I've always tried to be a bit of an ideas man (see: Mega-Blinds) but ever since Pitchmen came on TV, I've been dying to come up with an invention that I can market on TV. Sadly, Billy Mays passed away recently, so I don't think they're going to continue the show. But I can't let that stop me. I must press forward with new ideas.

Which brings me to my latest invention. It occurred to me while laying on top of Daniel, blocking his view of the television just how comfortable it is to lay on someone's chest. Why not make a pillow that follows those contours for use all the time? I can't really speak towards a woman's chest, but I assume that most straight men would be deterred from buying a pillow in the shape of another man, even though it is undeniably comfy, so I made some women pillows too.

You can't tell me you wouldn't buy one of these. You could, but you'd be lying. What do you think? I think it's a little better idea than my clip-on pants cuffs. For those days when you realize your jeans are just a little too short to be wearing. You reach into your glove box and pull out your clip-on cuffs and extend your pants an extra inch or two. I'm working on a prototype as we speak. I'll be sure to let you see it. As long as you don't steal it and market it! I'm serious.

I can't believe I stayed up an extra hour to photoshop boobs onto pillow. Wait, maybe I can. Late.

I haven't blogged in quite some time. And I rarely if ever talk about my job on my blog, but I can't really explain my recent absence without it, so I'm breaking all the rules. I've been assigned to a project that has sucked the joy from my life. If there is something I enjoy doing -- being with Daniel, watching TV, riding my Vespa -- I no longer have time for it. I've been waking up around 5:30am every day, going to a construction site, working 10-12 hours, coming home, and programming or making changes until midnight... only to wake up the next morning and do it again. And this is Monday through Saturday with no end in sight. I've really been on the verge of just not showing up ever again, but so far have persevered.

But today, a ray of sunshine broke through the clouds. I got summoned for jury duty!

I've been summoned several times in the past, but it was always in Collin County. And I haven't lived in Collin County for quite some time. So all I had to do was go to their website, check the box that said I didn't live there, and submit, and I was exempt. But I think voting may have set their records straight so today I got it for Dallas County. So its the first time that I actually have to go. Normally, I'd be dodging it like everyone else, but with my job sucking as bad as it is right now, I'm seriously excited. And with only an up-side to being selected, I will be doing whatever it takes to get on that jury. I will say whatever they want to hear. They're going to have to DRAG me from that courtroom if they don't choose me.

Really when you think about it, it is kind of cool to be on a jury. Like watching an episode of SVU and deciding the outcome. Most people just avoid it because its a total pain in the ass. But if you've got nowhere better to go, might as well, sit back, relax, and enjoy the drama. It's not until April 6th, so I've just got to last until then. But I'll be sure to let you all know how my selection process goes.

I have a new theory.

All women will one day start a jewelry business. All women.

This occurred to Daniel and me while we were getting ready to watch the latest installment of the Really Desperate Housewives of Orange County. The info described Lynne – who is that? – starting her own jewelry business. This is after Laurie fucked around until she found a man with enough money to fund her jewelry business. And one of the housewives in Atlanta used the money from her husband’s NFL career to start her jewelry business. Not unlike the woman who was at On the Border (or OTB as the cool kids call it) the other night we were eating there when BJs was backed up, hocking her shitty jewelry she had undoubtedly “designed” as part of her startup company.

This is the thing that bothers me. You don’t design jewelry. Stringing beads in different patterns on fishing line is not designing. Massive pieces of turquoise surrounded by coiled wire … how beautiful. And let me guess: it’s all custom-made.

It’s all shit. Sorry, ladies.

Now that some of you know your predisposition towards starting jewelry companies, maybe you can hope to avoid the inevitable. But it’s highly unlikely. Speaking of highly unlikely, I’ve decided what the Febrehabruarv challenge will be. Sometimes I supplement the test of my less-than-iron will with caffeine depravation, or protein depravation … or like the failed Master Cleanse of Febrehabruariv … with food depravation. But this time, it’s a dare. A double dare. A physical challenge!

I will run 100 miles in 28 days.

So let me clarify. We all know my arthritic ass (or knees, as it were) cannot run 1 mile let alone 100. So it is going to be on an elliptical machine. And it averages out to about 4 miles a day, which I’ve timed as taking about an hour. If I go every day and run for an hour on the elliptical machine, I will eventually earn myself a few days off. And therein, I think, lies the key to success. I really think I can do this. And now that it’s on SideshoViD.com it is official. Rawk!

Can I please tell you about my new favorite game -- Scene It? Seinfeld Edition. I'd been thinking about buying it ever since the first commercial came on TV, but I had no real reason to get up and go. Until one night when me and Keiff were sitting around drinking beers, bored, and I was like, yup, let's go to WalMart.

The reason this game is so fun is because its kind of like playing Trivial Pursuit. But instead of questions like, "In 1934, this Olympic curler became the first woman to win two silver medals," they have questions like, "What was Elaine referring to when she told Jerry, 'You can read the paper through the whole thing.'" And then you feel smart because during the hours each day that you could be reading and learning, expanding your mind and working toward the betterment of all of humanity, you're vegged out on the couch with a tempurpedic neck pillow watching syndicated episodes of Seinfeld you've already seen 12 times. Oh wait. Maybe that's just me.

Then again, the real reason I may like it so much is that I am currently undefeated. I'm not saying I'm undefeatable, because it's been real, real close a few times. But I always seem to luck out on the question for the win. The other night I was so desperate to play that I made Daniel play with me. Just the two of us. It wasn't really as much fun as it is with 3 or more. There's less of a penalty for getting something wrong because it'll just be your turn next anyway. But it was still pretty funny. The clips are all hilarious.

So if you're looking for a holiday party game this year, and you watch more TV 5pm-6pm and 10pm-11pm than any of your friends, I would highly recommend some Scene It? Seinfeld.

P.S. If this isn't the blog to display the Sidesho Seinfeld logo I made 8 years ago, I don't know what is.

Ever since I started back at work, it has quite literally been kicking my ass. Well, not literally. I hate it when people emphasize LITERALLY when they clearly mean figuratively ... like I just did. But it has literally been exhausting me mentally and physically. Instead of accomplishing anything while I was in Sydney for 2 weeks, they expended more energy on shifting around schedules to buy more time. So now I have just as much to do, only it's all 2 weeks behind schedule and stacked on top of each other. Pretty bullshit. It's Saturday morning now and I'm about to head out to a construction site. My feet hurt so bad from the boots I had to buy. And my right knee gave out yesterday and can no longer really support my body weight. There's a reason I'm good with computers and not football. I'm not cut out for this.

Luckily, I've figured out what I want to do with my life. I was watching Modern Marvels, as I so often do, and the subject was bread. And they talked about the best thing since sliced bread, etc. But at the end, they talked about the rise of the artisan bread makers. It's basically like owning your own brewery, crafting your own local varieties and stuff. But I just think it would be so awesome to open up an artisan bread making company here in Addison! Circle. That way it would always smell good like bread, and hopefully people would stop buying loafs of commercially produced bread and just drop by the neighborhood bakery every day for something fresh and delicious. I just need some start up capital, because I already have everything else planned out, including the name. I call my bakery "Yeast Infection."

I'm here all week.

After 3+ years of all talk, I am finally going to do it. I just booked my non-refundable 22 hour trip to the land of Oz. On August 14th, I will lift off from Dallas ... and on August 16th touch down in Sydney, Australia. I wonder what TV is like on the other side of the planet. I can't WAIT to find out. Do you think they have DVR? Do you think they call it DVR? Do you think it records backwards?! This is going to be so fun. Oh and I might hit up a wine tasting or a zoo or an opera house while I'm in the neighborhood. But best of all, I get to see my lovely friend, the Allistralian on her home turf. I will be gone for two weeks returning on August 27th. Best part of the flight home is I touch down almost before I take off. I will bring news from the future.

After booking my ticket, I was kind of on a roll. Like you do. So I went and ordered my KitchenAid copper stand mixer for my birthday. Really it's a birthday present from Daniel, but we used my credit card to get it. It's going to take a week to get here, but I really excited about it. I'm going to whip cream to stiff peaks.

Man, I'm more excited right now than Evan on American Gladiators. Rocket is the best Gladiator. And he's my friend on Facebook. I love TV.

We just went to listen to Salsa in the park here in our neighborhood. Turns out I really don't like salsa music. I had fun last week but the band was much better. Oh and I was waaha-hay-hay-hay-sted. So it was sounding good. Tonight I exited early. I basically woke up in time to go listen and it's hot and the band was terrible and I wanted I wanted to sit on the TV and watch beers. So I came home.

Oh, last bit of news. KaboomTown is next week. Everyone's invited. This year we will serve various skewered meats and vegetables. As well as skewered pound cake and strawberries to dip in chocolate. I call it ... Shish-Ka-Boom. You should come. And then the 6th is my birthday again. But this year it falls on a Sunday, so on Saturday July 5th, I am having a little gathering at a bar here in Addison! if you would like to join me. That would be awesome. Czech you all on the flip side.

I am eating my words right now. And that is all that I am eating. I said I wanted a Febrehab that would truly be a challenge for my iron will, and I've gotten it and then some. This is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Near starvation every waking hours. There's never a moment's respite from the screaming hunger. I was told it would eventually go away but my body is resisting the reprogramming. At this point, I am going to say I will never do the Master Cleanse ever again. I don't know how I'm going to make it for two weeks, because I am beyond miserable right now. Maybe like a regular rehab, day 3 is always the worst. Maybe tomorrow will tip the scales in my favor. I sure hope so. Although, even if I'm in pain and misery for two weeks, I still won't waver or cheat.

I am losing dangerous amounts of weight, even though the scales say I gained a little bit back today. Still, 5 pounds in one day hardly seems like a healthy amount. And I guess the cleanse itself is working. Since I haven't put solid matter into the equation in three days and I keep getting solid matter out, it stands to reason that it has been inside for some time. And I think it makes sense to flush it out every once in a while. So I'm feeling encouraged there.

