Day 7 though is when the physical addictions have quieted down to a murmur and the habitual addictions come screaming to the surface. Today I was on the A&M campus doing some recruiting for about 2 hours. I rode down and back to be there for 2 hours. Lame, I know. But just walking across campus made me want a cigarette so much that the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I resisted, though, don't worry. I am still participating in Febrehabruarii, as is Mr. Brett Sabulous. I guess everyone else is out ... since you can't start after the Super Bull.

Really this past week has been nothing short of a roller coaster for me. Some days I just feel fucking amazing and the next I'm really, really low. I've had a lot of fucking fun, and I've missed out on a lot. I'm not all that pleasant to be around ... sometimes ... and you never know when that time is. I've given up so much that sometimes it's hard to remember all the things I'm not doing. What I am doing, though, is working out like a mofo. To date, I've lost 7 pounds. That's a pound a day, retards. I should write a book.

So, I was on a high earlier, now I'm on a low. Give me five minutes or another triple shot venti cappuchino and I might be on a high again. Until then, go fuck yourself.

I always thought you needed alcohol to fuck up a night this well. Turns out, my own sober self does the job just fine. I'm not sure I could elaborate upon that assertion without trying to spin too many yarns together to explain the entire situation. I'm right on the threshold of the worst part of Febrehabruarii ... Days 3 through 6 are pretty rough. Last year I pretty much secluded myself to fight the withdrawal alone. This year I decided to lean on the strength of others -- a mistake, I assure you, I will not make again.

By Day 3, everyone I talked to had dropped out. Here's the deal. I never asked anyone to participate in Febrehabruarii. Nothing with seven vowels can be that great. My point is, I never asked anyone to join me, I only had people say they wanted to play along. All I ever asked is that you not commit if you weren't serious. Many, many, many of you weren't. Three days. Seriously. Exactly how many temptations did you resist by Day 3? My guess would be zero.

If you're still in, let me know, restore my faith in mankind.

I thought that it might be fun today to play a little game with all of you. I've obtained an exclusive photograph of a celebrity trash can. Given the three options, you have to guess whose trash it is. Ready? Here we go.

Is the answer A: British soccer stud and metrosexual posterboy David Beckham, B: International super model and reality TV emcee Heidi Klum, orrrrrr C: internet megalomaniac and google addict SideshoViD.

If you said C, you're right! You win everything behind door #1. Now take my trash out, idiot. Do you think it says anything about my lifestyle that I'm overflowing with empty cases of beer, empty cans, empty cigarette packs, and empty pizza boxes? I think it means I need to buy more beer, cigarettes, and pizza. Am I right?

Really, it is getting out of control and while it's all going to be going away during Febrehabruarii, I think it might be prudent to wean myself a little before then. I don't want to put my body in shock. Speaking of, is anybody else doing Febrehabruarii?

Hope you all had a good New Year's party and were hungover like it's 2006. Peace out skillets.

I just got my Addison! newsletter in the mail. I really have not been utilizing all that this city! has to offer. Honestly, I just keep eating at the same restaurants! over and over again when there are literally hundreds I have not tried. There's the Water Tower Theater! a stones throw from my apartment and I have yet to see a show. Speaking of theater! they are playing The Santaland Diaries! by David Sedaris! December 7th through the 23rd. Tickets! are $17-30, anybody want to go?

I also hear a lot about this Addison! Gym. Apparently, if you can prove that you live in Addison! (which shouldn't be hard to do since ... I do), there is a one time fee of $10 for a lifetime membership. I was confused as to how this could possibly be profitable for them. But I found out that I already pay for the gym. It's like part of my taxes. I suppose since we don't have schools or anything lame like that, we can afford to allot money to the Recreation Department. So I need to go check that out and see if it's as nice as Lifetime. I pay for my gym, but my company reimburses me the majority of it as part of the employee wellness program, so I guess I could always have two gym memberships. It's just a matter of getting off my lazy ass and signing up.

AllieD's friend Jennifer IMed me today and informed me that Target has outlawed Xmas. In addition, they have started selling bargain-brand vibrators at all of their stores. This is unsubstantiated information from an unknown source, but I'm definitely going to have to research this. Anyone with any information, please let me know.

I've decided in 2006 to repeat my February experiment. I'm sure you'll all recall it from this year. In 2006, though, it will (of course) be called Febrehabruarii. Like you didn't see that coming. I'm thinking that this year will be even more intense than last year. No booze, no cigarettes, no caffeine, no staying up late, no skipping even one workout, no ground beef or fatty food, no spending money frivolously. Come March, I am going to be really, really, ridiculously good looking (and out of debt). Mark my words. Anyone want to take up the Febrehabruarii experiment with me?

I might be getting a new washer and dryer today. I'm buying Miles' old ones from him because mine squeak and it is annoying. Lil Jarrod randomly called me today and we went to lunch with Daniel at J's, yum, and he said he wanted a washer and dryer, so I'm giving mine to him. Does anyone have a truck that we could use? You'd have to drive from Addison! to Den-ton¿ but I'm sure we could find some way to make it worth your while. I don't know how fun it will be to have an extra bed and an extra W/D set all chillin in my living room. I mean I know I'm white trash, but srsly.

