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I had a really fun weekend. First, our dear friend AsH was in town from Boston. She came in town to take her grandmother to the symphony and to catch up with some old friends. We got a crew together Friday night and took her out on the town. After a few drinks at the Hotel Belmont, we ended up at S4 dancing the night away. After we got home, a few of us killed the remains of an ancient bottle of cheap tequila. Bad idea. My forehead hurt the next day from hitting it on the toilet repeatedly the night before. Needless to say we were all hung the fuck over.
Disaster! My friend Brandon finally had a weekend off to come see me. When he got here, he was upset by how much we were all hurting. I figured if I could get in a quick nap while he went to the mall alone that I'd be geared up for another all-nighter. But I was wrong. In the end, it just wasn't possible for me to do anything but remain low key. The next day, I tried to redeem myself by taking him out to Ruby Tuesday for crab cakes with "nearly no cake" and a triple prime burger that "eats like steak, but cuts like butter." Oh my g*d, if you've never been you need to go. I am the worst vegan ever, but I'm not sorry. It was so delicious.
When we got home, I wanted to show Brandon around Addison! Circle because he'd never been here. When we got to the Water Tower Theatre, there were shit tons of people and booths all over. It was this Earth Day/Wellness Expo. We walked around looking at healing crystals, learning about acupuncture, and trying different vitamin fortified juices. There were also several drawings going on. One of them was from the Laser Center of America, a laser hair removal/skin rejuvination company. We entered a drawing for $1500, $500, and $300 dollar prizes. AND I WON! Holy crap. I got the third place prize worth $300.
Now, I'm no fool. I'm well aware -- despite the fact that they refuse to even ballpark how much it could possibly cost without a face-to-face consultation -- that you can't remove a single hair from your body for less than a cool grand. I had this inkling that my "prize" was really an invitation to spend hundreds of dollars on something I didn't want. But, in true Sidesho fashion, I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt and go check it out. At the very least, I figured, I'd end up with a blog worthy story. I looked up their website online to find directions to the office and my suspicions grew even more as I read, "Click here to receive $300 off your next procedure!" Fuck, if all I had to do was click, then I really didn't win a g*d damn thing. So off I went.
When I got there I filled out a bunch of paperwork and then I walked back to the consultation room. She asked if I had any unwanted body hair and I said, "Not really, no." And she asked if I had any issues with my skin and I said, "Not really, no." This chick procedes to talk at lightning speed about all the different procedures they have and how microdermabrasions are an absolute must for everyone. I threw her a bone by asking how much it would cost to laser my armpit hair away since I have and always will shave my armpits. She honored my $300 winnings, DOUBLED it even, and I was left with a $1200 dollar price tag and a 2 and a half to 3 year commitment. For only my armpit hair. I couldn't help but laugh at her. I was like, "No way." Her best pitch of the day, by far, was when she said, "Now David, if you plan on shaving your underarms for the rest of your life, this procedure will more than pay for itself in the cost of razors alone." Ha fucking ha, what kind of razors do you think I'm using, lady?
I asked her if they had any procedures for under $300 since, let's be honest, I was only there to redeem my prize. The microdermabrasion is only $139 a treatment. So I said, "Great, I'll take two." "Oooh, sorry, our smallest package is five." I knew I was wasting her time, but I didn't feel bad since I'm pretty sure she knew she was wasting mine. So I promised her that if I ever got serious about lasering my pits that she would be the first to know. I thanked her for all of the rapid information, laughed at her again, and excused myself from the office.
So here you find me, in all my naturally hairy glory having missed the opportunity to save myself the financial burden of a lifetime of buying an electric razor once every 15 years. Even though she said the offer was only good during the consultation, when I refused she changed her tune and said she would honor it until the end of the month. Which means, I could definitely change my mind and go back.
But let's be honest. There's no fucking way that's going to happen. Suck my hairy balls, Laser Center of America!
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