I made some of my jean extending clip on cuffs. I just haven't implemented the clip on functionality which is why I haven't photographed them yet. The Allistralian was just at my apartment the other night and she was really stoked about the invention because she has a hard time finding jeans that are the right length. This product could totally be marketed to the big and tall -- not just wieners with high waters. Why didn't I think of this?

Last night I was going to order Patch Perfect -- the shakeable grass seed -- from an infomercial. But I decided to do a little research on the internet first. Everyone gave it 0 out of 10, but they said it was because it didn't cover nearly as much area as it claimed, or they said this is just grass seed, why is it so expensive? So I compromised and went to Wal-Marts and got a bag of grass seed. I've had these planters outside of my bedroom window for years now and to date have been unsuccessful in keeping anything alive for more than a day. I was under the impression that plants could survive hours, maybe even days, without constant care. Not so. I have killed everything from plants to herbs and always in under a week. So now I'm growing grass. Heat resistant, drought resistant grass. If I can keep it alive, get it to grow in pretty thick, and then cut it to a uniform length, I think that could be real attractive. If I can keep it alive.

And now, another million dollar idea from yours truly. Strange how I have all of these million dollar ideas, but not a million dollar bank account. Anyway, you know how celebrity gossip and tabloids are so popular? And also you know how reality TV is so popular? Okay, now put those two ideas together:

REALITY TABLOIDS!!!

I'm going to write nasty articles about how fat women in my neighborhood are getting. And I'm gonna snap pictures of two bitches out at bars wearing the same outfit and have people vote on who wore it better. I'll do everything the paparazzi does to celebrities, but I'll do it to regular people. It'll be so awesome. Breaking neighborhood scandals. Having people see themselves leaving a local bar and falling down. This could really catch on. I'm working on the first issue now. It'll be a twofer purchase with the first issue of the Conduit. Suckers.

There's a new commercial that's flooded all of my favorite channels for the Teeter Hang Ups Inversion System. It's basically this pivoting table that you strap your ankles in and then lean back and hang upside down. I used to use one in my yoga class in college and always loved the way it made my back feel. So I went to the Teeter website. $400. Give me a fucking break. I was relaying this story to a coworker as we walked around Wal-Mart on a lunch break and decided to go look and see if they had an inversion tables. And they did! Gold's Gym brand for about a 4th of the cost. So I bought it.

It took like 4 hours to put together. And it comes with a chain so that you can limit the angle that you can fall back to. The manual suggested limiting it to around 15° to start out with until your body gradually gets used to being inverted. But I was like fuck that I wanna go all the way. So no chain. I got on, threw my arms back, passed the pivot point of balance and flipped in one swift motion 180° until i hit the cross support bar and then hung there unable to get up. I was terrified, laughing hysterically, and fighting the rush of blood to my head all at once. I screamed to Daniel and he came and rescued me. Only to decide he wanted to try it himself and suffered the same fate.

But now I'm gradually lengthening the chain and I really like what it does. It just feels so good. I wish the ankle supports were more comfortable though because that's what really limits the amount of time I can spend in it. My feet go numb and my ankles hurt. I may come up with my own solution. More expensive models have boots you wear and I can probably make some.

Oh, in other news, the Allistralian and her fiancee Dom are keeping a travel blog of their 13 month trip around the world. And they asked me to set up their blog for them since mine is so kick ass. And I didn't want to tell you all about it until it was done ... and I'm not sure it is ... but it's close enough. So go check out whileyouwereworking.com.

Today we're going on The Walk with Hanson and then to the concert tonight. We might get to meet em. Mmmbop!

Tonight I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond to buy a few things for my trip to Australia. The 14 hour flight is really starting to intimidate me. So I bought a Tempur-pedic neck pillow. I was going to buy a face mask, but I decided mine was probably good enough. And I bought a travel size of moisturizer because my hands always get so dry on a plane. Daniel was making fun of me that everything I was buying screamed old lady, so I kept saying, "Man I hope my mom likes all these gifts for her," as we walked around.

But you know me; I can't be in a store like that and not end up just wandering around looking for something to buy. And then I happened upon the as-seen-on-TV PedEgg. I've wanted to give one of these babies a test drive for a while. When we got home, I quickly assembled it and ran to the bathroom to try it out.