I'm going to OKC for Thanksgiving to eat my 140 dollar Heritage turkey with my parents, sister & fam, so I'll be out Wednesday through Saturday. I got another coupon from my company for a free Butterball turkey, though, so I think I'm gonna throw my own Thanksgiving party later. Probably mid-December when Owen is in town. Miles offered to let me throw it over at the Hamptons (his new house -- in the Hamptons of Addison!). So that should be fun. I'll be sure to keep you all posted on that.

This next week is going to suck, especially with this attitude, but it will be a short one so I'm sure I can survive. It's gonna be a big push to remain employed through the end of the year but I'm sure I can do it. And, I think that's all I had to say. Funny, when I sat down, I thought I had nothing to talk about. Carpe diem, friends! HA! HA!

I went to my first happy hour in a while yesterday at the Flying Saucer with Max and Karen, old engineering technologies buddies. We had a fantastic time, a few beers, some delicious bratwurst with saurkraut and mustard. I came home fairly early, sat on the computer, and then went to bed in accordance with the sleep rules.

As it turns out, what I had done there was concoct the perfect recipe for heartburn. I've never had heartburn before, but from what I experienced and what I read, that's what it had to be. I was up literally all night trying to swallow down that acid in the back of my throat. By morning, I was fighting back the urge to vomit. I knew I had to go to work to at least give someone the work computer I've been using. So I went there first, and that's when time ran out. I threw up in the work bathroom and then came home. I absolutely feel like shit and I don't know what to do about it. Now that the burning sensation is gone, I'm left with a terribly sore throat and an excess of mucus. I'm not sure what to do.

Tell you one thing, though. My finances are in a dire situation. I think from this point forward, I am going to go back into the Febrehabruary mode. Not so strict, but I'm definitely curbing my spending a lot from now on. I need, need, need to pay off my significant credit card debt from Europe before I go to Australia on June 30. It's not like people are knocking down my door to hang out with me anyway, but I just thought I'd let you all know that my life from now until Australia will be a game of saving money, eating chicken breasts, working out and sleeping.

Is anybody going to see Star Wars tonight? Let me know how it is.

I can count on one finger the number of times that I have updated my webpage drunk. For those of you a little slow on the uptake, that means that I've only done this once before. Kudos to anybody who can tell me the date of that entry. I say "kudos to anybody" but really all I mean is "kudos to Chevy" because she's the only one who would actually take the time to ascertain said information.

I went to happy hour tonight with Andy. We drank a lot of beer. I smoked a lot of cigarettes. I have got to quit smoking more often because nothing makes a cigarette taste better than the seasoning of unrequited lust. Oh my god it was delicious. My apartment aroma is making me wet at the moment because Andy is cooking us a couple of ribeyes while I sip red wine. Having a roommate has its perks.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LESLIE. I am so random. Being drunk is like riding a bicycle. You never forget how much you need to get drunk ... and you never forget how much you want to get drunk. *takes sip of cheap red wine*

It's not just the title that used to be clever. I had at least 6 awesome stories to tell you all before I went to happy hour. One of them I remember was commentary on how good my mood was because I wasn't drinking. "It's impossible to be completely happy while ingesting that much of something called a depressant," I was going to say. But that was before the utter ecstacy I feel right now having had like 8 beers. YAY!

I love you all and I wish you could be as happy as I am right now. Oh shit, I was going to catalogue the results of Febrehabruary. That's right. I lost 11 pounds. 11 fucking pounds of alcoholic weight. I look good, I feel good ... I am good, g*d damnit. I love you all immensely. More info when I sober up (which may be never) HAAAAAAAAAAAA

I went out again last night despite vowing that I never would. Once again, I was rather annoyed by the drunk people and left early. You don't have to be drunk to have fun in a club, but I firmly believe you need a couple drinks just to take the edge off of what is an overwhelmingly obnoxious situation. I mean, look at it objectively. It's dimly lit except for a few neon and strobe lights, the music is so loud that conversation is virtually impossible, and people are packed in and stumbling over each other. You're going to want to have a few beers if you're going to last the whole night.

The thought had occured to me after Febrehabruary that I might invent Marehabch and Aprehabil. By the time I hit May, I would have no choice but to resume drinking until Septemberehab, and that's just not clever. Even though Febrehabruary was a great success and one of the best months of my life (I'll have a final tally for you when it's truly over) I don't feel the need to repeat it immediately. This could become a yearly ritual for me, though. If I've learned anything from a month of sobriety, and I like to think that I haven't, it's that drinking isn't bad or wrong, but moderation is key. In this spirit, I bought myself a nice bottle of wine to drink on Tuesday. I'm fucking retarded.

I don't think I ever announced this, but I am incorporating wine bottles into the decoration of my kitchen. If any of you drink wine often, or just happen to have an occasional bottle lying around, save it for me because I could use about 20 empty bottles, and that will take me DAYS to accumulate. Thanks.

Well, I think its just about time for me to go cook a dry chicken breast while living vicariously through Contessa With Her Shoes Off. Then I'll drink a few gallons of water so I can sweat it out in yoga. I am so v. busy and important. Check you skillets later.