My sense of smell is starting to become more acute. I'd read that I could expect it to be a heightened sense, but I don't really think I smell any better. I just think I zero in on food odors. Which is to be expected. I can smell and identify everything that is within noseshot of my cubicle all day long and it is just torture. I am craving cheap fast food Mexican at the moment with margaritas and cigarettes. This March party is going to be off the heazy. Even though March 1st I'll be in OK for my niece's birthday party. But when I get home, it's on. So be looking forward to that. I'm going to go lay on the couch, conserve calories, and wait for American Gladiator, brother.

Last night we were watching Planet Earth with RyanShort. He's only seen the BBC version narrated by John Hammond, and we've always told him how much better Sigourney Weaver is. I think it was Ice Worlds that we were watching and they were showing a hawk swooping in to kill some ptarmagin. I decided to relate to another episode where Sigourney refers to hawks as the fighter jets of the bird world. Only, I was going to jazz it up by saying, "Hawks are the F-16s of the bird world." Only, I actually said, "Hawks are the F150s of the bird world." I'm such a tard. So we had a good laugh and made lots of comments in our best Sigourney voices like, "With their four wheel drive and extended cabs, hawks truly are the F150s of the bird world."

Maybe my head was a little bit out of it due to the pumpkin pie martinis I attempted to make last night. We had one at the Bacarat Bar in Bellagio and it was so delicious that I asked the waitress what was in it and she said vanilla vodka, goldschlager, and pumpkin pie puree. So I combined all 3 and it was just terrible. So I added more vodka. When that didn't work, I added more pumpkin. When that didn't work, I added milk. By now things were way out of hand. I checked the recipe on the back of the can of pumpkin puree and you're supposed to add evaporated milk and sugar. Derrrr. We totally forgot to sweeten it. Turns out, pumpkin out of a can is pretty disgusting. I always thought you just spooned that into a pie crust and ate it. Someone should invent that. But of course, I was out of sugar, so I made some simple syrup out of brown sugar, ladeled in a few heaping scoops of the resulting liquid and then, the now full pitcher, held a delcious holiday concoction. Unfortunately it was way to thick and filling so we each sipped half a glass and washed the rest down the drain. But now that I know what I did wrong, i think I could make it again much better just by adding sugar from the get go.

In other news, I'm officially writing a cookbook. Not for the inevitable fame and fortune that comes with it, but because I want to be a guest judge on Iron Chef America. And as far as I know, writing a cookbook is the best and fastest way to get there. How hard could it be? If you've known me for a while, you should be able to guess the title. I can't post it here though because I don't want it to get stolen from me.

And finally, today, I think we'll close with a one-liner. My parents got their free slip-resistant covers for their Wii remotes, affectionately known as Wii condoms. But they only got two, so we have two with condoms, two without. Stephen asked me if I needed one with a condom, but I didn't, so I put the strap around my wrist and said, "You know what I always say. If you've got a strap on, you don't need a condom."

Good night everybody!

Last night I went to a work party. After eating some dinner and socializing for a few minutes, it was right up stairs to play Wii. I think the Wii will probably affect adult parties more than childrens. Bowling and tennis are just too much damn fun. I'm kind of surprised my Wii arm isn't sore. Good thing because that also happens to be my slots arm. I'm leaving for Vegas in a few hours, and I'm not going to lie to you. I'm feeling awfully slotty.

Real quick, though, I gotta tell you what's even better than the Wii. Rock Band. I think it's only out on the XBox 360, or at least it's not out on the Wii. I went to a Rock Band birthday party and we played all night. It is so much fun. There are vocals, guitar, bass guitar, and drums. And the drums are like a massive controller. And then it's just like Guitar Hero where you follow the little colored bars on the screen. Except the vocals, all you have to do with that is stay on pitch at the right time. I feel like such a loser because I've never liked video games before, save Tony Hawk, but now I find myself getting obsessed. Not obsessed enough to buy my own, that costs money, but totally into it, for sure.

Last bit of news, have you all heard that American Gladiators is coming back?! It's hosted by Hulk Hogan and Muhammad Ali's daughter. I think her name is Tatiana. You can go look at all the new gladiators if you google their website. My brother, Stephen, sent me the link and said his favorite one is Fury and I found myself agreeing. You just can't beat a pony tail coming straight up out of a grown woman's head. I was frankly a bit surprised that Wesley "Two Scoops" Barry didn't come back as a gladiator. Anyway, I decided that when I'm a gladiator my name will be Maui, an hommage to Malibu, the greatest gladiator of all time. Stephen said his name would be Laser Beam because he wouldn't be comfortable leaving it at just Laser. So your homework assignment is to leave a comment with your American Gladiator name and why.

If I don't win millions, I'll be back on Wednesday. Peace.

I have been working feverishly on my bar this week to make up for my weekend warrior frustrations. Tonight I took the drawers (that I fucking built) and attached them to the cabinetry with these badass $15 rails. That may not sound like a lot of money to you, but in the land of drawer slides, that is just about as good as it gets. The only thing nicer is those ones you slam but they automatically slow themselves down and shut quietly. Too bad they didn't sell them at Home Depot.

Speaking of Home Depot: Why is it that every time I'm in that fucking store I am like the only person in the store. I mean the ONLY person in the store. When I bought the plywood, I was looking for someone to tell me what kind of plywood to buy and to help me cut it in half. And I walked through every aisle of lumber. And then proceeded through every aisle in the store. When I'd made it all the way to flooring without seeing an orange apron, I went straight for the customer service desk. No one there! I'm like 97% sure they were open. That has been the consistent pattern with that store. Fuck them. I hate them. If you need something from Home Depot, just go to Lowe's, cause they'll say hi, ask you if you need help, help you find what you need, make suggestions, and load it in your car for you. Way better.

Where was I? Oh yeah... DRAWERS!

Can you believe it? These drawers are major. (If you haven't been watching Victoria Beckham's new reality show, you are truly missing out. I fucking love her. I am going to attempt to call everything in my life "major" from now on.) The drawers are 18"x21"x6". They are so deep and big that we've decided we're going to inlay some foam covered in velvet and shape it to hold the various items we had planned for the drawer space. A knife. A bottle opener. Um... maybe like a backup knife? Too much storage for sure. One could most definitely hold 3 emergency liquor bottles.

I never thought it would be shaping up this well this fast. If you look closely there are many, many construction mistakes to be seen. One reason I greyed out the background was to hide some rough edges. But that will all be invisible with the finishing tile work and trim. I am so excited. I will let you all know when the bar warming party is. Until then, keep cheering me on!

P.S. Today is my brother, Stephen's birthday. Happy Birthday, brother! This picture is your gift.

This past weekend, Daniel and I set about painting the master bedroom. We had originally thought that maybe we should just redo the bedroom I had in my old apartment since that was so badass. Toot! Toot! But what a horrendous waste of a opportunity that would be! Am I right? Ultimately, we decided to go with a variation on the theme of vertical stripes.

I'm really obsessed with Kenneth Brown. He's an interior designer who stars on reDesign. Every room he does turns out absolutely badass. He always puts this "spa-like feel" in every room and I wanted a piece of that. So I went a little bit out there and chose a nice soothing green for the walls. For the stripes, we masked off some that were much wider than my old ones. Then we painted them a light shade of yellow, let it dry, and painted this muddy matte brown on top. Before the brown dried, I scraped it off with a wire bristled brush to achieve a really cool fox finish. It's got great texture and almost ended up looking kind of safari. So we're gonna get some bamboo for the corner and maybe a zebra skin rug or something. We're still working out the details. Anywho, in the meantime, I wanted you all to see it. I hope this picture comes up okay on your screens cause it didn't look great on my camera, but it should give you a good idea.

The good news is, Katie came over to try on her dress and it fit her like a guhlove. It looked like I had measured her or had some semblance of an idea what I was doing -- neither of which are true. I need to finish putting in the zipper and then decide what to do with the length/hem and it's party ready. She said she actually likes it and I just decide to believe her because it makes me feel all tingly in my bathing suit area.

And there's no bad news. Sorry. Today I got home from work and was perusing my Addison! Circle newsletter and it had an advertisement for the Dream Cafe. It said it had lots of vegetarian and vegan menu options, so I wanted to try it. Oh, also, just fyi, I'm totally not a vegan anymore. I am still trying, but just failing more and more often. I eat cheese like every day, fish once or twice a week, and I've had a teeny bit of chicken twice. So I totally fell off the boat and can no longer in good conscience call myself a vegan, but I'm still trying. Gotta get in shape before the family Mexico trip because I'll have many people to impress.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Dream Cafe. Since it was a cardio day, I decided in lieu of our usual Circle bike ride, we should venture across the Tollway to try this place. It was kind of far away and we had to cross a major highway during rush hour, but other than that it was a pleasant ride. I enjoyed my black bean nachos (with cheese) and Daniel had some ahi tuna. And as we were commenting on how delicious the food was, the perfectly clear and sunny 85 degree skies turned black and a torrential downpour spilled forth from the heavens. Unphased, we asked for a plastic bag, but our belongings inside of it and headed home through the rain. It let up a little bit as we were riding and it was downright pleasant. Soaking, yes, but pleasant. So much so that as soon as we made it home, I coaxed Daniel into an extra lap around the circle. We were, like, the only people out. We figured anyone that saw us would just assume we were severely dedicated to our bike rides. I guess some percentage of that statement is true.

0%. What? Zero is a percentage.

And now here I am freshly showered, warmed up, dried off, and a little big miffed we missed Sanjina on American Idol. g*d, I hope he wins the whole thing. He's such a fucking train wreck. I think this weekend my friend Adam! may come lay out by the pool again like we did last weekend with many, many pitchers of freshly made pina coladas. Some of you should join. We had a blizzast. Have a good week, have-nots. Czech you on the flip siiiiiide.

I tried to post yesterday, but I guess Earthlink was having a problem with their servers. Everything on the internet worked except for my webpage. I blogged in Notepad so that I wouldn't lose the thought, but I didn't save it because I was just going to cut and paste it later when everything was working. Last night I was pretty sick so I stayed home and went to bed and then Daniel came home around 3. He hates the sound of the fan in my laptop so he turned my computer off before he got in bed. Long story short (which is pointless to say after you've already told the long story), I lost what I was going to say.

