I’ve got plenty of solutions, just no problems to apply them to.

Imagine ONLY being friends with people who have caught a rabbit.

Name your price if you have a new, unused standard size Indulgence by Isotonic! What happened?!

If I put them out on Halloween, are they still Christmas lights? 🤔

I just feel certain you don’t need your dog at a bar.

What if mermaids only discriminate based on the color of their fish half?

Let’s try to bring back the traffic thank you wave.

I’m weirdly in the mood for French onion dip.

I bet back in the day a lump of coal was a much better present than we give it credit for.

Until very recently, I thought all British people referred to their female superiors as “Mom.”

I just feel certain you don’t need your dog at Home Depot.

YouTube, I watched a video of a horse’s hoof being cleaned ONE TIME. That is not an indication that that’s all I want to see from now on.

My pasta is 𝑎𝑙 𝑑𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑒 because I’m 𝑖𝑚 𝑝𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑒𝑛𝑡.

I don’t have time for all of your Instagram stories.

Waiters in Europe will do ANYTHING to avoid bringing you the check.

Is there even really a point to shooting a bow and arrow if the arrow isn’t on fire?

I’ve put up with a lot the past two years, but no avocados might be my breaking point.

I am anti-book jackets.

Any video that tells me to be sure to watch until the end, I immediately close.

I really hate that just anybody can mail me a letter.

We can split the world into two groups: those that read coax like coax and those that read it like coax

Major pet peeve: sandwiches too tall to bite

I wish I could make a solo ascent into Kitchen Stadium.

Hotels in Europe be like, “Your room’s not ready yet. Can you come back at 10pm?”

If anybody ever asks you what year it is, even in like a jokey way, that person is a time traveler.

So do we need to refer to human children as skin babies now?

I just feel certain you don’t need your dog at a tropical resort.

Do people in Europe join the kilometer high club?

I can’t wait until I’m old enough to not care about my ear hair.

I think we’ve all owned three squiggly mirrors at some point in our lives.

You know how some people are like, “I never thought it could happen to me!” I’m the opposite of that.

Everybody likes Ace of Bass. There are only varying degrees of how much you admit it.

I am considered a nano-influencer.

GPS should just rename “estimated time of arrival” to “time to beat”

I feel especially bad for people with braces after the zombie apocalypse. Like, what are they gonna do? Just have braces on for the rest of their lives?

I don’t know how you got from “Chipotle” to “Cha-pull-TEE” but okay.

I wonder what the best part of owning a dog is. I bet it’s locking it in the backyard 10 hours a day and letting it bark incessantly at nothing.

It won’t be long before we face the designation of having been “born in the 1900s.”

Product designers: under no circumstances do I want your product to beep. During rolling blackouts we’ve discovered 3 things that use batteries to beep incessantly when power is lost. The cold and the darkness have sufficiently notified me already.

With how often we use the word “unprecedented” these days, perhaps the time has come to stop taking precedent into our planning.

I’ve never owned a dog, but I like to think if I did, it wouldn’t do everything in its power to escape from me given the slightest opportunity.

So let me get this straight. Within is not the opposite of without?

Sometimes I still can’t believe that air travel is real.

Watching Die Hard. I’da named it “Carl Winslow Saves the Day”

According to NextDoor app users, we’ve experienced 365 consecutive days of gunshots in my neighborhood.

Do drug cartels have HR departments?

Once you get over how scratchy having a beard can be, the floor’s the limit!

Fun fact: There has never been a bad Robin Hood movie made

I can be pretty stingy with the Instagram likes some days.

Why does my TV have an “Off” light that turns off when the TV is on?

I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 6% Swedish and only 94% that bitch.

My thumbs aren’t symmetrical ☹️

I bet the first person to write a dictionary faced a lot of naysayers

I have always wanted to eat brunch at Bibbentuckers

Can you have a kaboodle without a kit?

Life is like a restaurant to-go order. You never know what you’re gonna get.

You guys. I’m spendthrift, not skinflint. Understand?

I’m pro-interrobang.

I’m weirdly in the mood for a corn dog.

I can tell who your favorite child is just by looking at your social media. Just thought some of you might need to hear that message.

You are mistaken. I actually do not care what’s in your smoothie.