Having a roommate is so good for my productivity. Instead of sitting around alone with my computer on my lap waiting for someone to IM me, I've been doing shit. I no longer accompany Andy to 24 Hour Fitness, but he does give me a run down of what to do at my gym every day and then makes sure that I go. He's also controlling my diet somewhat. I never realized how much crap I eat until I had someone constantly pointing it out to me. I'm really pushing to shed what additional pounds I can before Febrehabruary is over so I can make my success story that much more compelling. Let's just say, I think you'll all be proud of my fat ass.

I redid Tuna's tank the other night. I was in the mood to spend money and PetsMart was right next to Sally's so I dropped in and perused their selection. I got rid of his rainbow castle that Marshall gave me and replaced it with this more natural looking rock. It's got some small plants and a few big shrooms growing out of it. I also put in some grass along the bottom. It looks sooooo much nicer now. I think Tuna likes it too. I'll take a picture of it for you just as soon as I get my laptop back from Best Buy. Ohhh yeah, I took it to Best Buy this morning after I went to yoga and before I went to work out. It should be back in 7-10 business days and then we will be back in action, kids. I can't wait.

Andy also convinced me to get a tanning membership with him. Well, I say "convinced" but really he just said, "Hey, let's go tan" and I said, "Rrrrrokay." I learned on the History Channel that long, long ago, women would powder their skin in an attempt to look more pale. They did this because only the wretched poor serfs (today's modern day retail employees) had to work outside and get tan. A true sign of affluence was pale white skin. I had adopted this mentality up until recently. I'll never be dark, but I suppose it would be nice to be human-colored.

Speaking of modern day retail employees, I am so sick of boys who brag about working at Abercrombie or Hollister. So I will leave you today with a little rule for you all to remember, in case you ever feel special about your mall job: If you fold clothes that are not your own, you are a servant.

My new roommate, Andy, moved in on Saturday. It's only been a few days, but it's been pretty fun having a roommate again. There are pros and cons to both styles of living, naturally, but its nice to have someone to watch TV with, someone to motivate you to eat less and workout more, and someone who goes to bed at a decent hour, so I do also. Andy is a coworker of mine who got hired at the same time as me but works in Houston. He's here for about 10 weeks for training, but I'll be in Europe for the middle three of those weeks, so it's really just like 3 and 3.

He's a personal trainer in his free time, so he took me to 24 Hour Fitness these past two days to give me a few work out hints. It was really informative, but g*d, I hated pretending that I was going to sign up for a membership, so I'm not going anymore. I gave them a fake number and the fucking guy tried to call me today to tell me about some great deals, so I was totally busted when we walked in. I continued lying through my teeth about it being a real number. I felt so much like Thommi.

I am really trying to lose 10 pounds before I go to Sweden. That is totally doable, according to my live-in trainer, but I think it involves not being a gluttonous pig. Maybe I should just learn to love myself the way I am, since I simultaneously find myself entirely too skinny and entirely too fat. But it doesn't really fucking matter when I wrap myself up in my brand new wardrobe. I went on a bit of a spree this weekend with my personal shopping assistant, Mr. Sean W■■■■. A cool grand later, I have some kickass new clothes to wear to the office at headquarters. I also got this jacket that makes me weak in the knees ... from Source Paris, of course. You wish you had this jacket.

I feel like I had a lot more to say before I started. A phone call from JennyC■■■ and a phone call from 27 confirmed the fact that I have nothing to say. Both of them abruptly ended our conversations when I sat silently with the phone to my ear. I promise to fill you all in when I have something to say.

Tonight a friend of mine was having her birthday party at Republic, a bar in Uptown. I almost didn't go, but at the last minute, sitting around my apartment, I jumped in the shower (despite that being SO dangerous) and got to the party around midnight. I have some stories that might be slightly embarassing, so to protect the innocent, we'll just call my friend "Amanda" (because that's her name). It was the first time I've been to a bar since we began this experiment. The temptation to drink was high, but not insurmountable. I eventually had to get a double tonic and tonic with a twist of lime so I'd have something to do with my hands.

Amanda was making me a tad uncomfortable. I have a few observations about drunk people that I will henceforth dispense for your reading pleasure. Drunk people may intend to whisper, but in fact are quite audible. One of her friends made a comment about some guy being gay, and Amanda said to me, "That's the pot callin' the kettle black!" The guy then turned to ME and says, "What is that supposed to mean?" I was like what the hell, I didn't say anything. So I played it dumb answering each of his questions with a question. He eventually got distracted. Some of my other favorite "whispered" messagers were, "That guy has a whooooole lot of facial structure going on," and, "That girl's entire bra is hanging out!" Each of them resulted in me getting a dirty look.

Another thing I noticed is that drunk people all stand too close and are all close talkers. I was doing all I could to do the stance where you put all your weight on your back foot and portrude your other leg out creating a boundary they cannot penetrate. Then you lean way back to get a couple more inches of clearance. Of course, this exacerbates the first problem of saying things too loudly.

Drunk people also like to drag you into uncomfortable situations. Amanda was there with a guy she's been dating for like 8 months. When she went to the restroom, he told me about how their mutual office was having a couples night out, and when Amanda got the email about it she replied saying she was single. He wanted me to explain what she was doing. Now, I've known this girl for the majority of my life but I've probably talked to her a total of 4 times in the past 6 years. Hardly credentials for decyphering her relationship for her "boyfriend." Very uncomfortable.