I do know that 95% of the reason I was blogging was to show you my St. Patrick's Day cake. I can't wait to win the lottery and go to culinary school and do shit like this all day long. It started off as a practice cake for Daniel's birthday cake next month, but as soon as I finished, realized the icing was green, and remembered it was St. Patty's Day, I dressed it up with the yellow. Thank g*d I have cake decorating materials on hand at all times. The best part is, the reason the icing is green IS BECAUSE IT'S MADE FROM AVOCADOS. Have you ever heard of anything so crazy? If you watch Alton Brown you have. I have to say, it is curiously delicious. It's light and fresh and citrusy with the lemon juice and orange extract I added. I think it will be a big hit. If you want to try it, you'd better hurry over before Daniel devours the whole thing. He's quite the cake-eater.

I hope everybody had a lovely St. Patrick's Day filled with green beer and devoid of green hangovers. Laaaaaaaaate.

My wine fridge fit almost perfectly under the "bar" area in my living room. It couldn't have been any better if it were custom built. However, the depth was an issue. It had about a 6" overhang. It wasn't a big deal, since that isn't a high traffic area, but still, I thought maybe I could do a little better. I have these built in shelves recessed into a corner of my living room. They occupy the perfect little nook. I think I've shown you a picture of them before when I debuted my Beethoven bust. The only problem was that the bottom shelf would need to be removed.

Let me preface this by saying I'd been laying on the couch watching home improvement shows all day, which sadly, always inspires me to do something to my own apartment. Usually it's painting, but today it was demolition. I got out my biggest hammer and started swinging upward as hard I could. All I really accomplished was some noise pollution. I was on the verge of just giving up when I had an idea.

I ran down to the garage to the trunk of my car and retrieved my jack. I figured if it could hold up my car, it could certainly exert enough force to pry off a book shelf. And I was right. I jacked the shit out of that thing, bending nails and removing them from the framework. It was brilliant. After I finished destroying the shelf, I painted the exposed wall red to match the rest and the results are perfect. You'd never know there was a shelf there to begin with. I popped in the wine fridge and it looks like it was always meant to be there. So excited.

That's all I really had to tell you. I'm leaving tomorrow for Seattle so it depends on how busy I am how much I'll update. This time I have Stuart's phone number so we're hopefully going to hang out a lot. Oh! And yesterday I was walking into my building and ran into Grande. He fuckin' moved into my building just down the stairs from me. So welcome to the neighborhood, friend. Sorry I am leaving for two weeks right when you got here but we'll have a house warming when I get back.

Peace out, have-nots.

Whew. Thank g*d that is over! No, I'm not talking about the holidaze; I'm talking about the plague I came through this week. On Xmas night, I went with Ryan Short to have a few beers, came home, went to bed nearly sober. I woke up about an hour later and the onslaught of vomit, et. al., began. It lasted well into the morning where I found myself so dehydrated and so weak I was unable to hold myself up to throw up anymore, so I just kind of rested my head on the toilet seat and then slumped to the ground.

Something similar happened to me once in college and I ended up getting carted out of the dorm on a stretcher and into an ambulance. So I figured that might be a good idea again. But my insurance company has a 24 hour nurse hotline that I'm in the habit of calling before going to the ER, because that shit's expensive. The nurse wasn't too concerned with my symptoms and taught me how to rehydrate myself without enducing more vomit. I wanted to share it with you all. If you throw up, you should wait an hour before you attempt to eat or drink anything. Then after one hour you can begin to drink one ounce of water every 20 minutes. I did that, threw up one more time, tried it again, and it finally worked.

So there I was at 8 in the morning, freezing cold, sweating, shaking, my lips are dry and my stomach is tumbling, holding onto a shot glass filled with tap water watching the clock waiting for the next time that I can start sipping my meager nourishment again. It sucked so bad.

But, 16 hours later, I had progressed to crackers, and 24 hours later, I was basically fine. Still, it was awful. But at least the next time it happens I'll know what to do.

Other than that Xmas was good. Lots of little kids. Five total nieces and nephews this year. It's a far cry from the adult-only Xmases of yesteryear where everything was accompanied by a glass of scotch. But it was fun to convince a toddler that a fat man with a sack of toys climbed down the chimney while she was taking a nap. I've never really gotten to do that.

I got a wine fridge for Xmas. My brother Michael from California got it for me. It holds 28 bottles! I'm trying to figure out the best way to stock it. I might just buy a case of my favorite wine and then fill in the rest a few bottles at a time. But shit, 28 bottles is a lot. So if you want to bring me some wine, feel free, I have plenty of real estate.

In other news, Daniel has been in California for a long time now. He met up with his old baby sitter while he was there (he grew up there). She is now married to the brother of the mom from Mr. Belvedere! I'm not sure how that fact came to light, but it's true. Beeeoooowwwwww Streaks on the china! He said they're going to try to get me an autographed picture from her. I would truly cherish it. He also said they're going to give her my webpage address so she can see my Mr. Belvedere montage. That would rule. So if you're her, then welcome! I'm a huge fan. And we just might live the good life yet!

Daniel's lil sister let us borrow one disc of the latest season of Family Guy. We couldn't help but watch the entire thing last night. On one episode Stewie is getting annoyed because people keep talking while he's trying to watch Mr. Belvedere. So he starts screaming the theme song on top of them. Way funny. But I remarked to Daniel, "How many people on Earth know the Mr. Belvedere theme song well enough to make that joke?" You can be sure it's a minority ... a minority I must be a part of. So we went to YouTube. g*d bless YouTube. Of course they had it. And now, for your viewing pleasure ... the first YouTube I've ever posted on my blog:

I need you all to watch it because you can't hang out with Daniel and I right now without being able to laugh when one of us imitates the trombone intro and we start singing, "Streaks on the china ... never mattered before. Who cares? Drop kick your jacket as you came through the door. No one's there! According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival and we just might live the good life yet." Hilarious. As if people who can afford a fucking fat, sassy British live-in butler haven't quite gotten to experience the good life yet.

When I was trying to find the Mr. Belvedere theme, I was thinking all I could remember is that there was a montage of photos for each cast member. So I'm going to try and recreate it for myself.

Oh man, I'm awesome. Lastly, I just have to mention the SNL sketch where they had a support group for people who were in love with Mr. Belvedere. Only they called him Brocktoon or something like that so that other people outside of the club wouldn't know they were talking about Mr. Belvedere. Holy shit, I never thought my life would be so inundated with a crappy 80's sitcom starring Bob Uecker for xrist's sake. Oh well, you should all be so lucky.

I like to think of myself as an aspirer. There's nothing I really excel at, but there are many, many things I am aspiring to be. Just one of those, as you may know, is a MythBuster. Although I do feel the need to recall my Brita water filter vodka experiment and mention that I did that before the MythBusters did.

Anywho, let me tell you about my latest experiment. This one is based on the episode where they test the absolutely retarded idea that burying beer in the sand, dousing it with gasoline, and lighting it on fire will cool the beer down ... as fire tends to do to things. They obviously busted this myth, but then set about finding out the fastest way to cool down a six pack. Keith can tell you that the fastest way to do so is in a cooler full of ice and salt water. You can bring the temperature of the salt water down to around 25 degrees Fahrenheit, envelop the can in the sub-freezing liquid, and a few minutes later, you've got a frosty cold beer. I've used this a few times in a pinch when the only available case of Kers Lat (or Miller when I'm at Lesbie's) is off the shelf. But it requires a sink, all the ice in the ice maker, and the remainder of salt in the house. Could this be improved?

Hypothesis: If I could get a saline solution with enough salt that it wouldn't freeze solid in the freezer, I could have instant beer cooling liquid on hand at all times. Plop a beer in for 30 seconds, rinse and drink. It should be fast enough that I don't mind doing it one beer at a time.

Research: Now, I do all of my research on the internet from uncertified websites, so if you see any flaws here, please let me know. What I read tells me that the average freezer is set at 0 degrees Fahrenheit ... well below water's freezing point. At first I thought it might be too cold at any salinity. But, another website suggested that when water reaches saturation of salt, the freezing point can be lowered to around -6 degrees Fahrenheit. So, it's probable that if I pour a shit ton of salt into a bowl of water and place it in the freezer, it will still be a liquid in the morning. A super chilled beer frosting liquid.

I was surprised how much salt the water could handle. You wouldn't expect me to be surprised since in the sixth grade I took second place in the science fair with, "Which Liquid Can Hold the Most Salt?" I received glowing comments like, "Why?" No reason, bitch, I was just fucking curious. g*d! Oh well, it was much better than my brother's, "Does Fertilizer Help Plants Grow?" Turns out it does. Anyway, it took about half a can of salt, but I wanted to make absolutely sure that it was saturated and had a few crystals left over that it couldn't absorb. And now, we wait.

I'll keep you all posted on my progress.

I don't think I would even attempt this blog were it not for the raging hangover I am weathering at the moment. Sometimes it clouds my judgement. I am going to try to explain to you all why twice yesterday I almost wet myself laughing on separate occasions, but I fear the "I guess you had to be there." Alas, onward and upward let's start the show.

The first time I laughed, I was sitting on my couch watching TV with my dear friend JennyCole. Incidentally, JennyCole is concerned that whenever I mention her on my website, it's usually combined with some kind of rip on Mormons -- because they're all fucking retarded -- but this time I wanted it to be different. I want you all to know that JennyCole is cool man, yeah. So okay, we're on the couch and that new Campbell's soup commercial comes on. It goes, "Campbells, mmm mmm good... possibilities!" And it shows some douchebag dipping a grilled cheese sandwich into their tomato soup. When the commercial was over, Jenny was all, "Really... just how many possibilities are there... it's soup." And we started laughing and singing, "Crumble a cracker on top, um, or you could just dip in bread. Possibilities!" But also you have to imagine some guy in a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, pencil in his mouth, plinking away at the piano. He's just come up with the perfect tune and chorus and is now desperately trying to come up with some possibilities for soup. Punctuate the day with random bursts of "Campbells! Mmm! Mmm! good... possibilities!" and you've got instant funny.