A little background story: Ever since my last knee surgery when I relearned how to walk, I've disproportionately distributed my weight onto my right foot. And it doesn't land exactly straight, so I developed this really thick callous on the inside of my right big toe. All the pumus stones and files of the world couldn't decrease it. Well, folks, I am ecstatic to announce that after a mere minute with the PedEgg, that rough, calloused skin is now soft and smooth. Same with my dry, cracked heels. They are completely healed! It's amazing! It completely works just as it is seen on TV, down to the parmesan cheese left inside to empty into the trash can -- vomit enducing. And you can just grate against your skin as hard as you want, and it only removes the thinnest layer of skin without any pain.

It's been a long time since I've purchased a product that worked this well. I think everyone should run out right now and buy a PedEgg. As an added bonus, when you're not using it on your feet, you can grate cheese with it. There. I helped you out!

I successfully rode the Vespa to work this week. It was a little unnerving at first, but once I got going, it was pretty comfortable. It did highlight the fact that I need to buy some gloves. 50 degrees doesn't sound cold until you're moving through it at 45mph. My hands hurt by the time I got to work. But I did it. On the way home it was so windy that I had a hard time balancing, so I found an alternate route home that took me entirely through residential streets. It took nearly 45 minutes, but it was way preferrable to braving the high winds on a major thoroughfare. I only did it one day because there has been questionable weather and high winds predicted every day this week, but I think it could become my main transportation throughout the summer months.

Daniel has been in Atlanta all week. Sunday was his birthday and he had to fly out for some training for his new job. Unfortunately, by the time his flight landed he was sick. He's had to miss out on most of the activities and just lie in bed. Being in a different city for work is bad enough. Not being able to drink must make it near unbearable. He comes home tomorrow though, which I'm pretty excited about. TV isn't any fun to watch when no one is there to hear your snide remarks.

Speaking of TV, I made another as-seen-on-TV purchase! Stephen's daughter's birthday is coming up in July and he said she would really like the Roll 'n Grow. The commercial shows a green foam pad that you roll out, water, and then an insane amount of flowers bloom from it. I hate to disappoint her this early in life by her finding out that not everything works like they show in the commercials, but I also hate to disappoint myself by not buying it for her. So I had to get it. She'll be excited to open it I'm sure. And as with every stupid purchase I make -- who knows? -- maybe it does work. We got on the topic because 20/20 did a big scientific study of Kinoki Pads. The bastards must have been reading my blog and stealing ideas. They couldn't get the company to produce any lab results to back up their claims. But I think the most telling demonstration was when they put distilled water on the pads and they turned brown. No labs could find any traces of toxins or heavy metals or whatever else they claim. Too bad, I was really hoping this would be a cure all for the human race. I guess the hunt is still on.

So I need another suggestion for TV purchases. The AeroGarden that Thommi suggested it a wonderful idea. It's a little expensive for an impulse buy, but then again, my birthday is just around the corner and I do love getting myself a little something special.

I need to go clean the apartment. As I guessed would happen, my intentions to keep the apartment pristine while Daniel was away failed miserably and now I have to make up for it within the next few hours. Late.

Last night I tried my Kinoki Foot Pads for the first time. After a night of significant drinking, I decided their first test would be to draw my hangover out of my body while I slept so I would awake feeling refreshed. Daniel tried a pair too. An hour before bed we washed our feet in the bathtub and even ran a pumice stone on our soles to try and open up a path for toxins.

You open the pad, apply it to this big adhesive sheet and then stick the whole thing on the bottoms of your feet. We decided to put socks on over the pads so they wouldn't come off and that ended up being a good decision because they kind of leak. I immediately felt something. I'll grant you that I was drunk, but there was a tingling sensation. So I was gaining confidence that maybe they didn't do nothing. In the morning, my socks were a little bit brown from the Kinoki juice that leaked out. I wouldn't call it a confirmation, but I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. I should have had a regular sized hangover, but it was less. So much so that I went to the grocery store and cooked us a really big breakfast of pancetta and fontina cheese omlette croissant sandwiches. You don't make up recipes that unless you've been revitalized in mind and body.

I have to say, though, that the biggest testimony to their effectiveness is that Daniel got up at 10:30 in the morning. A mere 8 hours after we had gone to bed. This is, like, at least 4 hours earlier than usual. I think they might work. The test will be to see if they get lighter and lighter as I use them. You can only use them every other night, so it will take me a while to get through the 5 remaining pairs of pads. But I'm hopeful.