Don’t put Flex Seal on your terracotta pot. Just get a new terracotta pot.

When a French person says, “Focus,” it sounds like something else.

When you crochet I feel mesmerized and proud.

I took naps today.

I know it’s not a huge deal, but I would have called it a toothpicker.

If I ever write a screen play, I will definitely be writing in a part tailor made for Christine Baranski.

You know when you’ve never heard a word before, then you look it up, and suddenly you hear it everywhere? There should be a word for that.

If you ring my doorbell, there’s a REALLY good chance I don’t want to talk to you.

I’m not kidding. I hate pomp without circumstance.

There’s nothing worse than joining someone’s Instagram live only to discover you’re the only one.

How many Ponzi schemes are about to get flushed out?

Aerial America is an example of how literally all other television should be.

How is every rose having its thorn “just like” every night having its dawn? Aren’t they more like opposites?

I think I’d rather have a reverse mortgage.

Happy Leap Day! Fun fact: there’s a Leap Day every year that is divisible by 4 UNLESS the year is also divisible by 100 EXCEPT when the year is also divisible by 400.

I just feel certain you don’t need your dog at the auto service center.

I won’t survive one day post-apocalypse.

I just feel certain you don’t need your dog at the hardware store.

I just realized that “do not disturb” was still engaged on my phone from 3 days ago. Whoops.

I’d rather listen to commercials 10 minutes out of every hour than pledge drives 10 months out of every year.

How about capital letters? We take them for granted, but man, what an idea!

Would you rather be really really good looking or really really photogenic?

If you change lanes constantly in traffic, chances are you weren’t raised right.

Eachother should be one word.

Earlids. How bout it, evolution?!

How do you spell the first syllable of the word when abbreviating “usual?” Us? Usj? Yoozgh?

The ‘former’ and the ‘latter’ both sound to me like the second option.

Serious question: Do you unfriend dead people on Facebook?

There’s nothing quite like a Notepad file set to Courier New.

I don’t actually know who Chrissy Teigen is. In the time it took me to tweet this, I could have googled it, but I opted for the tweet.

Giant, interactive, holographic map tables seem to be the norm in futuristic predictions. Is somebody working on this?

I really like it when people misspell “definitely” as “defiantly.” It usually adds something to the sentence.

I’m pretty spendthrift until it comes to toothpaste.

How old do you have to be before you start calling back unknown numbers and asking, “Did someone just call me?”

Swiping is a form of keyboard gesturing that allows you to type the wrong word much faster.

Do we call bread “buns” because they resemble a butt, or do we call butts “buns” because they resemble bread?

How many kids do you have to have before just doing shit becomes “running errands?”

Seriously considering quitting my gym and just doing yard work 3 days a week. #sore

Spin Class Instructors: You can have a microphone OR you can shout full volume. Pick one, please.

My secret recipe for chicken thighs: put them in the oven at whatever temperature for however long. Toss in buffalo sauce. Serve.

Keeping my home’s IOT integrations functioning is, frankly, a full time job.

Some people get mad when it rains because it ruins their car wash. For me, that is my car wash.

I can spot time travelers.

I don’t appreciate any video that tells me I’ve been doing anything wrong my entire life.

Waking up this morning was a real snooze-fest.

Felt manly tonight. Grillin’ a steak, drinkin’ a beer. It was a tuna steak and a ginger beer, but still.

If somebody tells you their product will give you “more energy,” RUN!

I consider puns to be about the lowest form of comedy. There’s no clever hidden pun there. That’s just how I feel.

I have an idea for a unicycle ride-share app. It’s called Uni.

I saw the top of a cloud today.

There should be a federal standard on shower controls.

“Millennial” should describe someone born in the 2000’s, not 30 year olds still living with their parents.

I’m weirdly in the mood for a rice krispies treat.

My next door neighbor took his christmas lights down today. I always get a little sad when the holidays are over.

I’ve always felt more dancer than human.

I’ve never met anyone with a Discover card.

I really want a drink, but I’m too lazy to make it and I think that’s growing up.

I miss away messages.

Theoretical max Jeopardy payday is $566400. There is still room for improvement.

Seriously, is there ANYTHING worse than banana strings? #🍌

If I was in some sort of sociological experiment where they fed me poke bowls until I asked them to stop, I would die of a ruptured stomach.