I had a nice time though and I wish her the best on her second 23rd birthday. Tomorrow I might go out to the gay bars. I miss my friends. First, I'm hoping to do some serious shopping in preparation of Sweden. I need to be around to give my new roommate his key sometime tomorrow. Oh, did I forget to mention that I have a roommate now? Laaaaaaate.

Bonsoir, mes amis! Wie geht es ihnen? Jag hoppa det du er all gör brunn. This past week I bought CDs for French, German and Swedish so I could get a head start on learning all the languages I'll need during my European adventure. I already speak German, and Swedish is (from what I know thus far) a lot like it. So really, I'm just trying to pick up some basic French phrases to get a hotel room and a menu. Good times, good times. You don't want to ride in the car with me though. It's totally annoying. But I should be quadri-lingual by April.

This weekend I went to a party at Adam's house up in Denton. Good christ, Denton is far away. It was a pretty big milestone for me because it was the first time I've subjected myself to some good old fashioned binge drinking that I know and love so much without partaking. They were all downing cheap beers and chain smoking and I wanted to participate sooo bad, but I resisted. And not only did I stay clean, but I had a really good time hanging out and getting to know people I'd never met before. Maybe I do still have social skills, and I just never let myself realize it.

This is off topic, but I have to ask. What the hell is up with fat, old men in the gym locker rooms? It's like they refuse to put some fucking clothes on. I guess their wives won't let them walk around naked at home so they do it at the gym? It is so weird. If you're a fat old man who reads my webpage and walks around naked in locker rooms, please fill me in cause you're all making me nauseous.

Speaking of the gym, if things continue to go as well as they have with Febrehabruary, I plan on partying March 1st and then going right back to my sober ways. I am saving so much money and losing so much weight. I could never have fathomed that it would go this well.

Ryan S■■■ sent me an article about people being fired from their jobs based on what they say in their blogs. It kind of put the fear of g*d in me. My webpage is laden with material that should rightfully lead to my termination. I think I'm going to go through and hide some of the entries for the time being while I figure this out. In the meantime, I'm going to refrain from discussing work explicitly and avoid mentioning any projects I'm working on by name if I do. Hope it doesn't leave you all wanting.

Now, I am still drenched in sweat from yoga, so it is time to showah. Peace, you have-nots.

This morning promised to put me in a fowl mood (quack! quack!) since I had to get up at the ass crack of dawn to go back to the pits of the ■■■ Airport. I have gotten rather surly about going on sites, so people know they damn well better be good and ready for me to be there before they ask me to go somewhere. If there is no power, or no communication lines run, then I can essentially do nothing. I could crawl up in the ceiling and run wires like Trey does ... but my jeans cost a lot more than his.

So I grudgingly obliged to be dragged back to what I have come to believe is my own personal hell under the veiled promises of EVERYTHING being wired. I was assured that the ONLY thing left to do was download my program and verify it. Pschah. I didn't believe it for a second. Sure enough, we get out there and power hasn't even been hooked up. To put a cherry on this clusterfuck, there were problems with the permits that might take two weeks to clear up. DFW can suck a nut.

So now I'm in a bad mood. I decided to try and apologize to myself for making me get up early and drag myself out to DFW with a taquito. So I left work and got a taquito and slowly enjoyed it. Luckily, I go pretty easy on me and decided to forgive myself. Soon after, it was time for lunch where I shoveled BBQ into my face like it was going out of style. Free Fried Pie Tuesdays in full effect, ya'll. I would tell you all a story about me, Michael McNeff, and fried pies, but it's much to long and will have to wait for another day. Anyway, since all pleasure in my life is now derived from food, I was thrilled when my mother called and asked me to go out to dinner with her since my dad was going to a Mavericks game. Score! Pan seared grouper with a citrus sauce and steamed vegetables at Fridays? Sign me up!

The real reason I'm so happy about all the good food that I ate is that when I went to go work out I weighed myself again and I lost another pound! w00t! That puts me at -3 from the starting gate. Things are looking up, kids. Oh, and also, my mom gave me my Valentine's Day present. It's her foot massager that she never uses, so I am now enjoying the most wonderful foot massage ever. All in all today was a good day. There were a few bumps here and there, and my mood has been erratic lately, but I'm doin alright.

Now, who wants some unflavored popsicles?!

Yoga yesterday was wonderful. It was just me and three foreign middle-aged women, on account that the class was during the Super Bull. I was sweating rather profusely, as it is hot yoga, and since there were very few people there (and the male instructor is essentially nude already) I decided to take my shirt off. Now, you all KNOW how much I hate to toot my own horn, but I just wanted to share with you that while I am still morbidly obese, my working out has begun to spring the roots of progress into my mounds of fatty flesh. I think I'm starting to improve, and that is such good incentive to keep going, since my workout partner has disappeared for the past 2 weeks and has vowed to disappear at least one more. I still haven't missed a day though. Toot! Toot!