The next time I laughed hysterically was after Thommi and I got back from S4. Oh yeah, Thommi's here, but I'll talk about that another time. I'm not sure if he's lied to anybody and I'm not supposed to mention he's here. Anyway, Daniel and I were relating a story about something we'd chuckled about the other day, but this time it was g*d diddly damn hilarious. His mother loves this wine called Conundrum. It's kind of sweet for my taste, but certainly tasty, you should try it. The reason it's called Conundrum is because the flavors within are hard to discern. And the slogan is, "Puzzling, yet satisfying." I'm not sure if that's actually the slogan or if Daniel made that up. So then we embellished it to, "Puzzling, yet satisfying ... like a toe in the twat." Because that's the only thing we could think of that was both puzzling and satisfying. Now for this one you have to imagine a black and white CK type commercial with a woman in bed. There's a man sleeping head-to-toe with her. First her face is startled, then horrified, then utterly confused, then a huge satisfied smile. Conundrum. Like a toe in the twat.

I swear to fucking xrist, I should be in marketing. Speaking of jebus, there are these xmas cards I want at Urban Outfitters. It has a picture of jebus on the front gathering the children around him and he's saying, "Happy Birthday to me!" and then on the back they say, "Merry Christmas to you!" So cute.

Okay, I'm going to join the recovery sleep fest again. If you didn't think this blog was funny, then you obviously just didn't get it. Laaaaaaaaaaaaate.

If you haven't ever seen Dave Chapelle's Block Party, I suggest you go rent it immediately and bask in it. Just bask. I rented it last night when Blockbuster didn't have Stangers with Candy (so lame). So now I'm sitting home alone with a bottle of Patrón chilling in the freezer thoroughly enjoying myself. I got dressed up for no reason, fried some dinner in butter and life is good.

I remember the first time I saw Block Party. It was when the ever lovely Miss Lesbie Ann Bizzell was in my hizzell and we wanted a drizzell in the mornizzle, like you do. After drinking breakfast at the Gecko we went to Studio Movie Grill and laughed our asses off at this movie in between martinays. Loves it.

On Monday I have to get up at 4am. I have a 6am flight to Manassas, VA. Well, there's no airport in Manassas, obviously, but it is right near Washingtown, DC. I have to be there for a week with work. I would be lying if I didn't say I was looking forward to it. I've gotten in a rut lately, if you haven't noticed. I hardly ever leave my apartment. I never go anywhere or do anything. That is one downfall to dating. You just get comfortable and stop trying to look around for fun things to do. So now I'm going to Manassas. If I weren't dating Daniel then I'd say I looked forward to getting some asses in Manassas, but it's just a tag line now.

I got my sister's name in our annual xmas gift exchange. She's a 30-something news anchor, soon-to-be-mother of two with a brand new house. Give me gift ideas. I am not having any ideas pop into my head.

Like I said, not too many hilarious stories to tell from the couch unless you want me to recount my favorite episodes of Family Guy.... No? Then FUCK YOU. I'm out. Peace.

The other night I got Daniel a popsicle. He said, "What flavor is it?" to which I replied, "Purple." "No, what flavor?" as if I am some kind of fucktard and didn't hear him. Back me up on this, but purple is most definitely a flavor. In fact, I think this is so common that even this joke is recycled.

Man, what the fuck is juice? I want some drink.

I spent the afternoon layin around watching TV. I saw this show about lottery winners and how their lives had changed since winning. It kind of made me want to win the lottery. So when I went to pay my rent, I stopped off and got 3 quickpicks. I should have 15 million dollars on Tuesday. I've decided that if I do win, I will most definitely post it on my website, even though they say you shouldn't tell anybody. But I'll also tell you up front, none of you are getting a fucking dime, so don't even ask. I'm not gonna be one of those people who doesn't change. When they interview people about me you're all going to say, "Oh he's completely changed. He used to be a nice guy but now all he does is fan himself with $100s and laugh." Yeah, it's going to be sweet.

Some of the advice these brilliant lottery winners gave was to play the lottery as often as you possibly can, and make sure you don't take the lump sum. RE-tards. One poor woman who won $91 million played the lottery every week for 18 years. And while I can hardly tell her she's an idiot since she has $90.9998 million more than me, I can tell you she probably wouldn't have been as poor if she was making smarter decisions with her money than that. And that goober who didn't take the lump some will get 200k for the next 26 years, at the end of which he'll probably have nothing. Idiots.

I'm going to do it right, though. I intend to spend my 15 million within the first 6 months. Rawk!

So Thursday was my birthday. I was pretty vigilant with my vow after last year's debacle to not make a big deal about it. Thanks to everyone who remembered and sent me a message or called. I worked on my birthday but took this Friday off because I was pretty sure I was gonna be drunk.

I decided that all I really wanted to do was sit on the TV and watch some beers. So when I got home from work, I tidied up a bit, cooked a frozen pizza and got down to drinking. Brett Sabulous had kept his plans tentative just in case I was doing something, and decided to come join me in my quest. So we sat on the TV together and watched a lot of beers. When Daniel got home, we moved the party down there and continued drinking. It was so much fun. So low key. So much more my speed.

Daniel got me a really nice Bulova wall clock for over my TV. That brings my clock total to 6 now. That's almost one clock per 100 square feet of my apartment. I am obsessed with knowing what time it is. This is the only nice clock I have though. It looks pretty smart over my new TV stand. I need to hang it just a smidge higher but I couldn't reach, so it's temporary now. Brett got me a gift certificate to Face, this men's salon in uptown. I'd never heard of it but their menu was quite impressive. I'm going to go get a real shave. I have ALWAYS wanted to do that. Hot towels, hot lathers, straight bladed razors. Omg, I can't wait. My parents got me a month of yoga. I really want to try out this place called Dahn Yoga over on Beltline. I don't know what brain respiration is but I'm soon going to find out.

So everything went just swimmingly this year. Unfortunately, speaking of swimmingly, Tuna is in bad shape. He's been really lethargic lately, so this morning I got online and researched his condition. He is showing every symptom of disease. I am going to get a heater for his tank since the temperature should be between 74 and 78 degress Fahrenheit, and if you've ever been to my refrigerated apartment, you know it's always colder than that. I'm about to quarantine him, clean his tank, and see if we can't revive him. But he's 2 years and 3 months old now, so I'm not sure how much longer he'll be with us. I'll keep you updated on his condition. Remember him in your prayers to Chuck Norris. Peace out, have-nots.

It's great to be back. I gotta tell you. Boy, I missed beer. And liquor. Liquor? I hardly even know her. My glorious return to drinking was shared with a couple of birthdays. First, to the Allistralian. She flew halfway around the world and I had to fuckin miss her bbq. I was stuck in Funkytown until like 7:30pm for work, and then by the time I arrived back at the office, I already had some friends from out of town waiting for me. So my apologies, but I do hope you had the best birthday ever.

Next, was Miss Lesbie Ann. She drove up from Austin to celebrate turning into 27. Oh wait, I mean, turning 27, my mistake. She had been to Dallas plenty of times, but she had never been to Addison! I assumed I would have to show her all that Addison! had to offer, but instead, she showed me ....

Friday night we sat around drinkin beers like I do most weekends. I wanted her to meet everyone and see how we do. Saturday morning we woke up and went to Cafe Gecko for Bloody Marys and breakfast (since when are those different things). From there, we went and bought tickets for Dave Chappelle's Block Party. Really, we just wanted to drink more and figured a movie without a solid plot might allow for breaks to the bathroom. A few margaritas and martinis later we retired for a respite in my apartment until it was time for our appointments at the spa. Unfortunately, they couldn't find anyone to massage me on such short notice, but Lester did have a diamond scrub facial with allllll the trimmings. I met her at Zen Bar to celebrate and we threw back a few brewskis, brah. Then we met up with Daniel to go to Shuck and Jive where we ate more oysters than you would normally assume three people would eat and drank a lot more brews, dude. Our plans to get fancied up and go south of 635 were interrupted by our inability to drive. So we wrapped up the evening drinking at Daniel's until we both passed out. What a fabulous weekend. Thank you so much to my host, Leslie!

Last bit of business. Who watched Project Runway? Who else is incensed at the finale? Chloe?!?! Give me a fucking break. Her collection was a bunch of shiny GEM monstrocities. I thought they were going to tear her a new one. I was a Dan Fan through the whole season but had just recently switched to voting for Santino. I wasn't blown away by any one collection, but I thought that Santino would win. Daniel's was too plain Jane store shelf looking. I don't wanna look at anything too conceptual but I also don't want to look at something I probably could have thought of. Blech, what a disappointment. I can't wait until Jay McCarroll's line comes out. I'm gonna wear the shit out of it.

This weekend. Out of town. Niece's 1st birthday in OKC. Can't wait. See you all when I get back.

Two weeks later, I have finally arrived back home. Getting from Cincinnati to Austin was an ordeal. It took right around 12 hours total. First my plane from Cincinnati to Chicago was delayed by the hurricane. When it finally arrived, we were delayed by a problem at O'Hare. By the time I got to Chicago, my connecting flight was long gone. My new flight was then canceled and I ended up getting to Austin-Bergstrom at 1am. A long cab ride later I was finally at Leslie's.

Leslie's apt was low-key and fun. We sat around drinkin' wine and brewskis and watching Food Network and Napoleon Dynamite. Leslie just bought a house! Yay! Her housewarming party should be sometime around October and I cannot wait. We drove by the house and it is too cute. Even though the street name is dirrty.

I drove back to Dallas today and finally got to see my buddy, Tuna. I'm a little disconcerted by the fact that he no longer has a tail fin. I'm not sure what happened there, but he is a uniplegic now. Poor guy. He is not in a good mood. Thanks to Mr. Kenderdine for taking such doting care of my fish.

I went and had coffee with Mikey since he's staying up in Plano while he interviews here in Dallas. Good times, good times. Alright, I gotta go to bed, but I wanted to let you all know that I made it back alive. I'm not really looking forward to returning to work tomorrow, but I'm going to the sleep clinic tomorrow night, so I have something to look forward to. Here's to my last night of apnea ridden sleep. Huzzah!

This weekend I went to my first, only, and therefore best, bachelorette party ever. Miss AllieD is getting married in August and came up to Dallas where her maid-of-honor lives to celebrate. It was only natural that she invite me to join. I was rather surprised at how many people were incensed by the fact that I was attending a bachelorette party. Hello? Welcome to 2005. We are adults and we can do whatever the fuck we want.