Just ONCE, I’d like to see a post-apocalyptic story line where people rally together, cooperate, and build a new society.

At what point do we just stop calling it shoe polish and start calling it windshield marker?

I, like many in my generation, know Bohemian Rhapsody only through the lens of Wayne’s World, and cannot resist head banging at the exact right moment.

Restaurant idea: Chick-sun-DAY. We serve all the same food as Chick-fil-A, but we’re only open on Sundays. #fillaniche

Do you think two British people have ever gotten stuck in an infinite loop? “Nice day today, isn’t it?” “It is, isn’t it?” “It is, isn’t it?”

Claim to fame: Total monopoly over #joanneliebeler on Instagram (and now Twitter).

(1) Cauliflower rice is just cauliflower. (2) It makes a horrible mess.

My favorite color is neon gray.

There should be a genre of music to listen to while you take down Christmas decorations.

Note to self: Next year, do not use KitchenAid oven’s self destruct mode (aka self clean) the night before hosting Christmas Eve dinner.

2020 will be an amazing year for novelty NYE eyeglasses. And jokes about 20/20 vision.

A dog is man’s best friend, not man’s illegitimate child.

People act like smartphones changed everything but am I the only one that remembers dialing time and temperature so you didn’t have to go outside?

Pro-tip: don’t use your wedding photo as your LinkedIn profile pic. I know you don’t wear a tuxedo to work everyday.

I am a DST abolitionist.

I have a real hard time PAYING for Italian food.

I genuinely miss the Meaty Cheesey Boys.

I am anti-opening acts.

I’m ready for it to be winter so I can wish it was summer for a while.

Does anybody know who wrote this Cesar dog food commercial? I’m completely confused. Why is there an airline pilot… in a high-rise office building… feeding his dog wet food?

If you’re marrying for money then you’re not a fiancée; you’re a financée.

Flight’s delayed another hour but I’ve already finished the internet…

Help somebody who doesn’t deserve it.

Your phone menu did NOT change recently!

How did the term “typo” become popularized? We don’t append O’s to the end of other words to indicate an erroneous application. We don’t call a car accident a “drivo.”

A Reader’s Digest on the back of the toilet was the smartphone of its day.

I don’t want to write a book, but I REALLY want to have written a book.

How did tagging our shirts become the norm? I don’t need laundry instructions permanently adhered to every article of clothing.

Still trying to decide which holiday to celebrate today. Cinco de Mayo…? Or Kentucky Derby?

Still trying to decide which holiday to celebrate today. May the 4th…? Or Cinco de Cuatro? #MayThe4thBeWithYou#CincoDeCuatro

There’s an unwritten rule that every time Starship Troopers is on TV, you have to watch it.

Got another beard splinter today 😠

All I want in life is to fall asleep on the couch and wake up in bed.

Movie idea: Buckingham Palace Down. Terrorists take over the palace and the Queen saves the day by running around with grenade launchers.

The fact that ‘holistically’ is spelled without a ‘w’ at the beginning has always plagued me.

Some guy named Scam Likely keeps calling me.

I finally removed the phone app icon from my home screen. Needed that real estate for apps I actually use.

I’ll literally do anything for anybody in Excel. I CAN’T say no.

You guys, the whole point of pancake art is that it gets darker the longer it’s on the skillet. Stop using colored batter! #pancakeartpurist

If we have skim milk and whole milk, why don’t we have half milk? Why do we suddenly get all precise and call it 2%?

Why do otherwise reputable news outlets have the spammiest, takeover, popup, ad-ridden mobile content?

My gmail filters are SO dialed in.

I want EVERYTHING I eat to be deconstructed.

Want the best full body cardio workout of your life? Grab a shovel and go dig yourself a hole. #yourewelcome

I wish squirrels knew I meant them no harm.

It’s not the heat; it’s the dew point.

I used to have nightmares that I couldn’t run bc my legs wouldn’t work. Nowadays I have nightmares that I can’t text bc my phone won’t work.

My beerlogical clock is ticking #febrehab

I have to work with someone for a few years before I asked them anything personal like, ‘Where do you live?’ or, ‘Are you married?’

We should change the name of 2-ply to 1-ply and 1-ply to half-ply.

