The good news is that the neurologist was pretty sure he'd found was what wrong with me. He made me do all sorts of goofy shit like walking a straight line, standing on one foot with my eyes closed. Then he made me lay with my head off the edge of a table and forced my head back and forth and told me to look in extremely opposite directions. I didn't know this, but I've since learned on YouTube, that when you're experiencing vertigo your eyes go through a certain REM. And based on the pattern that your eyes jerk around they can tell you exactly which ear has the problem.

I have what is called benign positional vertigo. It's called "benign" because in and of itself it causes no harm to anything, although it does freak people out and make them think they have tumors and whatnot. But what it is is actually an inner ear malfunction that can be brought on by everything from an ear infection to absolutely no reason. You have three semi-circular canals in your inner ear on the X, Y, Z coordinate planes. Each one is filled with fluid and has a hair with a calcium carbonate rock on the end. When you turn your head certain directions the fluid flows and pushes on the rock letting your brain know that you've moved to a certain position. Well pieces of that calcium carbonate can break off and become free floating in to the canal, running into things and causing the sensation of motion.

To flush these particles out of the canal you do what is called the Epley Maneuver, which basically consists of laying down with your head at certain angles with respect to gravity. And switching between each position will cause fluid to go in just one direction hopefully taking any dislodged rocks along with it. It's the simplest, least invasive cure to any disease I've ever seen. And I am thrilled to say it is working for me. I'm like 3 days now no sudden overwhelming vertigo. So yay.

Unfortunately, the anxiety associated with thinking I'm gonna die at any moment is lingering. I've read websites that say your body just becomes sort of addicted to that adrenaline rush of anxiety. After a while instead of thoughts causing the chemical reaction, it's actually the chemical reaction that causes the thoughts. And you have to really concentrate to break that association and wean yourself from that addiction. I liken it to losing weight. It's really easy to sit around and get fat, but to get skinny again takes a concerted effort. So I've been really trying to remain.calm and do things that are relaxing at night like taking baths, reading, and going to bed early. I would have to say it gets better almost every day, but like tonight I drank a beer and was all dizzy in the head walking home and now I'm all worked up that the calcium carbonate rocks were just one problem in a sea of many. Gotta do my best to break that train of thought.

So the saga continues. I think through sleep, exercise, multivitamins, yoga and massages I will see the light on the other side. I will tell you this though, it gives me a whole new appreciation for psychiatric medicine. I would NOT want to live like this forever just gripped by fear for no reason. I've always been of the mindset that people should just get over it, but now having experienced the truly involuntary reactions in my brain, I know that it is not an option. But hopefully the more dizzy-free days I have the more relaxed I will become. But I think I will remain forever grateful if this does pass that I am able to live a normal life. Here's hopin.

But at least now if any of you experience sudden overwhelming vertigo you can laugh it off because now you know it's probably just rocks in your ears.

I tried to post yesterday, but I guess Earthlink was having a problem with their servers. Everything on the internet worked except for my webpage. I blogged in Notepad so that I wouldn't lose the thought, but I didn't save it because I was just going to cut and paste it later when everything was working. Last night I was pretty sick so I stayed home and went to bed and then Daniel came home around 3. He hates the sound of the fan in my laptop so he turned my computer off before he got in bed. Long story short (which is pointless to say after you've already told the long story), I lost what I was going to say.

I do know that 95% of the reason I was blogging was to show you my St. Patrick's Day cake. I can't wait to win the lottery and go to culinary school and do shit like this all day long. It started off as a practice cake for Daniel's birthday cake next month, but as soon as I finished, realized the icing was green, and remembered it was St. Patty's Day, I dressed it up with the yellow. Thank g*d I have cake decorating materials on hand at all times. The best part is, the reason the icing is green IS BECAUSE IT'S MADE FROM AVOCADOS. Have you ever heard of anything so crazy? If you watch Alton Brown you have. I have to say, it is curiously delicious. It's light and fresh and citrusy with the lemon juice and orange extract I added. I think it will be a big hit. If you want to try it, you'd better hurry over before Daniel devours the whole thing. He's quite the cake-eater.

I hope everybody had a lovely St. Patrick's Day filled with green beer and devoid of green hangovers. Laaaaaaaaate.

Whew. Thank g*d that is over! No, I'm not talking about the holidaze; I'm talking about the plague I came through this week. On Xmas night, I went with Ryan Short to have a few beers, came home, went to bed nearly sober. I woke up about an hour later and the onslaught of vomit, et. al., began. It lasted well into the morning where I found myself so dehydrated and so weak I was unable to hold myself up to throw up anymore, so I just kind of rested my head on the toilet seat and then slumped to the ground.

Something similar happened to me once in college and I ended up getting carted out of the dorm on a stretcher and into an ambulance. So I figured that might be a good idea again. But my insurance company has a 24 hour nurse hotline that I'm in the habit of calling before going to the ER, because that shit's expensive. The nurse wasn't too concerned with my symptoms and taught me how to rehydrate myself without enducing more vomit. I wanted to share it with you all. If you throw up, you should wait an hour before you attempt to eat or drink anything. Then after one hour you can begin to drink one ounce of water every 20 minutes. I did that, threw up one more time, tried it again, and it finally worked.

So there I was at 8 in the morning, freezing cold, sweating, shaking, my lips are dry and my stomach is tumbling, holding onto a shot glass filled with tap water watching the clock waiting for the next time that I can start sipping my meager nourishment again. It sucked so bad.

But, 16 hours later, I had progressed to crackers, and 24 hours later, I was basically fine. Still, it was awful. But at least the next time it happens I'll know what to do.