The night started off with some wine and some Asshole. I was the President the entire time because I rule. Plus, it was kind of my first time in recent memory to play the game, so AllieD gave me some advice that was GOLD, Jerry, GOLD! After that, AllieD, Kelley, Jennifer, Ann Marie and I drove down to Monica's in Deep Ellum. At first, I wasn't too fond of the place. They had a live band playing, but the band was playing SO loud that all conversation was rendered useless. You could sit, eat chips, and smile at each other, that was about it. Then they started up the congo line. If you joined the congo line, as you passed by the front door, they grabbed your head and poured tequila into your mouth. Good tequila. That changed my opinion but quick! Shit, I wouldn't mind prison if they came by periodically while I was digging ditches and poured tequila in my mouth.

From there, it was on to Station 4 for the drag show. Pretty clever, eh? Having a bachelorette party at a gay club. Wrong! There were no less than 6 wedding parties there. So many, in fact, that all the brides-to-be were invited on stage and asked inappropriate questions. AllieD was quite entertaining, though I won't divulge the dirty little secrets she revealed on stage. *WINK*

It really was fun though. I haven't gotten drunk with AllieD in 4eva. The wedding in August should be even more fun. It's in Austin so I'm taking B-randon with me. Before I go, you may be worrying yourself over why I'm blogging at 2pm. No, I didn't get fired yet. My humidifier is coming today, so I'm home to accept the package, and I'm working from home, quote-unquote. I am watching Trigger Happy TV and laughing my ass off. This lady is dressed like a waitress and walking around the city asking people if they want fresh ground pepper. Trust me, it's hilarious. Peace.

UPDATE: My humidifer came and it is FUCKING BROKEN! The fan inside is all effed up and I plugged it in without noticing. A few minutes later, I smelled something acrid, so I went and checked on it and found it billowing smoke. I don't have a hollow hexagonal screw driver to open the thing up, so I'm going to have to ship it back and then wait for another one. FUUUUUUUUUUCCCKCKKKKKCKCCKC!!!!1!

My mom is in the process of cleaning out the upstairs of her house. This involves giving me boat loads of crap from my past every time she sees me. The other day I became the proud owner of a stack of old papers written by yours truly, the greatest writer ever. Actually, some of it is pretty bad, as you might expect from a 3rd to an 8th grader, but I just came across something that absolutely cracked me up.

I found my stunning epic novel entitled John and the Little People. I wrote it in the third grade and it is bound and fully illustrated -- pretty pimp. The funny thing is that this story perfectly parallels Gulliver's Travels. In fact, I vividly remember plagerizing what I did not know at the time was one of the most well known stories ever told. Why nobody ever called me out on it, I will never know. It's hardly the lesson to teach an 8 year old that blatant copying will go unpunished. My favorite sentence in the whole book:

"He soon found out that he wasn't paralyzed; he was tied down by tiny, strong cords!"

Ha! I used a semi-colon in the 3rd damn grade. Half of you skeezes couldn't do that now.

My report on The Killer Angels from 8th grade was lackluster, to say the least, even though Wenger gave me a 94 ... something I don't recall happening all that often. My poetic skillz back in '91 leave a lot to be desired. I know my pen pal letter to a kid in Columbia was a written assignment, but why I chose to tell him that I watch Hometime every day after school and my favorite episode is the one where they put up tile-backer is beyond me.

The other strange thing is the papers written about my brother, Stephen. There are many. I have one nicely typed biography of him that details his philanthropic misadventures that ends, "The less fortunate and the well-to-do have both benefitted from him, even if I never have." Another paper details how he always has the remote control. One annoying thing he does is taking control of the TV. The first words out of his mouth when we get home are, "I get control!" He then flips though all 99 channels. Of course, we only have less than 60. Then he goes to the B channels. He stops on stuff like church preachers and faith healers. Then we have to watch channel 12B. It is the twenty-four hour fish network. It shows different fish tanks and changes every 15 minutes. We always have to see it change. Then he goes back to A channels to 3. USA has Night Rider on twice in a row after school. That's OK but it takes us 15 minutes to get there. They never should have let me pass 8th grade. I turned this shit in!

I am laughing my ballz off at this stuff. One more description (moreso for my brother than any of you) and then I'm done. The last paper I failed. It was supposed to be a compare/contrast but all I do is slam Stephen throughout it. Because he's 16, he can drive. My parents take advantage of that and make him pick me up from school. He has the loudest, highest pitched, most annoying horn ever. He loves to lay it on when he gets me at the corner. People inside Wilson can hear it. At Christmas, he would play the first seven notes of Jingle Bells. I yell at him every day and then he hits me. I go on to explain that I cannot hit him back since he's driving. Even though most of the time, I remember doing the steering. He thinks he knows everything because he is in the eleventh grade. He always tries to give me advice on things I don't need advice on. I know when next year comes, he is going to want to help me pick classes. Hahaha.

Then I contrast that with how we like the same TV shows, again mentioning Hometime. Then: We like to play baseball in our backyard. We play with a whiffle bat and tennis balls. We have about 120 tennis balls because my mom takes rejects from Plano Tennis Organization or something. We hit them over the neighbors' fence and the husband gets peeved at us. Homerun Derby was always so much fun. My favorite line from the paper is, "I don't like him to think he's all bad because he's taller than me." Who writes like that on an English paper? Well, I mean, I do ... I guess I did all the way through college. Now check out this conclusion: I guess having an older brother with you through life isn't all that bad. I might even miss him when he kicks the bucket. I'll be old by then and probably senile so I won't even know or care, come to think of it.

Shazzam! I hope some of you might have found some amusement in that. I am going to see Stephen on Saturday morning. Sunday is my niece Kaylyn's 1st birthday and she is hosting a kegger. It should be really fun. I got her ultra cute presents. Alright, literature lovers, it is time for me to retire.

I decided to stay home tonight for a couple different reasons. First, I just had such a riotous time on Wednesday that I wasn't exactly itching to go out on Friday. Secondly, I'm broke as a joke. I had to take money out of the untouchable savings this pay period to last me until the next. Don't worry though, I've already scheduled to have it automatically repay the amount that I borrowed. So I sat home and watched TV and nestled down with a big bottle of wine... the worst wine I have ever tasted. I am now on my third glass and it is still nearly unbearable.

The show of the night was Will & Grace. It was the episode where they've lost their ho-mojo and can no longer dominate game night with their friends. It reminded me so much of when Ryan and Todd and I would host Pictionary nights at the Green Monster and how much I fucking rule at Pictionary and I felt obliged to share this with you all.

I have one prime example for you all that I will never forget. It was when Fucking Frank was my partner and we were a good half of the board ahead of everyone else. We were unstoppable ... why, I may never understand. We had a sixth, or maybe even a seventh, sense about the clues. This particular round was an All-Play. That means that every team was drawing the same clue trying to win control of the board. I wasn't too concerned since we were the champions of All-Play, but this was really stumping everybody else. They were drawing things like I've demonstrated thus far. People were guessing frantically -- everything from "jailbird" to "Nike." Frank took his time, and I sat silently waiting for him to finish his drawing. (If this story seems drawn out its mostly because I have to put enough words in between the pictures to space them out.) Anyway, it wasn't long before he drew this:

And I immediately guessed, "The Fugitive!" after which we high fived and rolled the dice. It's ridiculous how good I am at Pictionary.

I was just talking to Allistralian and I remembered a story I totally forgot to tell you all. I was sitting in a hotel room in Oshkosh, WI watching TV with my mom, my brother-in-law Bryan, and sister-in-law Krouton. There was nothing particularly good on (except the old school Saturday Night Live hosted by Pee Wee Hermann with musical guest some-crappy-zydeco-band) so we were flipping. As my mom breezed by TLC, I saw the logo for Sheer Dallas and made her stop.

As I explained the premise of the show, they announced that the stylists were going to pair up for a big hair contest. It was a radio announcement I knew all too well, since I was in Pompeo, the salon, when it happened. I mentioned that this was where I got my hair done, although I refused to tell my mother just how much my haircut had actually cost. About halfway through the show, I said, "Hey, there's Xristopher, my stylist!" And a few seconds later ... you guessed it! ... BAM, a full head shot of yours truly. I was on TLC for 3 glorious seconds, sitting in a chair with a head full of foil. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. If anybody else happened to witness the blessed event, do be sure to let me know.

Next order of business, I went and saw Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith tonight. I was gonna put it on my movie reviews, but I thought it was deserving of blog status. This movie was so badass. If you're a Star Wars fan at all, you're going to love it. If not, you'll still probably love it. There were so many badass elements to it, but my favorite was at the end. Before you whine and bitch, we all know what happens at the end, so I'm not ruining the movie. That'd be like me telling you the Titanic sinks. But when Darth Vader walks into the ship with the Emperor, they made it look exactly like Episode IV. They didn't revamp it at all. All the computers had ridiculously large, square LEDs that serve no purpose and all the dudes in there were wearing the old skool military uniforms. Love it. Go see it and let me know what you think.

To tie it all together, I think on my next haircut, scheduled for sometime in late June, I might go towards the dark side.

BUM BUM BUM BUMBA DUM BUMBA DUM

I can only assume I did not win the HGTV Dream Home. Alas. To console myself, I decided to beautify my own little space just a little bit. As you all know, I've been collecting wine bottles for some time now with this grand idea in my little head about how I would arrange them fabulously atop my kitchen cabinets. Today, I got the last two bottles I needed, and the gumption to git'erdone.

What do you think? Say nice things about it. And by "nice things" I don't mean "bitchy things followed by less-than-threes." I spent my entire afternoon and evening putting together my new decorations. I must say thank you, thank you, thank you to Ryan Short for helping me buy those little pewter-inlayed shelves with my Pier 1 gift certificate he got me for x-mas. It just wouldn't have pulled together with out it.

Since I had my camera out, I took a quick pic of Tuna's new tank that I told you all about. It's just a little bit more sophistocated, a little bit more Tuna's taste. He was always a little bit patronized by the rainbow castle, so I could see his sigh of relief when I inserted this shroom-tastic rock. Literally. Little sigh bubbles. Then we high-fived.

I watched a really long special tonight on Prader-Willi Syndrome. It's this biological disorder where your brain will never tell you that you are full. In fact, you are in a state of constant starvation, not only mentally, but your body acts accordingly. It would be like if you were stuck on an island for 2 weeks starving and then someone walked by with a steak. You'd do anything to get that steak. That's how these people are every minute of every day. Can you imagine? This dude was like 400 lbs and he JUST got done eating and said that he was doing everything he could to not immediately eat again.