So far so good on the sobriety experiment. The only problem is that I've become increasingly irritable. I blame that more on the cigarettes than anything. I just don't like it when people try to tell me what Febrehabruary is. I made the fucking rules for me, for me to follow, not for you to assess. I am slowly withdrawing to protect my original decree of 28 days of no drinking. I'm afraid that by the end of this, I will have no friends. But I will persevere. Little things have just been annoying me more than they normally would.

It's like when somebody tells you that going from 2 packs of cigarettes a day down to a pack a week "doesn't count." And then pokes you... repeatedly....

But I did have a wonderfully productive weekend. Waking up at 10 feeling fully refreshed and ready to tackle the day was a welcome respite. And feeling tired on Saturday night meant that I curled up in my PJs with my laptop, when normally I would have feel obligated to go out. So there is good associated with the whole thing. I talked to AllieD last night, and asked her how Jamey did it. Jamey, her squeeze, gave up alcohol for 2004. The whole fucking year. He said I would be done with my experiment long before the hurt went away. So that was encouraging.

You'll notice I also have scads more time to update my webpage. I should be at Studio Movie Grill right now, but instead I think I'll go to the gym. Peace out, have-nots!

Last night I had a dream that prom was that night. Somehow I had managed to completely forget about the entire gala. Looking back, maybe it was because I haven't been in high school for damn near six years, but try explaining that to my subconscious. I hastily got ready and went to the dance stag. Open bar, dude! I rationalized with myself that since it was prom, and prom is a big deal, it would be okay if I had one drink. Which led to another, and then another, and then another. As I sat outside enjoying my buzz and finishing off my last cigarette, I contemplated how I was going to justify this transgression to you, my readers -- whether or not I would reset my counter, but knowing ultimately that I had to.

G*d damnit, my brain is starting to wonder where the alcohol is, and it is not going to be happy when it doesn't get it any time soon. The other fun part of my dream is that Yale Chris was there. But he was with his new boyfriend, which in and of itself was not the problem, except that the new boyfriend was his identical twin, and they were dressed the same. And to top it all off, they were doing LSD from a stamp on this other boy's hand since all of his friends from the University of Wisconsin (???) had joined him at Plano's prom. He tried to get me to lick his hand, but I wouldn't. At least I still have SOME integrity in my dreams.

Yesterday somebody asked me if I was going to watch the Super Bull and I got all up on my high horse and was like, "Derrrr, the Super Bull was last week." Whoopsadaisy! Isn't this thing always in the last week of January? It is already fucking Febrehabruary. Get on the ball (no pun intended). So now I'm hoping somebody today will ask me if I'm watching the Super Bull because now I can say, "NO, but I am watching the Supper Bowl!" The Food Network is having a marathon during the silly little game of nothing but Paula Dean. G*d, I love her. How do you like that massage, Mr. Turkey? So my day is full.

And since I am decided NOT hungover this morning, which is odd for a Sunday, I am definitely going to make it to yoga today, which is good news. Then it's on to face a week at work having had no release this weekend. Wish me luck.

Huzzah! I made it through my first Friday night without so much as a sip of my intoxicating lover, ethanol. I can tell you one thing: It was not easy. First, I left work early to go play pool with my coworkers for Trey's birthday. We played 10-ball, which was new to me, but a really fun game. I lost $7. Apparently you're not allowed to gamble in these pool halls, so when we got busted, we had to quickly cover by saying that we were all exchanging money to pay for beer. We were obviously not paying for beer. But they were all drinking it. The sweet aroma wafting through the air, mixing and intertwining with the acrid smell of freshly burnt tobacco. "Just get a beer!" they would say. And I declined. I stayed for about an hour, but after my few glasses of water, I had to get out of there.

Onto a dinner date thing with my new friend Adam. He was dreadfully late, but kept consistent communication all night. I always tell people, I don't care if you're late or have to cancel if you just fucking call and let me know. That is really the key. So I awarded him points for that. Cheddars (not my choice) was packed. Apparently this is a big Friday night destination for fat, straight people. Since it was so crowded, we opted for two empty seats ... at the bar. Neither of us were hungry so we chit-chatted and split the spinach dip. I had about 26 glasses of water while Adam enjoyed three margaritas on the rocks "with a little stank on em." He also inhaled about a half a pack of cigarettes. "Just get a margarita. I won't tell anyone," he insisted. And I declined. He had made plans to go out that night, and Ryan S■■■ and I were supposed to have a movie night so we parted ways early.

Ryan and I went to the new Wal-Mart Neighborhood store here and got some Moolenium Crunch ice cream (the best) and a couple of magazines to read. We endulged in our Friday night pleasures and watched my copy of the Phantom. (Shhhh, don't tell the federal government.) Ryan didn't like it. I did, but I slept through it. Earlier that evening Ryan asked if I wanted something to drink. My choices were orange juice, water or wine. Wine? Ryan's Febreviewary has different rules than my Febrehabruary. In his month, he has only to avoid buying alcohol in an effort to save money. So previously owned wine is well within the rules. And I ... I declined.

Omega, I just realized. Alcohol is, like, my own personal jesus christ. All before the cock crowed, I denied it three times.