I like this show, but I still can’t figure out who Tim Eless is. 🤔 #timeless

Aren’t all chaps assless? Isn’t that what makes them chaps?

My #GoogleHome just arrived. It’s been 3 minutes and already I can tell the future is now.

I wish I was better at regular expressions… just not badly enough to learn.

Lowe’s should sell beer.

If you want to sound Australian, just replace “ok” with “ik.” #yourewelcome

Why do I always say, “I think you have the wrong number,” when I am certifiably 100% certain you do?

As a kid I was always confused by my dad watching football and yelling at the TV. Now I watch #ProjectRunway and I’m all “NOT THE CHIFFON!!”

I wonder if Doogie Howser ever goes back and reads his journal entries and wonders what the hell happened that day to make him write that.

Do you think Chewbacca was just like constantly asking to turn the A/C down?

Someday we will look back on social media as a great failed experiment and realize we weren’t meant to know what everyone else was thinking.

“You split, I choose” is maybe the fairest system ever devised by humankind.

Bucket List Item: Walk away from an explosion without turning around or even flinching. Bonus points if caught on film.

If How It’s Made has taught me anything, it’s that an awful lot of people do jobs that really ought to be done by robots.

Treating people fairly does not mean treating them all the same.

That feeling you get when the first lotto number matches so you stop looking to just revel in the possibility for a few minutes

I think the last time my Outlook inbox was not over its size limit was 2005.

I love the whole “go stand in front of that wall, I’ll take your picture” headshot trend on LinkedIn.

There is NOTHING worse than identical twins wearing matching outfits speaking in unison.

Does anyone not store their contacts in the cloud these days? Is, “New phone, who’s this?” really still a thing anymore?

What part of “No, don’t ask again” don’t you understand, Internet Explorer?

I’ve never once changed the channel to How It’s Made and had it be on a commercial. Never once.

I feel like buying a paper shredder was the final nail in the coffin that is adulthood.

When I was a kid all I ever wanted to grow up to be was the next door neighbors in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I think I’m close.

I have 470 friends on Facebook and I think I’ve unfollowed 463.

You can call it a “tiny house” all you want, but your house has wheels. You live in a trailer.

I feel like I should know how to solve a Rubik’s Cube. Like I’m that sort of guy. But I don’t.

If there’s one feature I look for in a vacuum it is hands down maneuverability. I’mma be takin these turns fast and tight.

Charles Ponzi screwed every future generation out of the wealth management industry. Can you imagine investing with Ponzi & Associates?

If sitting is the new smoking, then I guess I’m pack-a-day.

As much as I watch Wheel of Fortune, I never buy Eggland’s Best.

Once as a kid I made Kool-Aid with Kool-Aid instead of water. As an adult, I’m contemplating making coffee with coffee instead of water.

Please consider the environment before printing this email. Also, please consider not being a total nut job who regularly prints out emails.

You guys, get a separate social media account for your pyramid schemes. #unfollowed

I put my pants on like everyone else: jumping into both legs simultaneously

Why does Jack in the Box even make regular fries? What sad individual would choose regular fries when curly fries are an option?

You really can’t be a super hero anymore these days unless you’ve mastered parkour.

Please don’t send me 22MB emails. Just don’t.

Due to his complete lack of skill and horrible attitude, David’s initial PSR is set at a record 0.4 #NakedAndAfraid #goals

Calling from a private number is no way to get your call answered. #notfallingforit

My number one fear in life is going on Wheel of Fortune and getting shut out. Seriously. Number one.

Whoever named the twenty-third letter of the alphabet “Double U” was seriously phoning it in.

The best way to obtain your dream job is to just decide you already have it, then act accordingly.

It’s weird to me that some people don’t know how to play guitar.

Will you pick up some updog on your way here?

What about it makes your jam so much better when it comes on the radio unexpectedly? #yousayionlyhearwhatiwantto

I don’t take any medication, but I’m gonna steer clear of grapefruit juice all the same.

Father’s Day is an unparalleled opportunity to slip those wedding photos of yourself into social media streams one more time.

LinkedIn work anniversary is the new Facebook birthday.

One meeting will save you a hundred emails. But one decision will save you a hundred meetings.

With enough people in perfect synchronization, any dance will look cool.

If you treat your evening commute home as a zero sum Formula 1 race, you are the problem.

