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Aight, so check it. Remember that movie Lorenzo's Oil? It was that movie where Susan Sarandon had a son that went retarded. He had an absurdly rare disease that no doctors could cure, so she took it upon herself to find a solution. After falling asleep on a stack of books, she decided to pump her son full of vegetable oil and then everything was fine. (That's a brief summary. If you ever take 9th grade science, you should watch it for yourself.)
That's how I feel right now. There is something so wrong with me, so rare, so inexplicable that it's going to be up to me to figure out how to fix it. I am in the midst of a round of meeting with very expensive doctors not covered by my insurance plan. I have a few more to see before I make my decisions. I could just trust one and go with it, but everyone seems to have a different idea -- and also tells me the others are wrong. Right now, I'm basically double checking my hypothesis with a few different specialists. I know no one and nothing can promise to help me, I just want to make sure I don't do any permanent damage to myself.
My basic idea is this. If no one idea is right, maybe they all are. So this is what I'm going to do (barring any doomsday predictions from a specialist). First, I need to clear a path for some air to get into my lungs while I'm sleeping. That's going to involve some demo. Good bye, tonsils! So long self-elongating uvula! That's only half the journy of the air though. Hello, rhinoplasty! I'm going to have my deviated septum corrected to increase airflow through my nose. Of course, all of this new real estate won't do much fucking good if my throat is collapsed in the gap. So I will have 3 foam pillars inserted into my soft palate to keep it from falling. And to make sure that my jaw doesn't fall backwards into my reinforced palate, I will get a TAP (Thornton Anterior Positioner). This is a specially designed "retainer" that you wear at night that pulls your mandible forward to keep the airway open. If all of that doesn't work, I will reintroduce the CPAP to supply sufficient air.
Why the fuck not? You don't need your tonsils or uvula, and my tonsils are huge. An ENT (ear nose and throat) doctor will confirm this for me. There are no adverse effects to having a firmer soft palate. A retainer never hurt anyone. I think the combo punch is going to be the only way to fix myself. If all of that doesn't work, then breathing isn't my fucking problem and my "peculiar REM brain waves" the doctor witnessed will have to be addressed by a neurosurgeon. Let's pray to Chuck Norris that isn't the case.
This is going to be horrendously expensive, since all the work will be done by specialists. My insurance won't cover the majority of it because it's all elective. And don't get me started on how painful it is to have your tonsils out as an adult or have your deviated septum undeviated. But I'm ready and willing. I'm sick of this shit and I'm puttin it to rest.
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