Hehe, I said "cock"

Man, I know it's only Day 3, but this is HARD. It's not so much that 3 days have transpired; it's more that 3 days where I think about nothing other than how I'm not drinking have transpired. It's a tad disturbing just how much of my life is closely associated with the consumption of alcohol. For example, I went to On the Border (OTB to the cool kids) last night with JonS■■■ and all I could think about was how an ice cold Corona would wash down the salsa burn and a pitcher of margaritas with salt would make the perfect dessert. Or like when I realized it was half-priced martini night at the Velvet Hookah and my friend, the owner, owes me a night of free drinks. Or like this morning when I woke up and brushed my teeth without a pick-me-up.

Day 3 is always a milestone. The combination of no drinking and no smoking is a killer. But what doesn't give me cirrhosis, only makes me stronger. This weekend will be the first real test. Especially since coworkers are going out to drink beer and play pool for Trey's birthday and I'm accompanying them all. I've already warned them that if they give me a hard time about not drinking that I won't be attending.

I suppose I should explain my title: Bury the dishes! We tried out this new Mexican restaurant by my office today. It's right next to El Chicos, so every Wednesday on Enchilada Day, after we're done picking teams, we always say we should try this Taqueria Arandas. So today we did just that. Their sign outside, their menu, and their boards inside all said, "Sabroso... Sabrosito!" None of us speak gibberish so we asked the waitress what that means.

She said, in a very thick accent, "Mmm, sabroso is dishes ... dishes and sabrosito is hmm bury the dishes." I paused. I digested what she'd just said. I asked her to repeat herself. "Bury the dishes." Again, I paused. Not wanting to make a scene, I said, "Ahh okay, yeah ... thanks." After she walked off, I asked the other people around the table what the hell "bury the dishes" meant. Coworker Adam and I decided that it meant that they had such big portions of food that it buried the plate, and that it must not have been a literal translation and that's why she had a hard time telling us. Then my boss goes, "What are you guys talking about?

"She said, 'Delicious. Very delicious.'"

Day 1 of sobriety gone and done. How easy could this be? Since my rehabilitation experiment opening day fell on a workout cardio day, I decided to hit it extra hard. I rode the stationary bike for 15 minutes as a warm up and then did that fucking elliptical machine for a solid hour. Holy crap, my knees are all swollen up and I sweat my ass off. The last time I had my heart beat at 160 bpm for over an hour was ... well ... I can't even make a sex joke there because that would be false.

Although my progress will all be relative to today, I do want to share with you all some of my achievements as of late. Not only did I double my cardio time, but I doubled the amount that I bench press. Also, instead of gaining 5 lbs every week like I had been for the past few weeks, this time, I lost 2 lbs. Kick ass. But today is ground zero. This is what all progress will be measured against. I'm really hoping that 28 days from now will be this huge success story. Something akin to Celebrity Fit Club.

Ryan S■■■ has decided to join me in my quest for Febrehabruary. (That's rehab in February, for any of you who haven't put that together yet.) Except Ryan has put his own spin on it. By not drinking, he is attempting to see as many movies as he can in an experiment he has dubbed "Febreviewary." G*d, I have clever friends. JonS■■■ has recently moved back to Dallas (thank jebus, Houston is the armpit of the world) and is intrigued by Febrehabruary. He's decided to join my quest. He doesn't have a witty name for his yet, though. I've decided that as added incentive, any of my readers who don't drink for the 28 days of February (those who normally would drink ... and those who aren't dirty liars AND alcoholics) are invited to go out with me on March 1st. All drinks are me! Yippee!

Maybe I shouldn't think about drinking this early on.

My final weekend of going out prior to Febrehabruary was a stunning success. Raul never came, nor did he ever call. Disaster? No, time to call in the pinch hitter. Marshall was looking for a weekend outside of College Station so I told him to come see me. After blatantly ignoring all of my directions about 4 times, and circling the greater DFW metroplex, he finally arrived at my apartment.

For the next 4 hours Marshall got ready to go out. It wasn't a big deal that he took forever applying makeup since we were waiting on his friendgirl to get here. The girl was dreadfully abrassive. After I gave her directions to my apartment, she called Marshall's phone and said, "I'm here." We each took one final look in the mirror and put our shoes on before she called again. I answered and she said, "I SAID I was HERE so get your fuckin ass DOWN HERE." And I replied, "I beg your pardon? Do you think this is Marshall?" And she said, "I don't give a shit who it is, I SAID GET DOWN HERE." What a lovely way to introduce yourself to someone who has invited you to their apartment and offered to drive you downtown. It was pretty typical behaviour for her, it turns out.

We had a good time out at the bars with the whole gang. Since we arrived at 12:30am there wasn't much time to get a good buzz going. We did our best though. The night wound down with some dancing at S4. The next day, I took Marsha to the West Village for some real shopping. I forced him to try on some expensive clothes, but he didn't end up buying anything. I, on the other hand, bought a wonderful magickal shirt. It is the coolest shirt ever. It has a big sequin and beadwork butterfly on the back. I got so many compliments on it, its not even funny. Even though, it did make me laugh.

That night, we went back to S4, with Tagalong McIllmannered in tow again. I was looking good, feeling good, and got hit on for the first time in far too long. I probably got hit on by 26 people.