I don't know why I felt inclined to share that. I just thought it was fascinating. I rounded out the evening watching MRIs of people doing the dirrty on Discovery, and everything you never cared to know about booze on the History Channel. Best St. Patricia's Day EVER!1!!!

My new niece could not have been cuter. She is so, so tiny. She has a full head of hair that is probably the softest thing I have ever felt. I got her a green outfit for her birthday because I didn't want her to get pinched next Thursday. She's just a baby, for g*d's sake. It's not nice to pinch babies. She's too young for beer, but maybe my sis will be festive and feed her green breast milk.

That was gross, sorry. Not much else of note going on over here. I'm counting the days until Sweden just trying not to get fired before then. Tomorrow is the day Home and Garden will call me and let me know that I've won this years 3.5 million dollar dream home in Tyler, TX, along with the new Chevy Denali (sp?) and the $250,000 in cash. I can't wait to move in. I mean I entered like 10 times, so I'm a total shoo-in.

This'll be like the time I won an enormous stuffed animal from the dentist named Kiki. One time, I said to my brother, "Let's play beat the Kiki! I get the stick!" and took one swing at the enormous koala bear with the dowel rod we used to protect us from someone opening our bedroom window. One swing and the eye broke in half and rolled away. I was so upset. I didn't hit a baseball in 4 seasons, but I can crack an eyeball with a dowel rod in one try.

Why is it that tomorrow is spelled t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w but I abbreviate it as "tomm?"

I think I've decided to get a tattoo. Which I probably shouldn't tell you all because my brother will read and tell my mother and she will go absolutely ape-shit. But as of yet, I don't know what I want or where. So I'll entertain your suggestions, as long as your suggestions entertain me.

Thanks for all the great comments on my new layout, bitches! *makes masturbatorial motion*

If there's anything I like more than getting vacation days from work, it's making my own vacation days. Like right now, for instance. I'm totally supposed to be at work, but I'm not. Nor do I intend to go back any time soon. You see, I woke up around 9, on account that I had a lot to drink last night. And since I wasn't at my own apartment, I was significantly tardy to work, but I brought kolaches so nobody cared. Then I took a nap, and when I woke up, I realized that I was sick of being there, so I came home. Get an education, kids, and you too can live this fabulous lifestyle.

I've watched some good ass TV today. First I watched that episode of Saved By The Bell where they drink at the toga party and then Zach wrecks Lisa's mom's car. It was really hard hitting. Zach keeps his cell phone in his locker because it's too effing huge to carry it with him. Now I'm watching Jerry Springer: "MY UNCLE STOLE MY WIFE!" It's fantastic. This is what my life has come to. I am going to go back to work eventually, though, so don't worry.

On the way home today, I saw a tricked out Cavalier. A straight up, tricked out, pimped out Chevrolet Cavalier! It was so fucking sweet. It had flames down the side and shit. I am way jealous. After I get back from Australia and have all new furniture, I am so going to mod my Cavy.

This week is absolutely dragging by. There is so little to do at work that I'm basically going to put 40 hours this week on the overhead account. No managers are there, so I just kinda sit and stare at the wall. Good thing I learned how to do this effectively during my first couple months here. I hope every one of my readers is having as big of an impact on the world as me. Laaaaaaaaaate.

I have spent the morning watching X-Men cartoons and Full House re-runs. Does life get any better than this? I'm starting to wonder. My apartment is badass. There is still a lot to do in the way of putting stuff away and decorating and buying a few pieces of furniture, but it is more than adequate in its present state. I love the neighborhood that I live in. Faux-Euro ... what could be more me? The bars within walking distance are great. I went to one called the Velvet Hookah the other night and drank halfpriced martinis and smoked cantaloupe flavored tobacco from a hose.

The job is starting to go really well. After 4 months of pushing the rules, I am almost satisfied with my position. You're not allowed to have facial hair. Your hair cannot fall past your collar, because you're supposed to wear a collar every day. Your retracto-ID badge must be visible at all times. The work day starts at 8am and ends at 5pm with a 1 hour lunch. Well those are the rules that apply to everyone else anyway. The other day I was so hungover from the Velvet Hookah that I left work at 9:30, went home and got in bed. I woke up about 3 hours later feeling much better and went back to work after grabbing some lunch. Nobody even noticed. I am the worst employee ever.

I was afraid that my Grammar Cop section was going to have to end because I've quoted the whole of Dennis DiClaudio's website and was out of material. Fear not, kiddos. I just bought a book the other day called Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation. It's got a picture of a panda bear erasing the comma in the title. Get it? I love this book. Look for hilarious quotes to pop up in the future.

And the final bit of news. I need your opinion on this. In the past month I have heard on a very regular basis that I look like Beck. I have heard it more and more since I've been growing my hair out. I also get David Spade a lot, and since someone told me that last night, it was fresh on the brain. Whadya think? Any similarities? Later, Nerdbombers.

A limerick by my wonderfully creative and observant friend Justin Brantley:

An Aggie named David was near
to the end of his college career.
He grew quite impatient from sleep deprivation,
and decided, at last, to cashier.

In other news, several of you have expressed your disappointment in my absence as of late. Oh okay, fine, I'm lying. Not one person has missed me. But during those long hours, I sit back, close my eyes, and imagine loyal Sidesho-Viewer after loyal Sidesho-Viewer logging on and getting this forlorn puppy dog look on their face when their Buddy List is devoid of the SideshoViD. Regardless, many of you know that I have been spending the majority of my time out at "the greenhouse." But what is the greenhouse? I am referring to Martha's Bloomers in Navasota, TX. You've probably driven by it on your way to Houston. Next time be on the lookout for the little grey Cavy.

Anyway, I thought if you couldn't be there with me, then perhaps you could be there in spirit. And in order for you to do that, you need to know what the place looks like. Or maybe you're just plum curious. I took my camera out there today to take pictures for our final documentation and presentation (rescheduled to Monday) and some of them are worth sharing. I didn't put up a lot of the pictures of boring valves, pipes, and switches, but chose some of the few cool ones.

CLICK HERE TO SEE MY PICTURES1!!!!1!!!11!!!

You happy, Owen, I switched up the 1's. And David27, I expect you to take a look at the circuit board I designed and leave me a comment identifying at least two of the components on the board. This is your final exam. So its 4:45am and I am up watching MacGuyver on TV Land. Why?

That was a rhetorical question.

Update: MacGuyver just beat up a guy who knew kung fu and had a chainsaw and a knife. And he did it all with his bare hands ... no MacGuyverish tricks. Fucking sweet. I wish I had a MacGuyver mullet.

I would be lying if I said that I was having the Best Week Ever (btw, I fucking love that show). But, ever the optimist, it's not impossible to put a positive spin on things. I will give you all twenty-seven guesses as to what's going on, but you'll only need one. Anyway, I don't want to talk about that now. What I do want to talk about is my new fish tank!!1!

Isn't it beautiful? I bought the tank at Wal-Mart. It was one of those all-in-one packages. I set it up last night and got the filter running after I forced Tommy to put it together for me. Then today I went to the pet store and got two colors of rocks and a couple fake plants. They didn't have any of the goofy shit I wanted though. You know what I mean, like a frog wearing overalls sitting on a log, or a diver and a chest of treasure that bubbles ... goofy shit. They did have a Squidward doll, but I wouldn't want to get him unless I also had Spongebob and they were all out of him. Before you ask, no I do not have any fish. Part of me is thinking I don't really need any. I like the way it looks and the sound of the filter spitting water is soothing. My betta from David27 was dead so there goes that option. Marshall might give me his two fish that he doesn't want anymore. That would be fun, but idk when he's going to bring them to their new home.

Other than that, not a lot has been going on. I've not really been eating or sleeping, because those are overrated. And I surely haven't been to class because that's a hassle. I did start walking a lot, good exercise. I like meandering. And in other news, my flowers are looking awesome, they're getting so big, but none of them have gotten a bud yet, so I will spare you a picture until that happens. Later, you have nots.

UPDATE: Marshall came over to work on some scrapbooking thing for one of Thomas's project, and shortly thereafter Owen came home from school and saw my tank decoration. There was an overwhelming sentiment that having a tank with no fish was a waste of time and money. So I shut their asses up by putting some fish in my tank. The first piece of goofy shit that I have planned. This is cool though because even if I do eventually get the fish from Marshall, now they will be forewarned not to fuck with me. I don't take shit from the help, no matter what the species. Swish out of line one time, and you'll end up in a can! Haaaaaaaa!!1!

I'm really only updating to benefit my dear friend, Allison, who is up in Virgina for Spring Break and is feeling out of the loop. Fact of the matter is, there's no loop to be out of. I have not done a damn thing for the past few days but slump over on the couch in a slightly catatonic state staring at home improvement and cooking shows.

I had another amalgamation of two of my favorite things in the world. If you'll recall, the first time this happened was when I found out that John Denver did duets with the Muppets. Then, only recently, Lisa Loeb got her own TV show on the Food Network. And now, Dean Johnson, host of PBS's Hometime, is doing infomercials!!1! I fucking love infomercials. I would rather watch a good infomercial than a 30 minute sit-com any day ... any day. And now one of my heroes is hocking the "Little Giant" fully adjustable ladder. Sure, it's a little more expensive than a discount store ladder, but can you really put a price on your safety?

I think I am going to depart today for Houston. My brother's wife recently had some complications with her pregnancy. She has to be on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy (which is hopefully going to be a full 4 months). Since I'm an old pro at being in bed 24 hours a day, I thought I might be able to help out a little while my brother's at work during the day. Or as his wife put it, "Help feed and water her." I'll probably be there until Friday and then its back to CS and Spring Break is over. It sure has flown by. I might need to take another one before graduation. Speaking of graduation, all of my siblings are going to come. I am really excited now. Alright, you sluts, I will catch you on Friday.

I am so lucky. I'll give you twenty-seven guesses as to why but you'll only need one. These past couple weeks have been some of the best in recent memory. It's nice to have a constant partner in crime who likes to sit and watch home improvement shows and smoke too many cigarettes. I'll rip your face off and chop it in a million pieces.