“2nd” is absolutely not an abbreviation for “second” when we’re discussing units of measurement of time.

The bigger the office, the more people, the more passive-aggressive signs

If you take up the entire airplane armrest with your love handle, I will rest my elbow on said love handle. #fairisfair

I want to get inside the head of people who mark emails as “important” and hear their inner monologue. Like, “THIS will get his attention!”

I only spell edible as eatable, because technically it’s right and it makes WAY more sense.

I don’t like it when celebrities endorsing a company in commercials say “we.” You don’t work there. I know you don’t.

I never feel more myself then when I’ve got a placard name tag hanging around my neck.

Walking down the airplane aisle I study the row numbers as if they aren’t in numerical order.

Why do commercials always brag about guacamole being made from “real avocados?” What the hell other option is there?

Why do I have so many Russian Instagram followers? I should move to Russia; I’d kill it there.

Any time someone I know names their child David, I take it as a compliment. It means I didn’t ruin that name for them for all time.

I worry a lot about my hydration levels. Like, a lot.

I’m going to write the great American novel … in PowerPoint.

It’s not that when I’m stressed I can’t find time to work out; it’s that when I can’t find time to work out, I’m stressed.

Open your inbox. Hit Ctrl+A, Delete. Declare email bankruptcy!

I treat Google Music much the same way I would the Extreme Makeover Home Edition crew. I’m VERY careful about what I say I like.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard, “Hi. Who joined?” ….

What % of songs ever written have rhymed “walk” with “talk?”

I consider requesting read receipts on emails to be an insult. #justsoyouknow

Why are flesh-colored undershirts not the norm?

Forgetting you’re on mute on a conference call isn’t funny anymore. You should be shameful and try to hide that fact.

Tron is one of the greatest movies ever. End of line.

Makers/buyers of hold music: screeching trumpet solos are not your target music style.

The #1 most used program on my PC is Notepad

Radio Shack is no more? Where will I buy batteries once every other year when I happen to already be at the Target next door?

Why do robots always say “affirmative?” Like, how did that even get started?

I just installed a one-touch widget on my phone’s home screen to dial the conference call line for work. The devolution is complete.

Society never breaks down more than the first half mile after getting past a wreck on the highway.

I hope if I’m ever featured on How It’s Made that I’ll be referred to as the “engineer” or “technician” and not the “employee” or “worker”

“I think I’ll tie this brightly colored silky scarf in a knot around my neck then just let it kinda dangle.” – Guy who invented ties

Two things I would NEVER do: (1) have a ringtone (2) leave my cell phone on my desk when I go to lunch. I am in the minority at my office.

Frozen pizza manufacturers: I am not putting a frozen pizza directly onto my oven rack. I am not an insane person.

People who believe in conspiracies and cover ups have probably never worked in a large organization before.

People often mistake time management, clear prioritization, and efficient output for you having more time than them.

If I ever sell my house, I’m going to list it infomercial style – Just 360 easy payments!

I am an avid reader of fine print.

Try to name one movie Paul Giamatti is not in. Go!

How is it even possible that it takes me more than two tries every single time I plug in a USB cable? How?

I don’t practice defensive driving. I’ve invented a new system called collaborative driving.

#EatenAlive for those who missed it: filler, filler, filler, not eaten alive, Fin.

I bet the biggest disadvantage to being a Jumper would be the jet lag.

Every day a man puts trash into a box marked with my address. When I get home I transfer it all to the adjacent garbage can. Very strange.

PSA: Take a toothpick and clean out your cell phone’s headphone jack. Trust me. You’re welcome.

To say the glass is half empty is to not understand you’re not supposed to fill a glass all the way to the rim.

What percent of people in the whole of human history have ever stood under a steady stream of hot water, much less every single morning?

Today’s buzz word: searchendizing

Has anybody ever literally aired their dirty laundry? Doesn’t seem like it would be very effective to me.

Sometimes I like to say, “I know what you’re up to,” to complete strangers. In case they’re doing something wrong, they’ll think twice.

I’m convinced some people have less gravity on them than I do.

I’m constantly 10 pounds and $10,000 away

The only reason I would ever consider having a child is to stage the omnipresent fake “dad fell asleep too while holding you” photo.