You all know how I am an extreme fan of Reader's Digest. I just read the best article and it spawned a new weekend activity for me. It was all about how to be your own body guard.

It has little tips like how you should always stop your car where you can see the tires of the car in front of you. That way if someone tries to carjack you, you can swerve around the car in front of you to get away. (And then immediately throw that bitch right back in reverse and permanently solve the problem.) They also say if you're being attacked you should yell "Fire!" instead of "Help!" People's natural inclination when someone is yelling for help is to get away because they don't want to get sucked into it. But they are also so inclined to run toward a fire, thinking they'll be able to help in some way. That was by far my favorite hint. They also suggest carrying a little bit of "mugger's money." This is just a little bit of easily accessible cash that can be handed over if need be to someone putting a pistol in your pie hole. Most muggers are looking for a quick buck and will run away once they have it, so it's better to lose a $20 than a jaw bone.

But onto the activity. I get this feeling Daniel hates the multitude of activities I have planned at any one time, but he has to participate in this one. We've talked before about getting some mace to keep in the house just in case someone was breaking in. Realistically, I'm more concerned about a confused, irate drunk person trying to get into what they think is their apartment than I am about a robber trying to take my things. So I think mace would suffice to keep me safe. However, if I am woken up in the middle of the night by the sound of my front door being kicked in, my ass is going out the window, pronto.

We have a door in our bedroom that opens to the outside. Only it goes nowhere. There's no balcony or anything, just a railing to a 4 foot drop. So like Reader's Digest suggest, I've informed Daniel that we will be having a break-in drill soon. I want to lay in bed and pretend the door just got kicked in and then see how long it takes us to get up, grab a cell phone, unlock and open the pointless door, and then jump over the railing to the flowerbeds below. He is confident that in the situation we would rise to the occasion, but that is just the kind of talk my four dollar magazine advises against.

Anyone wanna run the stop watch for us?