In other news, Allison made reservations for us to eat at Christopher's on Friday. For those of you from out of town, Christopher's is the only nice restaurant in like a 100 mile radius. I'm really excited cause I've never eaten there before. Her parents said we could go eat there as a birthday present. Get excited! Then she bought tickets for us to see Starsky and Hutch but I already promised Marshall I would go see this band play at the Groove. We're gonna have to remedy that situation. I talked to Marshall and he was cool with it even though he said he wouldn't be if I tried to back out. But whateryagonnado? For my graduation Allisons parents are gonna pay for us to eat at Messina Hof. How fun is that? Maybe I should remind my parents that they didn't get Allison a graduation present and see if we can go to P.F. Changs in Houston or something.

I really want to go shopping before all the boys from Dallas get here on Saturday but I doubt I'm gonna have a chance. Ryan Short had so much fun during his night here out at Halo that he convinced like 10 of his friends from Dallas to come down and stay in a motel and get shitcanned College Station style. We're gonna be sure to show them how we do. Chevy is coming into town on unrelated business so I'm sure she (and hopefully Ms. Sonia as well) will join us in our revelry. If anybody else wants to join in just let me know. I'm planning on drinking on Saturday from about 7pm until about 5am. Which means this one will be on beer all night as to monitor my alcohol intake, since Aaron always tries to kill me and almost always nearly succeeds.

It's like 5am and Im just now starting to get to bed. Shouldn't have taken that nap tonight after waking up at 2pm. Oh well, I had fun doing it ... SO fun. Catch you sluts lata.

Welcome Sidesho-Viewers. Today I greet you all from the interior of Club 511, my new home away from home. I've been all about the firsts lately, so I thought I would give Ms. Leslie Bizzell the honor of watching me whilst I update. She is, naturally, one of my most loyal viewers, and most deserving of this. We are closing out my 32nd hour of being awake. It's been a long ass time since I've been awake for this long, and I can't say that its entirely enjoyable. However, the many beers of Leslie's that I've drank and the 'martin-ay' that I drank at Chili's are helping to take the edge off just a tad.

This is the second time this week that I have stayed awake to watch the sun rise due to school. I fuckin hate school, but its over now and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I was totally supposed to go to work today but hahahahaha. So when I finally finished my paper this afternoon around 12:30 I decided to check my email. After that, it was most definitely time to get drunk with Leslie so I woke her ass up and invited myself over.

Now I find myself nestled on the most comfortable couch with far too many people. I vowed to LESLIE, Rick, and Ty, that I would stay up and party until we go to Northgate to watch Aaron dunk his ring and Josh re-dunk his right (What? who does that?). I will do my best, and I'm a total trooper. Ms. Bizzell and I (who together comprise Bizzells Photogrizzaphs) are supposed to sojourn to Houston tomorrow to take some pictures of office furniture. My uncle resales the shit, but me being the artist I am totally have an idea to, like, sell the shit out of this stuff. We're gonna have Leslie pose erotically on top of all the furniture. It's GOLD!

Leslie totally has a wireless router inside her apartment which has totally allowed me the mobility to continue updating despite the fact that we have travelled outside the confines of Club 511. I am now smoking while updating ... Another first! I completely feel (and look, as was confirmed by Leslie) like Carrie Bradshaw. Is it really our inner selves that dictate our relationships or are we all just playing the inner child?

I have to go now before I have any more fun, because there is much more to be had as the night progresses. Hopefully, I'll be awake and cognizant for all of it. Catch you sluts on the flip side. Peace out, have nots.

I had planned on going to dinner with Marshall last night and then hanging out, but he ended up being 3 hours late, and Dustin and Trey were on their way to see The Matrix, so I decided to join them. I don't know what all the negative hype about this movie is all about. I thought it was fukken badass. Granted, I am easily impressed with fancy special effects, wire tricks, and kung fu, but gimme a break, that was so awesome. The fight between Agent Smith and Neo was so out of control I can hardly think about it. Anyone who cries about the plot or the 'eastern philosophy' is a big whiny baby who should be banned from movies as cool as this anyway. They were fighting so fast that the rain couldn't even hit them. Yeah, you thought it was rain.

If I talk about it anymore, I'm going to reveal too much and I don't want to spoil a movie as good as this for anybody else. Chances are, I'll be going to see it again a few times.

On another note, plans for Thanksgiving have changed. It turns out everyone and their dog is going to be out of town for Thanksgiving. Mostly because no one is going to the game. This dude wrote into the Battalion today yelling at the 12th Man (AGAIN, what is up with this resurgence of uber Aggies this year?) about how so many people were selling their sports passes. I had to laugh ... all the way to the bank, that is. I sold mine for $60. Like I give a shit. I'd much rather have the cash. Anyway, so no one is going to be in town for my Thanksgiving, and I do it right, so I don't want anyone to miss out. Also, AllieD invited me to join her family for dinner so they could get it catered by Luby's. It should be delicious and stress free. Throw in a little booze and you've got a right proper Turkey Day.

I've been watching Thanksgiving Week on Food Network and it is so awesome. I think this year I'm going to make my own stuffing. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I'm still having my own Thanksgiving, just not on that day. As you all well know, I am so cool that I can have Thanskgiving whenever the fuck I want. So maybe a week or two after the real deal, we'll have my shindig. I'll keep you all posted. Now, go get drunk.

I had two goals for this weekend. First, I wanted to get really, really drunk. Not a problem. My other goal was to accomplish absolutely nothing. Its a hard goal to accomplish because you're never really sure when you've finished it, but I know that I did it because of a little thing I've dubbed the couch-a-thon.

They kind of went hand-in-hand because my fabulous hangover kept me from wanting to do anything. I woke up on the couch the next morning and proceded to drink dr. peppers and lie about. I spent the whole day watching food network until Josh IMed me and said he was going to make some sloppy joes. He just lives two seconds away, so I actually got up and went over there. But dont' worry, because all i did was lay down on his couch. We saw the coolest show on ABC called Swapped or Switched or something like that. Check it out.

I went home after that and laid down on the couch until Allison called. We ventured briefly to Blockbuster but it smelled like ass in there so we went to Hastings. I bought The Transporter and 8 Mile on VHS cause they were cheap. So we went to Allison's to watch The Transporter and I laid down on her couch. As soon as that was over, back to my couch I went, and chatted with Neumann until 6am. I haven't talked to that guy in like 4 years, so that was a little surreal but cool. I slept on the couch, and its now 3pm and I'm still here.

If you all had pledged a nickel for every hour I could sit on a couch ... well, I'd have a shitload of nickels. So who is proud of me?

Still no internet at mi casa. I haven't really tried to figure out what is wrong aside from repeatedly plugging my ethernet cable into the wall and trying to open AIM. I don't really care all that much, since I'm online all day at work, but it would be nice. In my boredom of being unplugged, I have been finding other, equally unproductive things to do with my time while I sit home alone in my big empty apartment. Of course, it would make sense to clean and put stuff away, but I have yet to put away more than one thing per day. I like to pace myself, y'know. Don't want to have a heart attack.

Last night I played guitar for a while and decided to set up my recording studio. Alas, I could not locate the AC adapter for my 4-track recorder so I got frustrated and quit. Then I sat down at the computer and recorded myself singing 3/4th's of a second of each note in the chromatic scale. Then, using Sound Recorder, I mixed and inserted notes strategically to build chords and progressions. It was really fun and time consuming. I just ate breakfast with Chris and he said that he would bring over some of his piano sheet music for me to recreate with my glorious voice tonight. Could be fun.

Two nights ago I watched the Most Outrageous TV Game Show Moments 3, or something to that effect. In between clips, they went around and asked people in the mall trivia questions. They asked one guy how big his epidermis was, and he said about 7 inches. They asked another guy what he thinks about when he masticates and he said women. One woman said that a hot guy would cause her angina to act up. As a grammar cop, I was horrified and gave them all mental citations. Friends don't let friends be stoopid. Peace, my friends, and good night.

Ahh, another productive night ... at NORTHGATE! My god, I have got to stop going there. But fuck it, I don't have shit else to do. Anywho, last night me and Ryan (you happy now, bitch) went to Northgate to celebrate another dead day. His next exam is Tuesday and mine is Wednesday, so we're both free. Todd stayed home and studied. We started out at the Dry Bean and each had a Royal Fuck. They were delicious. From there we decided to hit the hotspot, Mad Hatters.

Um yeah, neither one of us got the memo, but apparently it was Down Syndrome night at Mad Hatters. Everyone there was incredibly ugly and acting like a retard. One girl was even pretending to be pregnant and wearing a fat suit. And she kept on bumpin and grindin and yelling 'I'm PREGNANT whooo!' It was very strange. Needless to say, we finished our drinks as quickly as possible and skeedaddled over to the Library. I hadn't been there in forever. We met up with some girl named Kat that Ryan had met the night before. She was with her friend Heather Fuson, who I was in band with at Plano Senior High. So that was fun. I don't think I've ever actually talked to her but last night we caught up like we were OLD friends.

After that we decided to run by Taco Cabana because Ryan said he didn't have any food at home. We ran into Keith and Burns there and shared some queso and good times. I stayed the night at Ryan's cause I felt like drinking more. They really didn't have any beer so me and Todd split a big bottle of wine and watched music videos on like 5 different channels until 6 in the morning. Good times, good times. Right now I have to run up to lab for a while. You know me, go go go work work work. I'm gonna have a heart attack one of these days if I don't change my workaholic ways. Anywho, you kids be good and study hard. School is cool.

In the end, last night turned out to be thoroughly entertaining. Ryan and Todd decided to throw the bash of the century and declared last night to be a Pajama Party. Everyone was supposed to wear their pajamas and get all messed up. Great idea. I went with Brandon over there around 11 ... at which point the guest list was already up to ... wellllll ... zero. So no one had showed up yet it was sure to get rocking soon. Or so we thought. It ended up being the 4 of us sitting around playing drinking games ... in pajamas. Tres different from every other weekend.

Even though the party was a total bust, we still had a blast. My neighbor, Breezy, showed up later and partied with us. Frank dropped by for a spell and Daniel came over during a study break. None of them were wearing pajamas though. We got drunk, ate some queso, and played Grand Theft Auto: Vice City all night. Then we passed out.