Probably the most disturbing thing about these pads is their smell. They are brown and liquidy and leaking and make your feet tingle. But then you take them off in the morning and there is the overwhelming smell of barbeque sauce.  The fact that they look like barbeque sauce only stands to reinforce this olfactory conclusion. I threw my pads away but I am curious to compare the ingredient list against that of some A-1 and see how much they have in common. In the meantime, though, like I sometimes do, I decided to lend my advertising genius to Kinoki for free and put together this brand new marketing graphic for them.

Stand by for my final verdict, but I'm seriously undecided at the moment. Peace.

This is our new entry way. I painted it while Daniel was in New York.

Do you like it?

What's up with these new Total Gym commercials? I was thinking about buying one until this mustachioed gentleman thought he could fool everybody. But I will tell you what is. No fucking way am I buying a Total Gym from Chuck Norris' evil twin brother. Period.

Have you seen this Colgate commercial? They're implying that if your gums bleed a little bit when you brush that it could be a sign of gingivitis and that brushing with Colgate will fix that. But what gets me every time is the chick who says "When I saw a little pink in the sink...." You cannot tell me I'm the only one who hears "two in the pink, one in the stink" and looks up expecting to see the shocker.

I have a new goal. Well, actually, it's an old goal, but I'm going to go for it now. I want to own everything as seen on TV. I'm talking everything. I'm going to begin with the Faraday Flashlight. It's a flashlight that charges itself based on the electromagnetic principles discovered by English chemist and physicist Michael Faraday. I'm really impressed they named it after him too. I also like that you have to shake it in a masturbatorial motion in order to get it to work.

How was Vegas? Oh, I'm glad you asked. I won about 700 bucks. Yay! Unfortunately, I lost about 850. It was pretty fun though. I hit a couple of big pots on the slots. I was just in such a mood for slots. You know how it is, when you get all slotty, put on your slottiest outfit. I got to see the Allistralian! She is back in the contiguous United States. We were in Vegas together for her last night and my first night. Good times. I need to call her now that she's in Dallas. The rest of my trip was resignation fodder, but the odds of that blossoming beyond an idle threat are small. I used to have ambition. Sigh.

I don't have to work tomorrow. Rawk! Oh, I almost forgot it was still Febrehabruarii and I have to comment on it. I didn't crack whilst in Sin City. It was a huuuuuge challenge, but no problemo for yours truly. I've been having a lot of sober fun with my fellow rehabruaers, Daniel and Brett Sabulous. Oh, and in closing, let me just save you all 8 bucks -- do NOT go see Date Movie. Laaaaaaaaaate.

You know those commercials on tv that are like, "Do you like to draw?" And you can order that free test to see how good you are and the test includes doodling a pirate and a parrot and shit. Well, I was pretty hammered a couple weeks ago and that commercial came on so I called them. In between my information I kept throwing in phrases like, "Boy, you're really going to be blown away by what I can do." My plan was to fill out the test, scan it in so you could all laugh at it with me and then mail it in. Unfortunately, that probably won't happen.

I got a phone call from Carol at the Art Institute who wanted to interview me. She said there was no need for me to mail in a test since it would just end up on her desk anyway so I can fill it out with her there. I told her that art is my life and always has been and that all of my friends are just blown away by my sketches. She was really getting excited with me about my art. Why must my art hurt me so?

Then she wanted to schedule a time and I was totally going to do it. Sometimes I don't like to admit it, but in this case, I will. I was only gonna do it because it would make a really great blog. I wanted to double check that it wasn't a scam first, though, so I asked her if I had to pay anything. And she said she was gonna be right up front with me, school is 30 dollars a week. "30 DOLLARS!!1!" I exclaimed. She asked me if I had a job and I said I was in between jobs right now but I had put in an application at Starbucks a couple weeks ago and still had my fingers crossed. Carol said I need to get my life together by February because she has me rescheduled for her next trip to Dallas.

I will keep you all posted on how my new career is progressing. Right now I have to go get together 3 of my best drawings to show Carol.

This was another fabulous weekend spent on the stoop. We all just kind of hung out, watched movies, and drank a whole bunch. Last night, around 4am, we had the bright idea to go to J's Hamburgers and Breakfast for a post-evening meal. Usually when I say something was a "bright idea" I mean it sarcastically, but in this sense, it truly was a delight. I had some sausage patties and a few too many cups of coffee. Daniel, Miles and I rode back (the 3 blocks) to our little stretch of Addison circle and were prepared to drink a little more and then turn in when we heard the most pathetic little, "Excuse me. Excuse me."