I have a bottle of vodka and a handful of beers (well, not a literal handful, cause that's just one) in the fridge that need to go away before Tuesday. I'm gonna blue bell it. That's a noun I just verbified to mean that I'm gonna drink all I can and give away the rest. If anybody wants my leftovers or wants to come over on Monday to help me dispose of it, let me know. I'll be contacting you all next from the land of sobriety. Laaaaaaaaate!

Dear all you bitches who said I would get fired,
I got a raise today.
Har dee har fucking har.
Love,
Sidesho

In fact, my year-end review said that I was doing "outstanding," had "exceeded all expectations," and had "received praise from co-workers both in and out of [my] department." It's kind of hard to argue with that. And that's in print, bold-faced, and in my permanent record. So to everyone who scoffed at me going in late 6 months in a row, everyone who turned their nose up at my mid-day naps, anyone who thought noon was too early to call it a day, and the nay-sayers who thought skipping a day was grounds for immediate termination, I say sit on it. I'm doing an outstanding job. Besides, you can't hold it against me that I'm as much as three times more productive than the average human.

The only thing my boss said he was worried about, concerning yours truly, is that I would be quitting relatively soon. He said I have too much education and potential for this job to hold me longer than 4 years. He doesn't know I was planning on quitting Tuesday. But, he does make a good point. I am terribly bored with work. But you just can't deny how sweet it is to land yet another job where I do what I want, and the allure of making that into a career.

Oh goodness, look at me going on and on about myself. How dreadful. You all KNOW how I hate to toot my own horn.

My workouts are going well even though Mr. K■■■■■■ has fallen "ill" and I've been flying solo every day this week. Except this time I'm being literal; I have gone every day this week. Even though I am still morbidly obese, at least my arms are muscular enough to lift my fat ass off the ground. Hopefully Febrehabruary will take care of that. (I changed the name from Frehabruary to Febrehabruary. While they both look fine in print, the latter is definitely easier to speak aloud.)

Did you notice my grammatically correct usage of the semi-colon in the paragraph above? My grammar book (Eats, Shoots & Leaves) is positively fascinating. I am learning so much from it. And its fuuunnnnny.

Allison left for Australia yesterday. I hope she likes lederhosen and wienerschnitzel, ja. JKJK. I'm not much for sloven goodbyes, but I did get her a picture frame that said "Best Friends" along the top and then "Sydney July 2005" along the bottom. When I saw it on the shelf, I thought it was so appropriate and definitely freaky that they were mass producing them. JKJK again! I had it engraved. That's my new thing. You're nobody unless you get an engraved gift from me. Except for Ryan S■■■ who got a kickass DVD stand. That was from the heart. Anyway, back to Allison. She'll be gone for a year but I'll see her this summer, so that's not too bad. I wish her the best ... shrimp on the barbie.

I bought a big bottle of pomegranite juice. It's called Pom. Much like every other juice ever produced, it claims to be really good for you. I'll tell you one thing: it's fucking delicious. If you are just joining us and aren't familiar with the fruit, search my site for it. I have a great explanation somewhere in the past. The only downside of the juice is that it was 10 bucks for something the size of a cranberry cocktail. That's too expensive to have it on my permanent online shopping list, but a definite treat now and again.

I think I'll end on that note because I'm rambling a tad. I miss you all and apologize for my continued unpluggedness. We'll all get through this soon enough. Peace out, my little have nots. I love you all.

I apologize for my recent absence from the internet, but I assure you, I have been completely powerless. That is to say that my power cord still does not fit in my computer. For some reason, when I got home from work today (at 3:30 -- RAWK) the charge light was on and I was fully charged. I haven't even touched the thing all weekend, so that was weird, but welcome. I'm going to have to take the ol' porn player to Best Buy and have them ship it off to their service department. Hopefully they can fix it and hopefully its under warranty.

I finally went to a yoga school yesterday. I found this Addison Yoga place right by my apartment. They do hot yoga. Hot yoga is just like regular yoga, but its hot. Like really hot. They keep the room at about 100 degrees the entire time. I sweat my ass off. But I really, really liked it. It's only 15 bucks per class, or 12 if you buy a pass. I will probably do this at least once a weekend. I've already drummed up some interest from Lil Jarrod to join me. I think everyone should be doing this, it was so choice.

Today marks the first day of my 5-a-week workout schedule. I'd been going at least 4 times a week, sometimes more, up until the holidays and then I totally fell off. But my friend Greg from New York, he's kind of weird, and he signed up at my gym. So now I have a workout buddy. We both made it perfectly clear that we didn't want to work out together, though. We just want to carpool to the gym in order to motivate each other to stick with it. This is gonna be so great. The next time I show myself in public, I'm gonna be so hot. And by 'hot' I mean that my biceps are gonna be as big as my beer gut.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to address you all again. Thanks for your patience while we struggle through this predicament together. I am gonna send my computer off on Saturday so if I happen to wake up fully charged, I'll update before I let it go. Otherwise, I'll just have to scrounge around and see whose computer I can use. I really wanted to be able to keep you all up to date on my Frehabruary experiment. (I just now came up with that name, I kinda like it.) It's coming up so fast. I can't wait. Oh, and all my expenses got sorted out including the rat bastards at the Velvet Hookah. The owner called and apologized and offered me free drinks. Anyone wanna go?

