|
Normally the content on the sidebar of my webpage is disposable, but I think my review of Brokeback Mountain is probably one of the most popular things I've ever written -- certainly the most popular non-Hints from Heloise. So I wanted to kind of preserve it for all time here since it's time to update the Moooview Review.
Brokeback Mountain
Starring: Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein of Gelderland and Donnie Darko
Rating: 0 out of 5 high altitude fucks
If you haven't seen Brokeback Mountain yet, perhaps you should not read my review because I'm going to divulge what happens in the beginning, middle, and end. Ready? NOTHING! Nothing happens. It is short meaningless scenes of uncomfortably slow nothingness punctuated by the exact same sad, acoustic guitar rift. Bling blang blang blang.
Critics are describing this movie as a moving and timeless love story for the ages. Am I the only one who noticed that the two characters never once said, "I love you?" Why not? Because there was no love, no romance, no dialogue, no plot. This wasn't a love story, this was a story about two cowboys who drank too much whiskey and ended up kissing and having frantic, disturbing, bareback, spit-shove sex. In short, if you went to A&M, you've seen this movie a hundred times.
In closing, I would like to offer you a suitable alternative to paying to see this piece of half-assed cinema riding the wave of "we gots us some gay characters hiiiiiii-ya!" Here's what you do. Read this next run-on sentence over and over and over again for the next three hours and you will have experienced Brokeback Mountain:
"I want to be with you, no wait I don't, I mean I do or no I don't, I don't know I'm so butch but I want to touch you I can't I will I won't."
| 