As many of you know, mostly due to my constant reminders, yesterday I bid a sweet farewell to my tonsils. I have hated these things for years and years and years. They were too big and always getting in the way. And the slightest bit of disease in my bloodstream and they would swell up and start making out with each other. Nasty.
So I had a tonsillectomy. The week prior to the tonsillectomy, I googled things like, "What to expect after a tonsillectomy," "I am going to have a tonsillectomy," "Benefits of a laser tonsillectomy." I say these things in case anyone else is in my predicament and turns to the all knowing, all powerful Google for answers. I found several online forums dedicated entirely to people who have had tonsillectomies. Crazy, I know. They were all miserable. People were posting things like, "It's been 16 days and still no relief. I want to die." Talking all about how they can't take the pain but 3 weeks on a steady supply of painkillers was driving them insane. How malnurished they were from not being able to eat or swallow. Scary, scary stuff.
But I didn't have a traditional tonsillectomy. I had this brand new procedure done. My tonsils weren't actually removed, they were vaporized. And they didn't remove the entire thing, only about 90% of the tissue. You see, the tonsils sit in your throat and attach themselves in and among some muscle wall lining of your neck. In order to excise them, you must cut into that muscle -- hence unbearable pain. But you can get all the benefits of a full tonsillectomy by removing 90% of the tissue -- most certainly in my case since it was just an obstruction. The 10% of tissue they leave behind is the stuff that is attached to the muscle wall. No cutting, no pain.
I did have to endure once again getting numbed up. I had to take about 16 shots directly into the tonsils. Not pleasant. And you know how when you have a tooth pulled, you're like totally numb, but you can still feel them ripping your tooth out, your head jerks back and forth, you hear the root cracking free from the jawbone. Okay, it's like that. It didn't hurt to have my tonsils lasered into vapor, but I could feel it. And it was weird and unpleasant. Not to mention the fact that every few minutes we had to stop so I could blow the smoke out of my mouth. Acrid, nasty, foul smoke. Although once I did successfully blow a smoke ring and the doctor was impressed. And of course, the farther into the tonsil that we ventured, the less numbing medication had made it down there, so occasionally we had to stop and swab the gaping open wounds in my mouth with more numbing agent.
It sounds horrific, and it was, but nothing compared to the alternative. So this is my advice to you all. If you're thinking of getting a tonsillectomy -- STOP! Do not do a fucking thing until you've spoken to me and we're making sure you're getting a true laser tonsillectomy, not just using a laser to cauterize the wounds to reduce bleeding. Why would you bother listening to me? Let's just say that yesterday for lunch, I had Chic-Fil-A. For dinner, I had a large slice of Pastazio's sausage pizza. And on the way home from the movies, we stopped off at Wendy's. This morning I woke up... no pain. I am beyond ecstatic, especially since I took a week off work to recover and it appears I'm already done.
Everything that can be done, has been done. If this doesn't do the trick, then I'm just gonna have to fight, fuck, or hit the fence. I don't really know what the means but Justin emailed me about Con-Air the other day and random quotes got stuck in my head as a result. I'm off now, it's time for a pill cocktail and a lazy day. Peace out.