Other than that Xmas was good. Lots of little kids. Five total nieces and nephews this year. It's a far cry from the adult-only Xmases of yesteryear where everything was accompanied by a glass of scotch. But it was fun to convince a toddler that a fat man with a sack of toys climbed down the chimney while she was taking a nap. I've never really gotten to do that.

I got a wine fridge for Xmas. My brother Michael from California got it for me. It holds 28 bottles! I'm trying to figure out the best way to stock it. I might just buy a case of my favorite wine and then fill in the rest a few bottles at a time. But shit, 28 bottles is a lot. So if you want to bring me some wine, feel free, I have plenty of real estate.

In other news, Daniel has been in California for a long time now. He met up with his old baby sitter while he was there (he grew up there). She is now married to the brother of the mom from Mr. Belvedere! I'm not sure how that fact came to light, but it's true. Beeeoooowwwwww Streaks on the china! He said they're going to try to get me an autographed picture from her. I would truly cherish it. He also said they're going to give her my webpage address so she can see my Mr. Belvedere montage. That would rule. So if you're her, then welcome! I'm a huge fan. And we just might live the good life yet!

A lot of bodily functions make sense to me. If dirt gets into your nose, you sneeze it out. If you get a scratch, a scab forms. If smoke gets in your eyes, you cry. If you chug a pitcher of beer in under a minute, you throw it up. It all makes sense.

What doesn't make sense to me is a runny nose. Why on earth does your nose drip mucus when you have a cold? Like what fucking purpose does that serve? It doesn't even crust over to prevent further contamination, just a steady stream of liquid snot running down your face. I'm gonna have to ask Darwin about that one.

So the good news is, my throat doesn't hurt at all so I probably don't have strep. But I do have a hell of a cold. And after an entire day of blowing my nose into work-bathroom-paper towels, my nose is red and raw. Shit hurts. On the way home, I decided to stop and get some proper Kleenex. And I found the best Kleenex ever -- Puff's. I got the kind with lotion in them. Not only do they not hurt, but they have reversed the pain I've spent the day accumulating. I'd go so far as to say blowing my nose on them feels good. I'm so happy that I decided to blog with the sole intention of product placement.

So everyone with this bug that's going around, go out and buy yourself some Puff's Plus. Because a nose in need deserves Puff's indeed.

I've had this stupid nagging cough for almost two weeks now. It is really starting to get old. I lay awake at night hacking up a lung and I can't sleep and it's affecting the quality of my life. Before I went to Kaylyn's birthday party, I went to a doctor to make sure I wouldn't get her sick. He said my cough actually wasn't caused by disease but was just a bronchial irritation. I relayed this information to the guys at work and we decided that the sleep rules are actually to blame.

You see, I sleep at 65 degrees every night now. It feels great. But the other thing that cold air does is give up moisture easily. So effectively what I'm really doing is breathing in cold ass, dry ass air all night long and it eventually started to adversely affect me. So I did the only logical thing. I bought a humidifier. It's a really nice humidifier that can control to a set point. So now I'll be livin' at 50% humidity no matter what the temperature is in my apartment. I think it's really important to be totally in control anyway.

But that doesn't arrive until tomorrow. In the meantime I filled a couple of prescriptions that the doctor gave me. One's a pill to like get rid of the inflamation in my chest and the other is ... drum roll please ... cough syrup with codeine! YAY! Sippin' on some sizzurp! This is good news because my last bottle just expired. That should save me some money on alcohol this weekend.

Andy, the old roommate from back in Feb-Apr has been staying with me this week. I took him to my gym a couple of times since he is a personal trainer, fully willing to pay the ridiculous 20 dollar guest fee, but it turns out I get two free guest passes each month. So if anybody ever wants to go with me let me know. I work out 7 days a week now. Did you know that? It's true.

Well, I've just made some delicious chicken breast tacos so I might have to go indulge. Peace out, sluts.

I'm sick as a dog. The idiots at the quack shack said it was some kind of throat infection and gave me the same generic medicine they always do. Oh well, maybe it will help. Might as well take it. I didn't sleep a wink last night. I ended up taking a bath at like 5am cause I was so achy and sweating. Today's not much better. Enough pissing and moaning though. Pity me!

I was laying on the couch before my 12:45 yesterday and I noticed a moth on the wall near me. I thought nothing of it. He's welcome to chill there. But then when I came home after my lab at like 8:00 he was still in the exact same spot. I don't mind moths but I hate lazy moths. So I decided to capture him.

I put a cup on the wall, tapped him into it and then placed a coaster over the opening. Then I had a flash of evil genius. I decided to set up a Bond-esque death trap. I opened the lid just enough to allow a drop of water through it and placed it under the faucet. It was dripping slow enough to allow him time to escape, but he was going to have to time it just right. He waited until the last possible moment, the water was encroaching his wings, and then made a break for it. I attempted to squash him but he got away, so I let him go. Owen, Marshall, and I were enthralled. Okay, I was, but they also watched. Then Marshall took me to the mall and bought me some chinese food and ice cream. Rad!

In other news, my brother found out that his unborn baby is a girl. I tried to help him out and give some good suggestions for names. They were thinking about Kaylynn Elizabeth. I figured since she is going to be my brother's daughter, that she's already gonna be the whitest little girl on the planet. It might be a good idea to spice her up a little with an ethnic moniker. My suggestions were:
1. Reshawnda
2. Wei Le (but we would call her Jenny)
3. Consuala
I like them all but I think Consuala might be my favorite. And as an added bonus, it might help her get scholarships later. You never knows. Tonight Thommi and I are going to see some Russian chick play piano with the Russian symphony orchestra. I'll let you you all know how that goes. Peace.