Oh, and Raul, you should call me since you're impossible to get a hold of. I am still fully expecting you to come up the last weekend in January for my alcoholic swansong. The rest of you, refrain from calling, I get so annoyed when my phone rings. Thaaaaanks.

Here's the deal. The power jack on my laptop, like the thing inside my laptop, has come loose. This happened sometime around April, but hasn't really been an issue. Anytime I lost contact, I would jiggle the cord and all was well. But now, it seems, I have lost the ability to fix the problem with a jiggle. I took my laptop to Best Buy today for their service department to fix it. It's not so much a service department as it is a shipping department. I just wanted him to open it up and take a look, but he assured me that it had to be sent off for three weeks. I don't want to give up my computer for three weeks, but I also don't want to spend an hour getting the cord in just the right spot any time I want to use my computer (like I did tonight).

This was my thought. February is already going to be hellacious and productive. I am giving up alcohol for one month. I am giving up cigarettes for one month. I am giving up the night life for one month. Why not give up chatting for one month?

That's a terrible idea.

I don't know what other choice I have. I can't afford another laptop. Hell, I can't even afford lunch this week due to a savings miscalculation. Still gotta get to the bottom of that, I think somebody stole 125 dollars from me ... which would simply augment the 87 dollars the Velvet Hookah already stole from me (and won't give back, those rat bastards ... but their bartender is hot).

My bedroom is mostly green. Mostly. I need two more gallons to finish up the job. You would think I lived in a 8,000 sq. ft. apartment with how much time I spend painting. Truth be told, I just derive a certain pleasure from doing things slowly. I always have. I like to eat slow. I like to walk slow. I like to paint slow. And I like to tilt my head back and then bring it back up slow-ly.

I'm not 100% certain when to use "slow" and when to use "slowly." Can anybody shed some light?

Quick life update. Drank too much. Made it back to New Amsterdam Coffeehaus with Mr. K■■■■■■. I haven't been back since I went with Ryan C■■■■■■ who now lives in Port-land, so I have to call him to let him know. I think something good may be beginning, but I am always skeptical of optimism. Netflix continues to rawk my world and work is even less of a concern than it ever has been. I talk to Tuna too much for a well adjusted young man and I haven't worked out since I started painting. I will be sick within a few days and the only thing in my apartment suitable to ingest is water from the tap. And beer. I think that's about it. How are you?

HAPPY SOLSTICE!!!!!1! Today it was 70 degrees and the forecast for tomorrow is snow.

Here are some things I've probably told all you at one time or another, but I need to get them out there, because it will make future blogs easier to write.

First, I am giving up drinking for an entire month. I have selected February as my dry month, for the obvious reason that it is the shortest month and I'm concerned that this will be next to impossible for me. There are several reasons that I am doing this. The first of which is that I'm concerned that this wil be next to impossible for me. It's that whole, "I can quit anytime," mentality that gets people into trouble. So I want to make sure I can still quit anytime. I have also been disturbingly unproductive since I moved here. I need to finish decorating and painting and everything. But the biggest reason is that I need money. I am going to see Allison is Australia in July and one alcohol free month will pay for the entire thing. Yeah, its that out of hand.

The fun thing is, February is 28 days long. So I am going recreate Sandra Bullocks commanding performance in 28 Days (not to be confused with its sequel, 28 Days Later).

In foreign news, I might get to go to Sweden for two weeks for work. I don't care if they make me do fucking manual labor in Sweden, it will fucking rawk. It's not certain in the least that I will get to go but I really, really, really hope I do. I've been pretty pushy about it at work, vying for the opportunity.

Lastly, I am never cutting my hair again. Never. Every day that I don't cut my hair, I am happier than the day before. This counteracts the fact that every day that I go to work is worse than the day before. So I am flatlined right now.

I think that's all that I had to report. I've had about 15 conversations during the time that I was typing this so I got a little sidetracked. Time to go to the gym for a cardio day. Whoo hoo. Later, sluts.

My four day weekend is over. I am so not looking forward to work tomorrow. But I guess I should just accept it as an inevitability and carry on with my life. Thommi and Dan spent Friday and Saturday with me. We had way too much fun. There was much drinking, much socializing, much of the creme de la creme of Dallas explored. Shopping in the West Village was crazy. I sat and watched as these two boys dropped a collective grand on new digs ... money, I can assure you, they did not have to spare. How fun are they? I think my Shopping Hawk inspired them (a hair-do I invented just for the outting).

Have you ever noticed in movies when the phone lines are cut, they always pick up the phone and then repeatedly tap the little hanger-upper button? I haven't had a land line in many years, so maybe I'm a fool for asking, but does that ever help? Just once I'd like to see them be in a really scary sitch, pick up the phone with no dial tone, freak out, push the button and then have everything be fine. "Oh, that was scary, I thought for a second the phones were down, but they're not. Beeeeeeep. Booooooop."

I also fucking love those commercials where people speak to each other in phone tones. Hey, for those of you who find my webpage sacrelicious, good news:

It has become glaringly apparent that if I am going to successfully quit smoking, I am also going to have to quit drinking. I have a little experiment planned for a substance free month of my life. It won't be until February though ... because February is the shortest month, and this is going to be torturous. I'll get you some more details on that when the time arrives. Until then, hold your collective breaths, you have-nots.