I just got back from lunch at Fitzwilly's with AllieD and Breezy. It was so delicious. I think I'm gonna lay on the couch now and watch TV and then maybe head up to lab, ugh. I hate lab. Anywho, I'll catch you kids later.

Last night I decided I wanted to go out. I had my out-fit on. So I went over to Allison's to discuss the proposition. To make a long story I don't wanna tell into a short story, two and a half hours later, it was decided that we would indeed, go to Northgate. This was around 11:30, which means we didn't step foot into a bar until midnight. By 'we' I mean 'me, Allison, and Katie.' There was a line for The Library (where I really wanted to go) so we opted for the new MadHatter's ... since none of us had been in there yet. It was pretty neat. They played nothing but 80's music the whole time, so I guess its kinda fun to have a themed bar on Northgate. Their drink specials were chocolate martinis for $2.50. That really didn't sound appetizing to me, but I didn't want to be left out, so I opted for an apple martini for a couple bucks more. Mmmk, if by 'apple martini' they meant 'a big glass of sour apple pucker.' Needless to say, I didn't really enjoy my drink much. Allison and Katie didn't much appreciate their chocolate/alcohol concoctions either. It was a little disappointing. We did run into some of our neighbors there, though, and talked to them for a while. And I saw one of my friends from elementary school and said hi to him for a while. All in all, I had a lot more fun that if I had just gone to bed.

I don't know about Princess tho, she was about as sour as my drink. We got home and she went to bed pretty much. I drank a couple beers and watched an episode of Cheers and then went home and drank my last beer. I was all alone and bored and getting drunk and I needed some company, some conversation, and another beer. So who did I call? Naturally, I called Holly. What a class act. She drove over to my place with 2 beers so we could sit and chat and share a drink. She's too cool. After that I called Keith to make sure he was alright cause it was like 4am and he's usually home before that. Turns out this kid decides to drive to Austin with Burns last night just spur of the moment cause they were bored. Whaaaatever. So then I went to bed and woke up today hearing a howling pouring rainstorm. So I rolled over and went back to sleep. I hate rain.

I heard my Aggies won 14-12 against Pitt. That's good news. Too bad I didn't get up to actually watch the thing, but oh well. Not sure what's on the plate for tonight, but I know I wanna get out of the house at least and mingle a little bit. We'll see what happens and I'll keep you all posted.

So much to say, so much to say. Let me start with our first football game. As many of you know, there are very few things that I love so much as Aggie football, so naturally I was pretty excited about the game. My sports pass wasn't renewed like I thought, so I had to wait in this long line in order to get it renewed. The point of telling you that, is that I couldn't pull with my friends so I just had a single ticket. So did Lindsay, so we decided to sneak in somewhere and sit together. I called Todd's cell phone and made him come down from his seats with two tickets so that we could sneak into his section, and then we ended up standing on his row since there was room. We had to move a couple times and Lindsay stood in the aisle for a while (I'm such a gentleman) but in the end we had plenty of room.

The girls behind me were pissing me off though. They were 3 ugly wenches and they kept talkin shit about every single play. They'd be like "Oh boy here comes our offense, this outta be good ... of course our defense is nothing great either" or "Oh great catch, I can't believe how bad we're going to be this year" and it was just constant. I mean they didn't shut up for the whole first quarter. So finally I turned around and I said, "Hi there. Excuse me. I was just wondering if you came to watch my Aggies play or if you just came to criticize every damn play. Can we please get a little team spirit back there?" And they kind of ignored me, but they shut up for a while. It was really sappin my fun though, so I had to say something. The game was great, I rank it #3 all time behind t.u. my freshman year and Notre Dame last year. We may not have played all that great, but thats not really how I rank football games. I really like turnovers, and there were more than enough to keep me jumping up and down the whole game. I'm not sure what the final count was, but there were seriously like 8 interceptions. And we won 31-7, which always makes for a good game. Anyway, I thought it was great. And thats the name of that tune.

When we got home, my neighbors Vinny and Cheyney (sp?) had gotten a couple of kegs, so the whole neighborhood came out again. Ryan and Todd showed up too and ended up spending the night here because we all got a little bit toasty. There were some people in the next building that were having a party too and theirs was much bigger than ours. They had to have had a good 60 people just in back by the keg. And every guy there was massive. I went inside their party for a while and I was absolutely dwarfed by everyone there. It was kinda weird. I don't know if they were football players or what. I met my other next door neighbor last night too and she was pretty cool. Her name is Brianne. She made us some fucking good mashed potatoes from scratch at like 4 in the morning. We know so many people in our neighborhood now, I'm gonna need to start jotting down names on a map to remember everyone. Its so great ... so incredibly different from the Enclave last year where we didn't see, let alone meet, a single neighbor in an entire year. Except for Candy, who we met once and then totally fabricated a personality for her until she was this fictional Kramer-esque 2-dimensional comedy schtick character. Whoo-ahhh!

So anyway, the parties were a little off the heezy so like 6 cops showed up and started IDing everybody. They never IDed me though, oh well. Apparently its illegal to drink in public after 1am, and the area between our duplexes is considered public. I was not aware of that. I didn't get any tickets but both of the people hosting the parties got slammed. Like $500 or something big like that. I'm not sure of the exact figure, I haven't ventured out of the house yet today to see the damage. Anyway, I'm gonna get back to the Food Network now. I just finished up a Good Eats with Alton Brown marathon (thanks for letting me know it was on Allison). I'll catch you skids on the flip slide.

Well this is a bit of a momentous occasion, dear Sidesho-Viewers. Welcome one and all to my 100th blog. I didn't actually realize that this moment was upon us until I saw that the archive address for my last blog was like 0000099. Its pretty exciting. I've enjoyed writing all 100 and look forward to 100 more. I know you all can't get enough of me.

Anyway, my computer still doesn't work. I'm on Keith's computer again. I spent a good portion of my night last night on the phone with the Cox cable lady and she had all kinds of things for me to do to our modem, the router, and my computer, none of which worked. Matt said that DJ has an extra network card that he's not using, so I'm going to try that and see if it fixes my problem. Other than the computer not working, I also don't have all of my furniture, which has made putting my room together kind of hard. I need my dresser so that I can put away my clothes and start arranging everything how I want it. As of right now everything is in a bit of disarray. All the stuff isn't out of storage yet either, so the living room is a mess too. I hate moving. But I love my new place so far.

Today I got up around 2 and went to get a sports pass. I apparently forgot to put that on my fee statement, so I had to wait in a line for an hour and a half for them to turn it on. All of my friends already pulled tickets to the first game so I pulled a solo ticket and I'm going to sneak down and sit with somebody I know. Not sure who yet. After that I went and saw my advisor so he could tell me some classes I have left to take. The list is dwindling. Unfortunately most of what I have to take is in my major, which requires pre-req's that I don't have. But there's still a few classes that I need to take, so I'll take some of them whenever add/drop week comes around. After that I went to the dorm to see Burns and check out where my roommates have been spending their nights this week. I've been trying to be responsible so I've been staying home and just watching TV. Tonight I drank some really good wine. Suds got it from Olive Garden cause he works there and they were getting rid of one of their vintages, so I bought a bottle for 10 bucks. Which was a steal. It was really tasty. I actually saved most of the bottle instead of drinking it all like I usually do, so I'll be able to enjoy it for a few more days to come.

I would like to go out tonight, but I shouldn't, so I don't think I'm going to. However, if somebody reads this and has something fun planned, definitely let me know. Otherwise, I'll spend my night chatting and watching MTV, which is AOK with me. Until then...

Friday night was a right proper blast. It ended up that we decided to stay home and drink some beer. We had a pretty good turnout too considering we didn't really intend on having a party. Maddou came over early on in the evening to start sipping on a few brewskis. Later on then John showed up with one of his female friends. Jennifer drove in from Houston, also with a female friend. Doug and Nicole showed their faces once more and managed to convince a couple people to play drinking games (not me though, I always heed my own advice -- never play Doug's drinking games). There was some other guy there that I think came with Doug, I'm not sure. He had really cool tattoos. I'm sure was a little too interested in them, but I was drunk and they were really intricate. To top off the guestlist, Allison made a semi-surprise visit. We had such a blast. Me and Allison haven't gotten a chance to party together in forever. I don't think we stopped laughing hysterically the entire night. Everything was funny to us. Funny because it was true -- it was funny and true.

If you can imagine, I may have had just a little too much fun on Friday night, though I don't regret it one bit. So last night I took it pretty easy. We watched a bunch of TV and that was just about it. Maddou invited me out to Northgate but I honestly don't have any money. I have like 12 dollars in the bank right now but you need at least $20 to get it out of the ATM ... cause I ain't paying the service fee on the $5 ATM they have on Northgate. Anyway, it turned out to be a right bore, but I think I needed it. Oh yeah, this is off topic, but I talked to Stuart the other night. He finally called me back. You all remember Stuart from Moore Hall, right? He lives in Nashville, Tennessee now. Talk about fucking random. Whatever floats his boat though, I'm sure its better than Fort Worth.

Alright, I think today I'm gonna go to the rec and work out since I have such a fabulouso body now. My weight hovers right around 150 still, I haven't gained a damn pound in so long. The other day I was 152 a new high, and then yesterday I was back down to 149. I don't get it. I can't gain weight for the life of me. And that creatine was giving me heart palpitations so I quit taking it. Anyway, then I'm gonna lay out. So my day is full. You all be good ... and don't forget to tip your waitress.

Hello everyone. So good to see you again. As I type this, I am sitting in my parents' room on their computer. I made it home alive. I ended up leaving College Station around 1pm because me and Allison (that makes 6) stayed up late drinking wine and watching Sex and the City season 2. It was a fabulous time. I made one stop in Fairfield to grab something to eat at the Jack in the Box there. Traffic thru Dallas was fucking awful, but I finally made it. I think my mother is ordering in pizza ... so much for that homecooked meal.

I haven't decided what I want to do first whilst in Plano. My brother is coming in tonight with his wife. I could hang out and wait for them, but I think instead I'll call some peeps and see whats goin down in P-town. I'm sure I'll be ultra bored soon, but for now I need to unload my car. Adios, you have nots I will catch you on the flip side.