We turned to find this woman -- drunk and crying -- wandering the streets of Addison with no shoes on. She explained to us in between sobs how her friend and her had gotten into a fight over a man, and she was now locked out with no phone, no keys, and no shoes. We offered to let her in the building and walk her up to her friend's apartment (for moral support). When we got to the fourth floor, she wandered around aimlessly, sobbing some more, claiming she couldn't remember which apartment belonged to her friend. She sat there helplessly, and then in a fit of rage the likes of which I haven't seen since I shared a bedroom with my brother, she randomly decided that the door nearest to her was the one she was looking for and began beating it down screaming, "OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR YOU BITCH!" I didn't have the time to take a picture of her, so I illustrated it all for you:

Since we're such rock steady moral support for all vagrants and vagabonds north of 635, the second she hit that random stranger's door with all her might, we exited stage right. We took the elevator down to my floor and then sprinted back to my apartment. We slammed the door, laughed for a minute, and then watched the Magic Bullet infomercial. I hope that chick is okay and didn't have to sleep in the hallway. Actually, wait, no, I don't care.

What I did have my camera for was the sign that Miles, Lindy and I were looking at outside of Daniel's building while we waited for everyone to join us. Here's a quick snapshot of it. We were trying to decipher it's meaning. Lindy decided that it was a message to all handicapped people to "just get up." Just get up. I thought that was so funny ... after many, many longnecks. I just had to share it with you all.

I had too much fun once again within the confines of Addison Circle. I find less and less reason to go downtown these days. I hope my friends south of 635 know that they are always welcome to the stoop. Just FYI. Okay, that's all I have for today. Now let's all get out there, hustle and have a grood week. *slap on the butt*

I'm really only updating to benefit my dear friend, Allison, who is up in Virgina for Spring Break and is feeling out of the loop. Fact of the matter is, there's no loop to be out of. I have not done a damn thing for the past few days but slump over on the couch in a slightly catatonic state staring at home improvement and cooking shows.

I had another amalgamation of two of my favorite things in the world. If you'll recall, the first time this happened was when I found out that John Denver did duets with the Muppets. Then, only recently, Lisa Loeb got her own TV show on the Food Network. And now, Dean Johnson, host of PBS's Hometime, is doing infomercials!!1! I fucking love infomercials. I would rather watch a good infomercial than a 30 minute sit-com any day ... any day. And now one of my heroes is hocking the "Little Giant" fully adjustable ladder. Sure, it's a little more expensive than a discount store ladder, but can you really put a price on your safety?

I think I am going to depart today for Houston. My brother's wife recently had some complications with her pregnancy. She has to be on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy (which is hopefully going to be a full 4 months). Since I'm an old pro at being in bed 24 hours a day, I thought I might be able to help out a little while my brother's at work during the day. Or as his wife put it, "Help feed and water her." I'll probably be there until Friday and then its back to CS and Spring Break is over. It sure has flown by. I might need to take another one before graduation. Speaking of graduation, all of my siblings are going to come. I am really excited now. Alright, you sluts, I will catch you on Friday.

To start this blog, let me explain a process to you. Its kind of strange, so try to keep up. First, a person lays down on the ground and covers their face and hair with a wet towel. Next, a hollow tube of wax about a foot long is inserted into the ear. Once it is comfortably seated in the ear, with a helper holding it in place, the opposite end of the tube is lit on fire. As it burns down, a third person makes sure the ashes fall into a bowl of water. When the tube has burned down to about 4" long, it is removed from the ear and extinguished. The process is called "Ear candling."

Why on earth would I be telling you about this, you may be asking right now. In short, because thats what I did on Saturday night. I was over at Allison's with Katie and Kelley and I brought some ear candles with me. Its supposed to be really soothing, so we turned down the lights and lit some candles and stuff. And the instructions come with a step by step process for a face massage. So we really got into it. Once we started going though, it turned out to be more humorous than relaxing. It was an odd sensation and it clogged my left ear for like 2 days, but they're back to normal now. If you would like to learn more about the process, you can visit Wally's All Natural Supplements for Your Health.

Keith is now standing in my room in his workout clothes being a bitch and hurrying me along, so that's where the story will have to end. I guess I'll fill you all in on the rest of the goings on at a later time.
End of line.